Feeling Lonely Abroad? Here Are 5 Ways To Overcome It!

by Camilla Quintana | May 10, 2020 | Blog

Connection and belonging are core human needs. But when we move to a different country and have to start from scratch, these needs are not immediately covered.⁣
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Everyone can and will experience loneliness from time to time, but for expat women this is a particularly common struggle. Especially in the beginning, you’re left with the sometimes overwhelming taks to manage life in a new country, without a hand to hold, friends to confide in and with little emotional support.⁣

Read on to understand what contributes to you feeling lonely abroad and how you can alleviate that unpleasant feeling!

⁣Why Are You Feeling Lonely Abroad?

You might answer: “Simple – I don’t have any friends yet!” But let’s look a little closer:

There are 3 elements that make up loneliness:⁣

Distincitveness: feeling different and separated from others creates a barrier between ‘you’ and ‘them’. It’s almost impossible to fully blend in as a foreigner, be it because of your looks, your accent or cultural conditioning. ⁣
Inadecuacy: many expats may feel a bit inadequate in their host country. Sometimes you can feel ‘less than’ the people in their host country (usually if you consider this country ‘more advanced’ than your own, or if there’s a cultural stereotype about your own country of heritage that affects you negatively); other times, a feeling of being ‘more privileged’ can make you feel uncomfortable and like you’re intruding. Both result in a sense of shame.⁣
Fear of Rejection: because of our innate need for connection and acceptance, most humans grapple with a fear of rejection. Especially for expat women living abroad, you may feel helpless, needy and dependant on others. Navigating different cultures, rules and norms adds to that fear. Women who move abroad long-term often fear losing their identity or struggle with “What could have been?”. Whatever your fear is, it can stand in the way of making authentic connections and thus promotes you feeling lonely abroad.

Reflection Prompts:

Can you identify what role of these 3 elements play in your life abroad?

What exactly is perpetuating a sense of loneliness in you?

Think back of a time you felt particularly connected and like you belonged: Where were you? What did you do? What were you like? How exactly did you feel? Who else was there? What else can you notice about that moment? How could you invite all of these elements into your life today?

5 Antidotes to Feeling Lonely Abroad

1. Self Awareness:

The above reflection prompts can help you better understand what loneliness looks like for you in particular. What feeds it and what keeps you stuck in this feeling. ⁣This will provide valuable insights in what things you could change, what you could try and avoid, and what exactly is missing that you could add to you life.

2. Connecting With Others:

Humans are wired for connection. When you move to a foreign country, you’ll have to make a bit of an extra effort: be friendly and take genuine interest in people; give others the benefit of the doubt; say yes to plans; reach out to people; be a conversation starter; invite someone for a cup of coffee or a playdate; make someone a heartfelt compliment. Try and actively connect with someone each day.

Another great way to connect, especially for introverts who find it hard to take the first step, is by offering your help to someone. This could be at your kid’s school, by volunteering, collaborating at your member’s club, teaching your language or a skill of yours to someone… There’s always someone that you can help out and this will make you both feel connected.

Also, make sure to be nice to your neighbors and the people you see frequently, including waiters and store clerks. This may not necessarily lead to friendships but will make you feel connected. And what you feel within is not only what you show on the outside but also what you’ll likely attract more of!

You can find my favorite and most proven tips to Make Friends Abroad in the same-titled blog post.

3. Connecting With Yourself:

In the words of Rupi Kaur: “Loneliness is a sign that you’re in desperate need for yourself”. Being your own best friend and your biggest ally becomes even more important when you move abroad and have to start from scratch in a new country.

It often feel like it’s me, myself and I – especially in the beginning of expat life – so how can you fill your own emotional bucket? How can you be kind, loving and nurturing to yourself? How can you treat yourself like you would treat a person you truly love and care for?

Your connection with yourself is a prerequisite for combatting loneliness and for living a fulfilled life. Why? Because sometimes we look outside for things, people, distractions to give you the love, approval and joy that we’re lacking inside. Therefore, there’s an aspect about loneliness that can be tackled from within.

If you invest in building a loving relationship with yourself, you won’t only make moments alone more bearable; self-love has a ripple effect outward, and other people will feel more drawn to be in your presence. You’ll also become a better friend when you treat others as well as you treat yourself.

Helping you to become your own biggest ally is one of my specialties. I invite you to listen to my podcast episodes:

Want more personalized help?

Then schedule a complimentary consultation with me here:

4. Authenticity:

In order to develop a close relationships with yourself and others (and closeness is key in combatting loneliness!) you’ll need to truly get to know and dare to be yourself. If you don’t allow others to see your ‘true colors’, they can never love you for who you are and no matter what they do, you’ll never feel like you (your authentic self, that is) are truly seen and accepted. That’s why you can feel lonely even when surrounded by people you know.⁣
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5. Community:

This is similar to connection, but takes it a step further. I’ve found that – especially for sociable extroverts and people from a collectivist cultures, that is driven by relationships – being part of a community is what makes a place feel like ‘home’. Community creates belonging and belonging eradicates loneliness.⁣

Can you join a community? There are expat clubs and associations, as well as interest groups in most cities.
If not, can you create one? (A client of mine started a book club in a remote area)
Could you volunteer? For a good cause, at your kid’s school, or at your expat club?
If you feel like you need extra support and guidance in establishing and maintaining meaningful relationships, consider seeking expat coaching services.

What has helped you to overcome feeling lonely abroad? Which of the above tips and tools have been most valuable to you?

How to Make Friends Abroad

by Camilla Quintana | May 10, 2020 | Blog

How to Connect and Make Friends Abroad

Friendships and Community play a crucial role in combating loneliness and feeling well in your host country. Even more so if you’re naturally sociable and extrovert, or come´from collectivist cultures, that are driven by relationships.

“How do I make friends abroad?” is a question on every expat woman’s mind – even more so if you live in a place with few other foreigners.

I’ve had to start over in a new country / city / environment many times, so in this article I want to share my best tips for building your network abroad.

But first I want to quickly refer to

Cultural Differences When Looking For Friends Abroad

While it is true that some cultures will seem more open, welcoming and friendly to you than others, this doesn’t necessarily say anything about the quality of friendships you’ll make there. Our culture shapes the way we approach others, but we should refrain from labelling it as ‘better’ or ‘worse’.

In some cultures, there’s an ‘entrance barrier’ to new people. They may not be used to engaging or having small talk with strangers and that can make them seem shut off, even hostile to you. However, I’ve found that it’s often in these countries where very profound and long-lasting friendships are made. Friendships have an exclusive character, they need to get to know you first before considering you their friend. So don’t give up too quickly and don’t jump to conclusions about the locals.

In other countries you’ll immediately feel welcome and connected. Friendly banter with store clerks and random people on the street, smiling faces, even spontaneous party invites. This feels really good to the soul, for sure! But bear in mind that it doesn’t necessarily lead to closeness and intimacy either – both key elements in combatting loneliness.

The bottomline is: don’t jump to any conclusions. You can make good friends in every country and every culture. The way to meet and connect with others may differ, so stay curious and without judgement towards the local way of life.

Befriending Expats vs. Locals

This will of course greatly depend on where you’re based. If there is an expat community, you’ll probably find it easier to access and become a part of. On the other hand, people may come and go and you might have to say goodbye to some of the people dear to you. Sometimes, staying exclusively in an international circle can keep you from truly getting to know and understand your host country and culture.

Befriending locals – while definitely harder – also has clear benefits. It will help you to see a country and culture through their eyes, understand it better, and possibly like and appreciate it more. It can be enriching to adopt certain customs, to master the local language and get to know a different way of life from the inside.

I personally aim for a mix (which has been possible in the countries and cities I’ve lived in): in the beginning, I might feel that I have more in common with other expats and find it easier to connect with them. But my local friends have enriched my life and experience abroad tremendously. They have remained closer friends than my international ones, even after I moved away.

And now, here go:

My 7 favorite tips to make friends abroad

1. Be introduced

This is my personal favorite way to find friends abroad, and it’s worked for me very well: getting a friend or acquaintance to introduce you to people in your new country can grant you access to a community of potentially like-minded people that will not see you as a complete stranger but as “Zoe’s friend” (for instance). Thanks to that referral, there will be a greater sense of commitment, care and responsibility towards you. They’re also more likely to give you a chance, after all, you have mutual friends or acquaintances.

So how does it work:

First, brainstorm who you know that currently lives in your host country? Do you know someone who’s originally from that country? Or someone who used to live there? If not, ask your friends if they know anybody (from) there.

Then, establish contact. If it’s indeed a shared friend this will be easy and they’ll gladly share their knowledge, tips and connections in their country. But even if you don’t know the person well, don’t worry: reach out and let them know you’re moving to their country. Show interest and curiosity and ask them for tips. Everyone loves to give tips about things they know, and they’ll certainly want to you have a really good experience in their country!

I wouldn’t be surprised if they offered to meet you once you get there or put you in contact with others. Also, make sure to stay in touch with that person – let them know when you arrive, or when you tried that restaurant they recommended and thank them. It’s good to stay top of their mind so that when there’s a happening or event that would suit you, they’ll think of you and invite you to it. Most of my best friendships abroad have been made possible thanks to a common link.

2. Bond over interests and commonalities

Shared interests are definitely a driving force when it comes to bonding and making friends abroad.

For moms, their children can be a great vehicle to make friends: at kindergarten / school or at the playground. This will not just benefit you but also your kids.

Also, actively pursue your interests and hobbies. You’re likely going to meet people you have things in common with there (e.g. if you play Golf -> at the Golf court).

3. Join a club or association

Being part of a community is key if you want to feel at home abroad. There are expat clubs and associations in most cities. These are great platforms to meet a bunch of people and to belong. Be an active member, collaborate, volunteer and help out, make an effort to connect with other members.

You can also join a sports club, book club or religious group – ideally somewhere where you’ll actually interact with people and don’t remain anonymous (like you may in a gym).

And if you can’t find a community in your area, think about creating your own club! There are always people looking to connect with likeminded others: find a common theme, such as expats, a nationality, a speaker of your native language, a hobby, interest or circumstance.

If you don’t know anyone locally, you can use platforms like www.meetup.com or social media to invite people.

4. Be friendly to your neighbors, waiters etc

It’s always a good idea to be friendly to the people around you: say hi and chat with your neighbors; greet the waiters and clerks at your favorite coffee house / restaurant / store; smile at people you see around often…

This may not necessarily lead to friendships but it will make you feel connected to the people around you. And when we feel connected we are more open to connect with others. We always attract what we put out there. I’ve been approached by a woman, who became a friend of mine afterwards, in a coffee shop I frequented. An open and friendly attitude certainly helps.

5. Take a Class

This is not only a great way to meet people (with a shared interest), it also gives you something meaningful and gratifying to fill your free time with.

There’s always something new you can learn or a skill you could master – what could that be for you?

6. Volunteering / Offering Help

This is a great tip for introverts who have a hard time reaching out to people. Try offering your help to someone: at your workplace, your kid’s school, a club you’ve joined, to a charitable organisation, or maybe you can teach someone your native language of a skill of yours. There’s always someone that you can help and it’ll make them feel good, it’ll make you feel good and it’ll make you both feel connected!

7. Online Connections

I would have definitely added this point to the list before the pandemic. I’ve bonded with some great people online and certainly call some of them my friends.

However, I don’t think online connections can fully substitute for physical ones. So while it’s great to connect and engage online, I’d like to encourage you to make in-person meetings and local friendships a priority. Especially when you struggle with feeling lonely abroad.

You can also listen to my podcast episode “Making Friends and Building a Network Abroad” .

What has helped you to meet people abroad and to connect with them? Please share your tips, do’s and don’ts with this community – we’re all in the same boat and greatly appreciate your inputs!