Are you experiencing an Expat Identity Crisis?

One thing many people struggle with when they move abroad is their perceived loss or change in identity. Have you experienced that too?

You knew exactly who you were (and who you were not) when you lived back home. There were clues all over the place that sent out a message to yourself and to others about who you were: because of the family you grew up in, the school and university you went to, the people you hung out with, the neighborhood you lived in, the profession you had and so forth. All of these things made up your identity, your self-image, they provided the context and that gave you a great deal security. 

But when you moved abroad, all of a sudden these things lost meaning. Now, no-one knows the schools and places you went to, you may no longer continue in your line of work and due to the language barrier and lack of social connections, you may have gone from ‘social extrovert’ to a seemingly ‘quiet loner’.

Having an identity crisis and feeling misunderstood, lost and insecure seems like the logical consequence. But what if I told you that this could actually be a good thing?

Reframing the Expat Identity

Our “identity” and self-image can also hold us back from doing many things we would actually really love to do. The reason for this is the following: throughout our childhood and youth we learnt that in order to belong to and be loved by others, we had to abide by certain rules. We had to disown certain parts of ourselves that were considered “too much” or “weird” and adapt.

Belonging is one of the strongest needs of the human species and as children our survival depends on it! So we go to great lengths in order to feel like we belong and to safeguard our role and our place.

We learnt that if we were too nerdy, daddy would prefer to play with our sister. If we were too loud, we’d be ‘too much’ for others. If we were too sensitive, our friends would make fun of us. And if we pursued our passion and became an artist, our family would be disappointed. 

So we put layer over layer on top of our true, authentic selves. We make important life choices, not according to what our heart says, but to what our loved ones, society or culture says – and we don’t even notice! It’s a sacrifice we think we need to make, in order to be safe and loved.

Our self-image is self constructed

What we call our identity, is actually an extension of our ego. It’s a self image we’ve developed and cling to, because we thought it allows us to belong.

There comes a point in everyone’s life where keeping up at least certain parts this self-constructed identity, becomes draining. You may feel like throwing in the towel but by now, it’s difficult to do that: so many things and people depend on you to be the way they’re used to, and for you to keep doing the things they’re used to.

Also, by the time that voice inside you gets louder and points out what’s not working for you, you’ve probably already distanced yourself so much from that innate wisdom of who you are, why you’re here, what your unique gifts are and what truly brings you joy. This can make it hard to find alternatives.

And that’s precisely why leaving your old identity behind like many expats do, can be a great way to discover what else is there for you to discover about yourself. To peal back those layers and see who you are at your core.

How to discover your authentic self abroad

Tool no. 1: Re-thinking your true identity
If someone were to take everything away from you: your gender, nationality, race, profession, material things etc: what would be left of you? Now, keep it hypothetical please – don’t think about how shocked you’d be if someone robbed you of that; just try and identify who you would be if it weren’t for all of those things? That will give you great insight into your essence.

Tool no. 2: Who would you be and what would you do if no one was watching?
Really, think about it, because the answers might surprise you! I, for instance would be singing and dancing much more, possibly on a stage. My clients have told me things like: I’d finally start that Blog or Vlog without fearing any negative backlash. Or: I’d stop collaborating with this association because I don’t enjoy it at all! Or: I’d finally have the courage to start my own business even though no one believes I have what it takes. 

What comes up for you? Can you incorporate these things into your daily life abroad?

Tool no. 3: What did you dream of doing when you were younger?
Can you add elements of these activities and dreams into your daily life for more joy?

Tool no. 4: Check in with your body
What activities, what opinions, what people, what decisions make you feel light, and what others make you feel heavy? Pay some attention to that in the coming days. Go with your gut feeling, that’s important.
You may not always be able to opt for the things that make you feel light but at least knowing about them will be very revealing to you!

As a next step, you can try and add more of the “makes me feel light” things and people into your life and reduce more of the “makes me feel heavy and drained” things.

Conclusion

If you struggle with your loss/change of identity abroad; if you miss the person you used to be back home; if you feel misunderstood and not seen abroad…

-> Allow for the possibility that your identity is not fixed and final. There might be much more to YOU, this beautifully unique YOU, that you have yet to discover. There may be things out there for you that you haven’t considered doing but that would make you so happy. There may be ways for you to share your unique gifts with the world (which you didn’t know you had) and that you didn’t have the chance to before you moved. 

So let me ask you: What is one thing you’d love to do with your life if no one was watching?

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For more content specifically designed to help Expat Women THRIVE, listen to The Empowered Expat Woman Podcast!

Do you resonate with the Expat Identity Crisis?

If you’d like to take uncovering your authentic self to the next level, book a complimentary consultation with me today!

trust in your future abroad