Underchallenged and unsatisfied: How Boreout can affect Expat Wives

by Camilla Quintana | Feb 12, 2020 | Blog

What is ‘Boreout’?

We all know what a Burnout is, but have you heard of BOREOUT?

And did you know Expat wives can be at risk of developing Boreout?

Boreout is a disorder caused by chronic mental underload that leads to a persistent lack of motivation and interest, to frustration, lethargy and in some cases even depression. 

I recently stumbled across this phenomenon and posted about it on my Instagram Account: what followed were numerous comments and messages by expat women, who’d had similar experiences.

Intrigued, I began researching: Interestingly, most literature and scientific studies I found were in German (which luckily I speak) and related to Boreout in the workplace. But in fact, it can affect many different people and different areas of life, and I see this syndrome in some of my clients who are in their majority non-working expat wives – women who followed their husband’s career abroad but who may find themselves lost and insufficiently challenged in their new country.

If that rings a bell for you or you know someone who fits the description, read on because I’m gonna take the scientific research and make it relevant to YOU.

Do you think you might suffer from Boreout or are headed that way? Then you can schedule a free consultation with me here

Is Boreout a “First World Problem”?

The reason that this wide-spread phenomenon isn’t talked about as much as it should be, is because boreout symptoms can easily be viewed as desirable, first world problems even:

• not having lots of stress,
• having enough spare time to google every and anything
• being able to watch all of your favorite TV shows and
• taking naps in the middle of the day…

Who would say no to that? Would others pity you for that? 

Well, as I’m about to show you when this becomes the rule and you feel under-challenged on a daily basis, it’s so deeply unsatisfying it can eat you up from the inside. As a matter of fact, in some literature the syndrome is described as ‘soul-infarct’, because that’s what it can feel like to those affected. 

Why Expat Wives may experience Boreout

If you followed your partner abroad for an expat or diplomatic assignment and do not have something meaningful to spend your days with, it can affect your self worth:

The Self Worth Theory in psychology suggests that it’s an innate human need to be seen as capable, competent and able by ourselves and others.

Therefore, your own sense of worth is a direct result of your perceived ability to achieve certain things and to your performance. But when there’s nothing for you to achieve, nothing that challenges you and that makes you feel proud of what we’ve done or gets you praise for that from others around you: your sense of worth can begin to crumble. And this is something that will affect other areas of your lives as well.

How can we spot Boreout:

Boreout is most commonly found in office jobs. Oftentimes, employees enter the workplace with high motivation but then find that either, their tasks don’t fit their expectations and aren’t enjoyable to them, or they may be stuck in an environment where their superiors don’t delegate or only pass on “boring taks” to them.

Soon they’ll find that their motivation decreases, but at the same time they’ll feel badly about not having enough work – which is difficult to communicate to your superiors because
a) it could make their position seem redundant and
b) they may be given even more of those boring tasks they loathe

Bore-out affected employees typically develop a series of strategies to pretend to be busy – always having a work-related tab open when they’re actually googling their next vacation, eating lunch at their desk, taking files home with them in the evening or making personal calls sound like they could be work-related. 

Boreout in Expat Wives

In the case of the woman who’s given up life as she knew it, her job, her social circle etc to move abroad for her significant other she can easily and commonly find herself in a situation that could lead to Boreout. I’ve identified 4 types of accompanying spouses that may either present related symptoms or may suffer from Boreout:

• Expat Wife Type 1
  

  She’s unable to work because of visa restrictions, language barrier and the likes – and feels frustrated and under-challenged as a consequence. Her strong desire to work or to be intellectually challenged clashes with her reality of not having any kind of outlet for this desire. If she doesn’t find one, she can fall into the Boreout trap, and it will become increasingly hard for her to get out of bed, to motivate herself and to actively look for meaning-providing activities.

• Expat Wife Type 2

  She had to take a job that doesn’t actually suit her qualifications and interests, out of a sheer lack of options in her new country – which can make her dread going there and carrying out her “senseless” tasks at work. Especially if she feels overqualified, she can quickly reach a stage of chronic boredom and demotivation, which can lead to Boreout (typically, she’d apply the pretend strategies named above in order to seem busy, out of fear to be out of a job that wasn’t easy to find to begin with).

• Expat Wife Type 3:

  She chose not to work at all, but at the same time finds it difficult to fill her days with meaningful past-times and activities. She’s also lacking close friendships in her new place. If she has children they may be in school all day, leaving her twiddling her thumbs during chunks of the day.

• Expat Wife Type 4:

  She stays at home and takes care of her children, which is such a beautiful and important thing to do. However, there are some people that just naturally enjoy things like cooking, building Brio trains and playing hide and seek and others who actually don’t. And that doesn’t make them a bad mother, it just means that they will have to fill up their need for mental stimulation in a different way.

  Scientific studies suggest that it’s unlikely for a person taking care of or working with small infants to develop Boreout, because of the nature of the tasks and interaction (like it or not, you can’t pretend to be busy and regularly go into hiding when your children need you or cry for your help). In that case, you may feel intellectually under-challenged or even burned out, but it wouldn’t be labeled Boreout.

>>> No matter what your situation is: it’s normal to feel bored and under challenged from time to time, but if you feel a deep lack of satisfaction in the activities you do all day, and find it increasingly hard to motivate yourself, to get yourself to do anything: you may be suffering from Boreout.

Name it to tame it

I want to give you the name of what it is your experiencing, because when you suffer from boreout you feel terrible about yourself: you’re losing faith in your own abilities; you’re losing hope to find something meaningful out there for you; you may come think of yourself as lazy (or be perceived as such) and feel ashamed about that; also, your frustration won’t stop there, it will bleed into your relationships and create unhealthy patterns and co-dependency.

What feeds the Boreout monster?

1. Digitalisation 

has brought us so many pleasurable distractions: Social Media, Youtube, Google, Netflix – there’s always something to do on the internet and it’s easy to convince yourself that what you’re doing is really important or enjoyable. Who would complain about having time for that? And yet, it’s actually making you waste valuable time that you could spend doing much more fulfilling and productive things.

2. Outside Pressure:

If you’re an expat wife you might enjoy certain privileges: a beautiful home, enough help around the house, nannies, and enough money in order to “not worry about it”. You might feel that you should be grateful for that, and others would certainly not understand if you complained and told them that it wasn’t enough. So you stay quiet, feel ashamed for the feelings you’re having and as a result get even more stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling so unfulfilled and unsatisfied, but at the same wanting to pretend that you’re okay.

3. Lack of Integrity: 

Studies suggest that at the workplace, a lack of integrity and identification with the company puts employees at a greater risk to suffer from boreout. When you live in another country, and especially if you’re there on a temporary assignment and your stay is limited to a few years, you may experience the same type of dis-identification with your host country. That can lead you to think: “Why bother looking for friends, or a job or a class to take…. I’ll be gone in a few years anyway and besides, I don’t’t think I’d find anything exciting to do around here anyway”.

So now that we’ve analyzed the boreout syndrome from different angles, the question remains:

How to overcome Boreout:

1. Self-awareness: 

First of all, it is important to become aware of the existence of this syndrome. Have you experienced a lack of motivation and drive lately? Do you miss a sense significance, stimulation and accomplishment in your daily life? Does shame and wanting to keep up appearances get in the way of admitting this? 

2. Self Compassion:

Being able to give your emotional state a name can be a tremendous relief and validates your experience. It’s okay for you to feel the way you do and you are by no means the only one. Be kind to yourself throughout the healing process, as letting go of the shame associated with your symptoms is necessary for your recovery. Try to speak to yourself like you would to your best friend.  

3. Talk about it

Has your partner or someone close to you worried about or criticized your lack of drive and motivation? Sharing this article with him can open up a constructive dialogue about what you’re going through. Can you seek the comfort of a good friend? Can you get an accountability partner to motivate you to research and schedule more gratifying activities? I also strongly recommend talking to a trained professional to help you break out of the Boreout cycle.

4. Taking Responsibility: 

While you may not be able to change the main circumstances that contributed to your Boreout, you can focus on what’s in your circle of influence and take full responsibility for that. So often, we focus on what we don’t want or have, but in order to grow we need to get clear on what it is we do want for our lives. Setting positive intentions is a vital ingredient for growth:

•  Reflect on what your goals are in life. What would it take for you to get there and to embody the kind of person you want to be? What would she do? What wouldn’t she do? 
• Re-think and re-instate boundaries, for yourself and others. Take care of yourself and find a good balance between doing what you have to do and doing what you like to do.
• Schedule your time carefully. What tasks could you add to your daily schedule that would fill you with joy? Put a system into place that will make it easier for you to be productive (for instance, set a timer to go off after 20 minutes spent on Pinterest; challenge yourself to meet with 2 people a week, to enroll in a class or to volunteer…)

5. Look for meaning and purpose:  

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to go looking for them outside. Purpose can be created from within and regardless of your current location by getting clear on: 

• what truly brings you joy in life
• what your unique skills and values are
• what impact you want to make in the world

Also: make sure to actively look for activities that will stimulate your intellect,because that’s exactly what’s needed to overcome Boreout. 

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If you think you might suffer from Boreout or are headed that way, please schedule a complimentary, professional consultation with me now!

Further Resources

• Read my article in Global Living Magazine about Boreout in Expat Wives here 
• Listen to my Podcast Episode on Boreout here