When I first moved abroad for my partner, I honestly didn’t really think I had a choice.
Coming from a lineage of several, good Catholic women who had followed their spouses to different countries without questioning it, I felt compelled to do the same. They dealt with the bittersweet consequences mostly in private – as do many women I encounter and work with.
Today, I want to honor all of these women and use their untold stories to inform others.
The prevailing notion for many is that a husband’s work and income are decisive factors for relocating. Many women harbor a special willingness to make sacrifices for the sake of their families, and still today, the vast majority of accompanying expat and diplomat partners are female.
If You Consider Moving Abroad For Your Partner…
… it could be a great adventure, and an opportunity for you to grow, as individuals, as a couple, personally and professionally.
However, I feel called to emphasize that you have other options. Irrespective of your and your partner’s origins or the destination in question, it’s crucial to explore them, contemplate various scenarios, and remain open to change if it serves the best interests of you, your partner, or your children.
Let’s shed light on six vital considerations you should ponder individually and then discuss together, before taking the significant decision to move abroad for your partner:
1. “What will my life in the new country look like?”
I encourage you to think about that, investigate and set realistic expectations:
- What circumstances, difficulties and opportunities might you encounter there?
- How will you fill your days after you’ve settled in?
- What do you need to experience in a day to feel satisfied? (Accomplishments? Connection? Work? Etc)
- What do you anticipate that you’ll lose or have less of in the country of question? Are you willing to make that sacrifice? How could you compensate for these things?
2. “What do I gain from moving abroad for my partner?”
In all honesty: would this move be a step up or down from your current life? In what ways?
Sometimes we’re solely focusing on the gains of our partner (e.g. a better position or income), or on some perks that seem like gains on the surface. But it’s key to also be able to answer this question for yourself: reflect on what it is you value most in life, and use these insights to evaluate your potential move.
Having determined what you might gain beforehand, will also make it easier for you to see the bigger picture and pursue inspiring goals once you’re there or when you encounter adversity.
3. “Will I be able to work there?”
Even if it’s not in the plans right away, as time passes, your needs, interests and circumstances may change and it’s important to have the option.
- Could you get a work permit?
- Would you be able to find satisfactory professional opportunities? (Think about your language skills, the feasibility of homologating your diplomas, but also about e.g. the availability of part time opportunities / career chances / local requirements and your personal preferences.)
4. “What about my finances?”
Being financially independent is important on so many levels. Even if your spouse has a good income and can provide for you and your family, here’s why you shouldn’t neglect your own financial literacy and autonomy:
- When you rely completely on someone else’s money, you become overly dependent on them. This might not be a problem when your partner is healthy, generating income and everything is going well in your relationship. But you can’t count on that always being the case. Plus, relying too much on your partner’s money could negatively affect the dynamic of the relationship.
- Think about your retirement: unfortunately, too many great women who have dedicated much of their lives to raising good human beings and supporting their families – thus making an invaluable contribution to society – face poverty later on in life. As our life expectancy increases, we depend more and more on retirement payments and savings, so this is an alarming reality.
I sincerely hope that countries (especially those with shrinking, aging populations across Europe) will value and fairly support women who give birth, raise children, and care for the next generation, instead of perpetuating the financial and professional difficulties this brings about. However, in the meantime it’s important to be smart about our money!
No matter your age, you should start planning for your retirement now. I strongly suggest talking to your partner about this and getting advice from financial experts.
5. “What if at a given time I want to move back home or somewhere else?”
It’s a good idea to think and talk about this scenario before moving abroad for your partner.
Some couples agree on a specific amount of time, like 4 years, to support one partner’s international career. But they also agree rethink their choice and where to live, to make sure both partners are happy.
Keep in mind: even if your partner is the one making most of the money, your needs and happiness are just as important as theirs.
6. Truth bomb: You won’t be happy ‘anywhere’
Let’s dive into another important topic: the belief that one can be happy anywhere. This is a dangerous message that has been used to dismiss and discredit the experience of expat women.
It’s as if they’re told that if they’re not content, it’s their fault, and they simply need to try harder to figure out how to be happy. What an unfair burden – especially since we wouldn’t apply the same standard to happiness in other aspects of life (like proclaiming that “one can be happy with just any person or at any job if only you try hard enough”).
Don’t get me wrong; there are many ways to improve your emotional well-being, build resilience, maintain optimism, and cultivate a positive outlook on life. As an Expat Empowerment Coach, I’ve had the privilege of helping numerous women achieve these goals, and I’ve personally experienced the benefits, which I’m eternally grateful for.
Of course, no matter where you live, you will always face difficult moments as well, and they, too, teach us valuable life lessons. Like providing urgency to make an important change; teaching us to enjoy our own company and depend less on others; take better care of ourselves or simply realize what really matters to us.
However, after decades of personal and professional experience with expat life, I’ve come to the conclusion that a person won’t be happy anywhere.
The Importance Of Knowing Your Values, Needs and Goals in Life
Whether you are, greatly depends on what you value most in life and whether your circumstances and possibilities abroad align with those values. This understanding requires deep self-awareness, insight and clarity on your needs, goals and vision in life.
For example, if family is your top priority, living abroad can be emotionally challenging, particularly if visits are infrequent, your children (and grandchildren) are scattered across the globe, or your parents back home are aging or unwell. Similarly, if personal freedom is essential to you, living in a place where your basic liberties are restricted can be incredibly tough. If you are eager to work, yet don’t get a work permit, that will be a serious obstacle for your satisfaction in life.
You are allowed to know what you want, what you don’t want, and to assert that. There’s no shame in that, so don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it. (If you need help with this, check out Confidence Catalyst here!)
So, take a moment to reflect on your core values and what truly matters to you. What do you hold above all else?
And is your host country the fertile soil you require and desire, in order to unfold your potential and grow?
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These are the six crucial considerations to ponder and discuss before moving abroad for your partner.
Have you addressed these points with your spouse?
Is there anything you would like to add or share about your experiences?
Head over to my social media or send me an e-mail and let’s keep the conversation going!
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