Connection and belonging are core human needs. But when we move to a different country and have to start from scratch, these needs are not immediately covered.⁣
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Everyone can and will experience loneliness from time to time, but for expat women this is a particularly common struggle. Especially in the beginning, you’re left with the sometimes overwhelming taks to manage life in a new country, without a hand to hold, friends to confide in and with little emotional support.⁣

Read on to understand what contributes to you feeling lonely abroad and how you can alleviate that unpleasant feeling!

⁣Why Are You Feeling Lonely Abroad?

You might answer: “Simple – I don’t have any friends yet!” But let’s look a little closer:

There are 3 elements that make up loneliness:⁣

1. Distincitveness: feeling different and separated from others creates a barrier between ‘you’ and ‘them’. It’s almost impossible to fully blend in as a foreigner, be it because of your looks, your accent or cultural conditioning. ⁣
   
   
2. Inadecuacy: many expats may feel a bit inadequate in their host country. Sometimes you can feel ‘less than’ the people in their host country (usually if you consider this country ‘more advanced’ than your own, or if there’s a cultural stereotype about your own country of heritage that affects you negatively); other times, a feeling of being ‘more privileged’ can make you feel uncomfortable and like you’re intruding. Both result in a sense of shame.⁣
   
   
3. Fear of Rejection: because of our innate need for connection and acceptance, most humans grapple with a fear of rejection. Especially for expat women living abroad, you may feel helpless, needy and dependant on others. Navigating different cultures, rules and norms adds to that fear. Women who move abroad long-term often fear losing their identity or struggle with “What could have been?”. Whatever your fear is, it can stand in the way of making authentic connections and thus promotes you feeling lonely abroad.

Reflection Prompts:

• Can you identify what role of these 3 elements play in your life abroad?

• What exactly is perpetuating a sense of loneliness in you?

• Think back of a time you felt particularly connected and like you belonged: Where were you? What did you do? What were you like? How exactly did you feel? Who else was there? What else can you notice about that moment? How could you invite all of these elements into your life today?

5 Antidotes to Feeling Lonely Abroad

1. Self Awareness:

The above reflection prompts can help you better understand what loneliness looks like for you in particular. What feeds it and what keeps you stuck in this feeling. ⁣This will provide valuable insights in what things you could change, what you could try and avoid, and what exactly is missing that you could add to you life.

2. Connecting With Others:

Humans are wired for connection. When you move to a foreign country, you’ll have to make a bit of an extra effort: be friendly and take genuine interest in people; give others the benefit of the doubt; say yes to plans; reach out to people; be a conversation starter; invite someone for a cup of coffee or a playdate; make someone a heartfelt compliment. Try and actively connect with someone each day.

Another great way to connect, especially for introverts who find it hard to take the first step, is by offering your help to someone. This could be at your kid’s school, by volunteering, collaborating at your member’s club, teaching your language or a skill of yours to someone… There’s always someone that you can help out and this will make you both feel connected.

Also, make sure to be nice to your neighbors and the people you see frequently, including waiters and store clerks. This may not necessarily lead to friendships but will make you feel connected. And what you feel within is not only what you show on the outside but also what you’ll likely attract more of!

You can find my favorite and most proven tips to Make Friends Abroad in the same-titled blog post.

3. Connecting With Yourself:

In the words of Rupi Kaur: “Loneliness is a sign that you’re in desperate need for yourself”. Being your own best friend and your biggest ally becomes even more important when you move abroad and have to start from scratch in a new country.

It often feel like it’s me, myself and I – especially in the beginning of expat life – so how can you fill your own emotional bucket? How can you be kind, loving and nurturing to yourself? How can you treat yourself like you would treat a person you truly love and care for?

Your connection with yourself is a prerequisite for combatting loneliness and for living a fulfilled life. Why? Because sometimes we look outside for things, people, distractions to give you the love, approval and joy that we’re lacking inside. Therefore, there’s an aspect about loneliness that can be tackled from within.

If you invest in building a loving relationship with yourself, you won’t only make moments alone more bearable; self-love has a ripple effect outward, and other people will feel more drawn to be in your presence. You’ll also become a better friend when you treat others as well as you treat yourself.

Helping you to become your own biggest ally is one of my specialties. I invite you to listen to my podcast episodes:

• “Starting a Love Affair Abroad – 7 Steps to Radical Self Love” and
• “How to Become Your Own Biggest Ally to Handle Any Challenge”

Want more personalized help?

Then schedule a complimentary consultation with me here:

4. Authenticity:

In order to develop a close relationships with yourself and others (and closeness is key in combatting loneliness!) you’ll need to truly get to know and dare to be yourself. If you don’t allow others to see your ‘true colors’, they can never love you for who you are and no matter what they do, you’ll never feel like you (your authentic self, that is) are truly seen and accepted. That’s why you can feel lonely even when surrounded by people you know.⁣ 
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5. Community:

This is similar to connection, but takes it a step further. I’ve found that – especially for sociable extroverts and people from a collectivist cultures, that is driven by relationships – being part of a community is what makes a place feel like ‘home’. Community creates belonging and belonging eradicates loneliness.⁣

• Can you join a community? There are expat clubs and associations, as well as interest groups in most cities.
• If not, can you create one? (A client of mine started a book club in a remote area)
• Could you volunteer? For a good cause, at your kid’s school, or at your expat club?
• If you feel like you need extra support and guidance in establishing and maintaining meaningful relationships, consider seeking expat coaching services.

What has helped you to overcome feeling lonely abroad? Which of the above tips and tools have been most valuable to you?