by Camilla Quintana | Jan 24, 2023 | Blog
I recently found myself in a room with very inspiring people. Corporate CEOs, Doctors, bestselling authors – you name it.
We were all asked to say a few words about ourselves and topic of expertise. And as I listened to break-through research in Cancer treatments, economic trends and so forth, I noticed an uneasy feeling creeping up inside of me.
“What on Earth am I gonna share with these people that would be of relevance to them??” the voice of fear fretted.
Immediately after thinking that, I noticed a different voice speak up in my head. And it was basically giving me a pep talk.
My inner voice said “Don’t worry Camilla, you have a lot to say, you have great accomplishments and above all you have your unique perspective to share!”
Being reassured and uplifted that way by myself felt like the warmest hug.
Not only did it make me feel confident and courageous enough to speak, I also knew that no matter what happened, even if I were to make the biggest fool of myself, I still had my own back.
I ended up talking about the importance of becoming your own biggest ally – something most people have yet to master, no matter how successful they may seem to be.
I know from experience that when you get to that place, you’ll be able to handle any challenge. You’ll also make living with yourself a much more enjoyable and inspiring experience!
The Essence of a Fulfilled Expat Life
If I had to name the single biggest game-changer in my own Expat Life it’d be this:
Being my own biggest ally on the journey of being an expat.
You see, as Global Women, we go through so many ups and downs, changes and uncertainty. It’s important to become your own safe haven that you can return to when the storm hits and rocks your boat.
As an expat, no matter whether you’re partnered or single, you’ll have moments of loneliness, sadness and frustration as you’re navigating life overseas.
To get through thisou’ll need to become your own biggest support system, ready to lovingly comfort yourself when there’s no one else to do it for you.
Sometimes, us Expat Women and Expat Moms have to work extra hard. We are faced with the challenges of raising multicultural kids or asserting ourselves in a foreign workplace, in a different language and context.
But you can learn to become your own power plug, to be able to replenish and recharge when you’ve reached that point of exhaustion.
There will be crossroads that others will have difficulty relating to. Think: “Should I move back home??”, “Will my kids handle another relocation?” or “Should I start a business abroad without knowing how long I’ll be here for?”
In these tricky moments where others’ advice likely falls short, you need to become your own most trusted advisor who safeguards your wellbeing, core values and authenticity.
Being able to fully trust yourself to stand by your side, no matter what, is the essence of a fulfilled and successful life – abroad and anywhere.
Why Many Women Struggle with Self-Love
Something I’ve noticed in years of coaching women and expat women in particular, is that we’re especially prone to suffer from Impostor Syndrome.
We tend to have a very vocal Inner Critic, and often battle with insecurity.
(Click here to listen to “How To Effectively Deal With Your Inner Critic & Co” on The Empowered Expat Wife Podcast)
While there’s a myriad of reasons why this may be the case, I quickly want to mention one: and it’s that throughout 10,000 years of Patriarchy, women have been both marginalized and idealized.
We’ve been an object of admiration but also of critical evaluation by men and through the male lens – which could easily set us up for failure.
There’s fascinating research about this phenomenon, and also about how these female experiences have been passed on to us epigenetically by our ancestors. I think this gives us valuable insight into where our deep rooted fears about worthiness come from.
And yet, the wellbeing of women is crucial for the wellbeing of the world. We see that play out on a smaller scale within a family and community where women are often the backbone. And you know where your wellbeing starts?
It starts by feeling completely safe, loved, nurtured and accepted no matter what BY YOURSELF.
Isn’t it funny that we tend to have very clear ideas of what we’d want our romantic partner to be like. We know what we’d want them to say and do, how they should treat us… But when it comes to ourselves we quickly throw those ideals out the window.
You need to be radically loving in your relationship with yourself, because it’s the single most important one you’ll ever have.
You’re the only one who’ll be with you always and no matter what, from the time you’re born until the moment you die.
Even if many of your other relationships feel more important to you, the way you relate to yourself will be absolutely decisive in how fulfilling and healthy your relationships with others will be.
A little bit of self-love is a good start. But radical self-love will improve the quality of all areas of your life like nothing else!
Ambition meets Radical Self-Love
Many of my clients are women planning to start their own business abroad, or expat entrepreneurs wanting to reach the next level. Other coaching clients have a big goal or heart project in mind they want to accomplish.
Without a doubt, they are ambitious global women, ready to push themselves to get ahead.
I think ambition is key – as long as it’s paired with a dose of radical self love. As a self-love and empowerment coach, I understand the importance of balancing ambition with radical self-love.
But bear in mind that the radically most loving things you can do for yourself aren’t necessarily the “very best” things for your business or career as an expat (because that would be ambition again).
Instead it can mean:
- Accepting your flaws – without wanting to forcefully change them
- Admitting “I’m really struggling with this situation” – without shame and guilt
- Or to say “I tried my best. Next time it will work out better” – and leave it at that
Radical Self-Love is a fearless YES, I DO you say to yourself, to your worthiness, your right to exist and your innate dignity.
Click here to listen to “Starting A Love Affair Abroad (8 Steps to Radical Self Love)” on The Empowered Expat Woman Podcast
From Negative to Constructive Self-Talk
The way you talk to yourself is an important symptom of the state of the relationship you have with yourself!
One of my clients recently shared snippets of her self-talk with me. It was harsh and critical, and she blamed herself for everything that didn’t go perfectly in her work and family – even things she rationally knew she had nothing to do with.
As a consequence, she didn’t feel safe in her own mind, and was constantly alert, anxious to drop the ball or to let anyone down.
It’s not easy to transform long ingrained patterns, and I knew that by suggesting she should I would add extra pressure on her, leaving her feeling like a failure – again.
After two hours of Coaching-magic that brought much relief, I asked her to do a simple trick:
- Become aware of and pay attention to negative self talk every time it occurred
- Add a kind statement after each unkind thought
This could sound something like this: “Man, I really messed up that project! That client will never work with me again…. But I’m proud of how hard I worked on it nevertheless.”
Or
“I really made a fool of myself at that party…. But I looked good in that new dress!”
If you’re having a really hard time coming up with a kind thought in a given situation, try thinking about what a loved one might say to you in that moment.
By offering an alternative, positive statement to your brain, you create new neural pathways and habits. After a little time it will become easier and easier to think of and believe in those after-thoughts. And soon, you’ll be able to replace your negative self-talk with neutral or positive thoughts, more and more often.
Identifying Your Inner Saboteurs
You are likely familiar with the terms ‘Inner Critic’ and ‘Impostor Syndrome’.
But did you know there are actually plenty of other ‘inner voices’ operating under the radar? By failing to identify them, you run the risk of not even noticing them and becoming enmeshed with their message.
So which inner voice typically sabotages you and your efforts?
Maybe it’s an inner worrier, a pessimist, a no-can’t-do kind of voice.
Or an inner complainer, that points out everything you don’t like, what you shouldn’t have to do and put up with.
It could be your inner slug you hear a lot, the one that tells you it’s okay not to try harder, not to take on another task and not to go to the gym.
Let me tell you my own story: I always thought I had my inner critic in check. There was so much focus on that particular inner voice, it was all I’d ever heard and thought about.
Until one day (between an important work-related deadline, my kids and a big dinner party), I realized that there was a different voice getting too much air-time in my mind.
I now call it my ‘little over-achiever’. The one that shows up when things are getting too much, when I start running out of strength, resources, time… and goes: ‘come on Camilla, you can do this. Say yes to yet another thing. You know you can give a little more, push through it? You’ve done it so many times, just do it again.’
Sometimes that voice will even flatter me in a manipulative way, and say something like “You know you can do it faster or better anyway” or “You’ll feel so good after you’ve accomplished this”.
Because of the way my inner overachiever speaks to me, I didn’t detect that it was actually a voice that could harm me or do me a disservice.
Can you relate? Here’s what I recommend to overcome the overachiever inner voice.
Step into Self-Leadership
Building a strong relationship with self, we spend most of our youth wanting to finally be our own boss – but when the time comes: are we actually doing a good job??
In essence, you’re the CEO of yourself and of your life and acting like the CEO of your life will lead you to achieve your Expat goals!
In order to successfully manage the most important entity you’ll ever know (a.k.a. YOU!), you’ll need some solid leadership skills in place!
Some leadership skills and tactics to be CEO of your life include:
- Having a clear vision of what you want to achieve
- A map of the best way to get there
- Learning how to intrinsically motivate yourself in order to stay on track
- Making really smart decisions – even the ‘unpopular’ ones
- Remaining true to your core values, standards and mission
- Creating a plan B if A doesn’t work out
And regarding those inner voices? A great CEO would call a Board Meeting and invite all of them to speak. After all, they all want to be helpful in their own way – they just sometimes fail at it.
But you don’t need to shut your inner voices down entirely. Just make sure your inner CEO skillfully knows how to moderate the conversation and passes the mic on to other, more constructive voices that may not have had the chance to voice their opinions.
So, when Inner Critic had made their point and the Overachiever added their 20 cents – it’s time to call Inner Cheerleader to the front, or to have Inner Optimist give a presentation!
Who is missing at your board table? Whose input are you not getting? Have your inner CEO hire those voices asap, to make your self-talk more empowering, diverse and constructive!
Need Help Finding or Strengthening Your Inner Positive Voices?
If you’ve struggled to identify any positive inner voices in the past, rest assured you aren’t alone. Sometimes it can be hard to identify and trust the positive voices in your head, because the negative voices are so loud.
That’s why managing your inner voices and becoming your own biggest ally is an integral part of my Success Clover Method – which helps expat women like you turn their dreams into reality.
It’s a revolutionary approach to goal-setting and goal-getting, because it focuses on
- Figuring out what a fulfilling life looks like to you personally – and embracing it!
(instead of trying to live up to everyone else’s standards and losing yourself in the process)
- Stepping into your most authentic, best self and setting goals from her point of view
(no more dreaming and playing small)
- Gaining clarity and confidence to take the right action steps towards your goals
(because it’s not about how hard you work but how effective you are!)
- Becoming your own biggest ally on this journey
(so that you can stay intrinsically motivated and overcome any challenges along the way)
… and all of it comes in a super supportive, loving and encouraging container!
If you feel inspired to explore what your 10X life could look like, and how you could actually make it a reality, here’s what to do next:
by Camilla Quintana | Jan 24, 2023 | Blog
As expat women, our unique situation can feel like we are pulled in many different directions with competing priorities. Whether it’s the demands of raising children in a foreign country, establishing a business or career abroad or even juggling the emotional rollercoaster of living abroad, we can get stuck in loops of procrastination or even over-productivity. Remote work overseas can feel overwhelming, especially for expat woman juggling a challenging career and a multicultural family.
In today’s society, we are led to believe that the more we do, the more productive we are our value and worth lie in our productivity. But this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Hustle culture has given rise to overwhelm, chronic stress and burnout.
It’s particularly harmful to women (more on that later), and takes a toll on our physical, mental and hormonal wellbeing, as well as our relationships.
What’s the point in achieving your goals when it makes you feel unhappy and stressed in return?
The amount of time and effort you put into a certain task also doesn’t necessarily determine the quality.
Nor does time and effort mean you’re doing the right things that will actually get you to your goals. (Trust me, I also know a thing or two about “procrasti-working” – the act of staying busy, doing a bunch of things, just not the ones that will yield results!)
That’s why this post and focus of my work is not just called: Action but
Inspired Action
Inspired Action is when you are deeply connected to yourself, fully aligned with your purpose or vision, and taking the most effective steps to meet your goals.
If you focus on taking inspired action in all areas of your life, you will feel:
- Intrinsically motivated
- Joyful throughout the process
- Fulfilled upon achieving what you set your mind to
What is something you really want to make happen in your expat life?
I invite you to close your eyes for a moment to visualize it vividly or go through the 10X exercise to help you visualize what your new life could look like.
Keep this goal in mind to apply everything you read in this article to this vision of your future life.
Are you prepared for the journey?
Whenever you seek to improve the quality of your life and the results you get, you need to be prepared to make some sacrifices. There will be times in which you’ll get uncomfortable and need to face your fears. You’ve already done this once by moving abroad, but it can be different when it is your own goals.
Are you willing to do face your fears? If your answer is YES!, this will differentiate you from the majority of people already.
If you’re hesitant, it can help to remind yourself WHY you want to accomplish something, why your goal matters, to you and others. When there’s a why there’s a way, so keep this thought present.
You’re not just doing this for yourself, but also for others who will benefit from you reaching your goal!
Getting uncomfortable is something many people are afraid of. This can be especially tricky for non-working expat wives and expat partners, who may feel torn between wanting more of a challenge, and not wanting to risk losing their comfortable, flexible lifestyle.
However, if the desire for more purpose and meaning is strong, my answer is clear: Do whatever it takes to add a greater sense of accomplishment and significance to your life. This is a long-term investment in your life-satisfaction and there’s a scientific reason behind it.
The Self Worth Theory
The Self-Worth Theory stresses that: It’s an innate human need to be seen as capable, competent and able by ourselves and by others.
Your own sense of worth is a direct result of your perceived ability to achieve certain things and your performance. But when there’s nothing for you to achieve, nothing that challenges you and that makes you feel proud of what you’ve done or gets you praise for by others, your sense of worth can begin to crumble. And this will affect your wellbeing, your relationships and sense of significance.
Therefore, having a comfortable life does not equal a fulfilled life. The latter involves having meaning, purpose and accomplishments.
If you’re still worried that this will lead to a loss of ‘quality of life’, remember this: it’s not about working harder and longer but about taking inspired action. A self-love and empowerment coach can help you work through these challenges and help you find purpose, meaning, and fulfillment in your life. Working harder can drain and exhaust you, but Inspired Action will lift your spirits and give you even more energy than you thought you had available!
The cycle of creation to achieve your expat goals
It may come as a surprise to you that inspired action can take on different and unexpected forms that are all an essential part of the cycle of creation.
It’s important to note that constant activity doesn’t equal effectiveness, nor does seemingly unproductive times equal ineffectiveness.
Rather, there are 4 different phases that make up inspired action:
- Impulse: commit to chasing sparks and impulses! This could be a new idea or vision. The excitement about it releases Dopamine in your brain and will make you want you to act on it.
- Motion: taking action to bring your idea or vision to life.
- Correction: evaluating your results, analyzing your actions and re-defining your goal even more precisely goes a long way and will make you truly masterful.
- Pause: don’t be fooled, our brain is always working – even when we’re resting or sleeping. Taking breaks to replenish is not only vital to process and anchor everything we’ve done and learned, but also to come up with new impulses!
Leveraging the power of our feminine nature as expat women
One of the key differences between men and women are our hormonal cycles, also known as biorhythms.
Men have a 24h sleep-wake cycle – perfectly in sync with the standard work day we know today (which were, of course, created by and for men).
The female biorhythm is more complex: 28(ish) days divided into 4 different phases during which we present completely different physiological and hormonal traits.
Understanding our biorhythms allows us as empowered women to work with, rather than against, our cycles and leverage the power they provide us.
These are the 4 cycles and how to leverage them:
- During the Follicular Phase (between menstruation and ovulation), our serotonin and endorphin levels are on the rise, boosting our mood and motivation. We enjoy enhanced cognitive performance – so it’s a great time for MOTION.
- Ovulation brings a peak in estrogen and other neurochemicals. It’s likely you’ll feel ‘at your best’ during this relatively short window of time, great for socializing, networking, pitching and presenting!
- In the Luteal Phase, progesterone (the pregnancy hormone) peaks, but so does Gaba – which is in charge of calming the central nervous system, and improving focus and memory. This is a great time to analyze, learn and adapt – as required in the CORRECTION phase.
- Finally, during Menstruation, our metabolism slows down. We have enhanced cognitive empathy and intuition, and so it’s a great time to PAUSE, turn inward, self-care, and make room for our next IMPULSE.
Keep the wheel turning to reach your goals
I hope to have shed a new light on what inspired action means, and that it doesn’t have to do with Hustle Culture.
In order to get the most out of the cycle of inspired action, it’s important to keep the wheel turning. But sometimes, we’re at risk of remaining stuck in one phase of the cycle:
For instance, when you pause for too long, you’ll lose momentum. This will make it harder for you to take action, which will consequently invite self-doubt.
If you keep looking for impulses, for new ideas, day-dreaming of everything you’d like to do, you can easily fall into overwhelm and stay stuck.
What’s more, your brain can become used – yes, even addicted – to the Dopamine kicks it experiences every time you have a new idea. But this will be deeply unsatisfying. You need to start taking action steps to release that creative tension and feel a sense of meaning and accomplishment.
On the other hand, remaining in work mode for too long can reduce the quality of your work and impulses, as well as lead to stress and burnout.
Finally, staying stuck in correction mode (or preparation mode) can look like perfectionism, analysis paralysis or over-educating yourself, in theory. It can reinforce the feeling of “not being ready”, when “readiness” is actually a result of practice.
Whenever you feel stuck in one of the cycles, it’s likely that you are lacking clarity onwhat to do next. This can be resolved by:
Breaking down your big goals into chunks
One thing I do with my expat coaching clients is create actionable steps so that they can easily move forward with their project and be accountable.
Below I’ll share 4 different approaches with you. Depending on my client’s personality, lifestyle and circumstances, we may opt for one or another. Which one do you see yourself adopting?
1. Daily baby-steps
In his book “Atomic Habits”, James Clear talks about the 1% rule. In essence, it’s about making small but sustainable changes over a prolonged period of time.
He demonstrates that by improving 1% only each day, you will see a 31,18% improvement after one year. That’s pretty amazing, right!?
Making 1% changes might not sound or feel super exciting at first. But don’t be fooled: you’re building a habit that will stay with you, plus, you’ll reap the benefits of the compound effect (=Choices + Behavior + Habits + Time).
This is a great approach to improving the quality of your life or a certain area of it for anyone; particularly, if you got a lot on your plate and already feel overwhelmed as it is, I recommend you to adopt the 1% rule!
2. Your big heart project
This is a more intuitive approach, where you get to ride a wave of excitement, motivation and momentum towards a BIG goal you whole-heartedly set for yourself!
If the idea and the purpose behind it is enticing enough, you will find ways to work towards this without needing too much of structure and planning.
What you’re looking for are states of Flow (more on that later), where you’re highly inspired, immersed and productive. This is the kind of project that will make you want to get up earlier in the morning, dedicate every single minute to it, and try again and again, even when something doesn’t work out. You probably can’t stop thinking and talking about it, even when you’re doing something else.
Your heart project is a specific thing done in a specific timeframe. For instance, writing a book or creating a campaign.
Because of its intense nature, it’s not supposed to become a lifestyle – which could lead to exhaustion or obsession. Remember that the cycle of inspired action also calls for times of rest.
The state of mind I get into when I pursue a big heart project is my favorite, and I wish this experience on everyone! Still, it’s a temporary approach and best combined with one of the others.
3. The 3 year plan
This concept has been a game-changer for me and many other women I’ve worked with. In today’s world, we think everything needs to be done right away – or yesterday! – but this expectation only sets us up for failure and sucks out all of the joy of creation.
I say: New Year’s Resolutions are overrated. There is something so incredibly luxurious, liberating and inspiring about creating a 3 year plan for yourself!
Here’s why:
- It will make you think BIGGER (remember the 10x Rule (link)?) and thus allow you to set BETTER goals for yourself
- It will take the pressure off of you and reinforce what you already know to be true: the journey is the destination – more than the final results. First of all, because a goal is reached gradually and consists of different milestones; and second of all: what’s the point in going after it when you don’t enjoy the process!?
- It creates space: for detours and corrections; relocations; babies being born; and so forth. This is particularly valuable for Expat Women.
What’s important, though, is to not lose sight of where you’re headed. This can be done by:
4. Setting Weekly / Monthly Goals
This approach is great for the most organized and consistent among us, as well as in combination with the above approaches. Depending on how much structure you thrive under, you can map out
- Specific tasks, done on specific days each week
- An overall vision of what you’d like to accomplish each month
- Or anything in between
Whichever approach or combination you choose, what’s important is to work smarter, not harder. This can be achieved by tapping into:
Leveraging Flow To Meet Your Expat Life Goals
Flow is a state of mind in which you are so focused and immersed in an activity, that time seems to stand still.
The experience of flow brings heightened awareness, effectiveness, creativity and joy – good news for busy (expat) moms and everyone who thought success was about the amount of time invested.
If you learn to make room for and incorporate more Flow states into your life, you won’t only achieve more in less time, but also deliver much higher-quality work!
I’ve been trained in Flow-achievement, so let me give you a few important pointers you need to know in a nutshell:
-
Sleep
We tend to think sleep is unproductive, and in the most hectic times we even reduce the hours of sleep.
Actually: it’s the most productive and regenerative thing you can do for your mind and body. It will make you feel and function better, be in a much better mood, work better, and think better.
There are hundreds of studies that prove what fatal consequences chronic sleep deprivation has: it increases your risk of depression, diabetes, obesity, dementia, accidents, and high blood pressure. It’s also said to reduce your lifespan by 3 years!
A good night’s sleep is fundamental to being at your best and entering states of Flow.
-
Reduce Cognitive Load
Did you know that every time you set out to do something, but don’t – for whatever reason – you leave an open loop in your brain?
Because even when you’re not actively thinking about it, your subconscious mind retains these things for you, and basically marks them as ‘unfinished business’. It’s like an open tab you forgot about that takes up energy and space.
To enter a state of Flow you need to reduce stress – even the one you’re not aware of. So give your brain a breather: write down any dates and to-dos you want to remember. Do little things right away so you can tick them off your list. And get real about what you’re not going to do. It’s better to be honest with yourself and abort or officially postpone a plan than to have it lingering in the back of your mind.
-
Simplify
In order to reach a state of heightened focus and awareness, you need to quiet the “background noise”. Setting routines, schedules, meal plans etc can help you simplify your life, so that you don’t waste all your time and capacity making decisions.
That way, you get to spend more time dedicated to the things that matter the most!
-
Boundaries
One mistake lots of women make and that stands between them and Flow is saying yes to and taking on too many things. I’m guilty of that, too!
As women we often pride ourselves on being able to multitask (a stereotype that society reinforces). This may be great for some things, but when it comes to Flow, immersion and high-quality work, multi-taskers have a big disadvantage.
If you’re having trouble in this department, read my Blog Post about Clarity and make sure you know your values, standards and priorities so that you can more easily decide on what to say yes and no to!
Surround yourself with the right people
Last but not least, let’s not forget to leverage the positive influence others can have on us! It’s time to build your new expat network deliberately and consciously.
Whatever your vision in life, look for people who share or can relate to it. Ideally, they’re on the same journey or a few steps ahead! This way, you can support and inspire each other.
What’s equally important is to distance yourself from people who are critical, judgemental or envious about what you set out to achieve. This will happen, because seeing YOU get better, happier, more fulfilled and successful, will trigger those who are not. Misery needs company, and so they might try to pull you down – putting doubts in your head or making you feel like you don’t have what it takes, or guilty for wanting more.
Such people are called energy vampires. And surrounding yourself with them and listening to them will NOT make you happy.
So look for your tribe of people who actually want to see you thrive and shine!
I want you to SHINE!
If you’d like to be inside a truly inspiring, supportive and loving container that will make it easy for you to continuously take inspired action, I would love to invite you to schedule a complimentary Clarity Session with me here!
Let’s explore what a fulfilled life would look like for you and how to get there.
One thing I already know for certain: That fulfilled life will look SO good on you! And you deserve it.
Taking Action: How can you create your best life abroad?
You’re in luck because this has been my obsession for years and it’s why I’ve created my signature “Success Clover” method.
It’s a revolutionary approach to goal-setting and goal-getting, because it focuses on:
- Figuring out what a fulfilling life looks like to you personally – and embracing it!
(instead of trying to live up to everyone else’s standards and losing yourself in the process)
- Stepping into your most authentic, best self and setting goals from your point of view
(no more dreaming and playing small)
- Gaining clarity and confidence to take the right action steps towards your enticing goals
(because it’s not about how hard you work but how effective you are!)
- Becoming your own biggest ally on this journey
(so that you can stay intrinsically motivated and overcome any challenges along the way)
… and all of it comes in a super supportive, loving and encouraging container
If you feel inspired to explore what your 10X life could look like, and how you could actually make it a reality, here’s what to do next:
by Camilla Quintana | Jan 24, 2023 | Blog
Feeling stuck and without motivation moving forward is something many expat women experience.
So often, I hear women blame a lack of confidence when they procrastinate or don’t progress on a goal or project.
With some gentle guidance and thought-provoking questions through coaching, they realize confidence is the secondary issue. The real problem is lacking clarity on:
- What they want to do
- Why they want to do it
- How they can do it
Clarity leads to Confidence, and Confidence leads to Inspired Action.
If you’ve been following me for a while you’ll have heard me say this repeatedly.
Confidence and direction tend to be the natural consequence of having very clear answers to the above questions. And when you do, taking inspired action becomes almost inevitable.
What is getting in the way of your clarity?
Many global women I coach feel like they’ve lost sight of what truly fulfills them in life. They might say: “I have a good life… but something is missing. I’m just not 100% sure what it is and how to change that”.
If you feel that way, know you’re not the only one – and I got you:
There are several reasons why you may struggle to really pinpoint your goals and your unique vision, or your path to getting there especially as an expat woman:
1. The demands of daily life keep you distracted
And nowadays, there are so many! From work to parenting, housekeeping and organizing to non-stop pop-ups and alerts on your phone, wanting your immediate attention. For expat women, building a new life and career abroad can add to the load.
Don’t get me started on all those ‘little extra responsibilities’ (that take up way more time than expected), like being on your kids’ school board, collaborating with a local charity, throwing a welcome dinner for that new family in town, taking courses etc etc etc….
We tend to prioritize the seemingly urgent things over things that really matter in the long run. Can you relate?
2. You’re very tuned in to what others need and expect from you
This is a common challenge experienced by foreigners, as they try to navigate the different demands of their local and home culture and live between two worlds as an expat.
It’s also the story of every mom’s / caretaker’s life – quickly leading them to feel guilty when they dare to put themselves first.
Focusing outward makes it harder to connect within, with your ‘inner happy place’ (as I like to call it), your inner truth and guidance system. It will also add layers of coulds, shoulds and musts on top of what you really want in life.
3. Maybe you’re – like me – a multi-passionate person, with many different (seemingly unrelated) interests and experiences
If you’re feeling stuck, it might be because you’ve been led to believe that you don’t have a real ‘zone of genius’ when actually, you have different ones, waiting to be tapped into and connected in original ways! Multi-passionate people are amazingly adaptive, but having so many interests and skills can also be distracting.
4. The unique demands of being an expat wife / expat mom / expat woman
Some of the struggles of being an expat woman also cause lack of clarity when it comes to your own goals. Navigating different cultures, customs and lifestyles; communicating in a language that’s not your mother tongue; the challenges of building a network and friends in a new country or even simple homesickness and loneliness many expats experience, can all cloud your clarity and inspiration for moving your life forward.
So what can you do about this? Many years of experience working with expat women wanting to figure this out, as well as doing so myself, has provided a simple, yet life-changing answer:
Start with the end in mind
If you’re an expat woman feeling stuck, lost unclear, uninspired, unmotivated or a lack of joy in what you do….
… this is likely because you are not clear of or have lost sight of your long-term vision.
When your life is filled and ignited with meaning and you’re clear of your life’s purpose – then everything you experience will be like one puzzle piece of a beautiful, colorful and unique picture!
If you frequently move, especially as an expat partner, it can be tempting to think of your life in terms of assignments. 3 years here, 4 years there… but what happens when you relocate again, or you move back home? Will you have to start all over again from scratch?
Or will you be able to say that whatever you did while abroad was done consciously and is another puzzle piece of the big picture you’re creating?
Even if you move around frequently, remember that each experience should be a different chapter of the SAME book.
And when this is the case, you’ll notice that you will:
- experience more meaning & joy in your day to day life
- have a North Star to guide you along your journey
- be able to overcome (even overlook) obstacles in the short term thanks to the perspective of your long-term vision
- know what decisions to take and what choices to make (the ones most aligned with your vision)
For more tips, tools and guidance specifically designed for expat women, check out The Empowered Expat Woman Podcast on your favorite platform!
Listen on: iTunes │Spotify │Stitcher│Audible
How to craft your unique, long-term vision for your Expat Life
Step 1: Get to know yourself really, really well
Do you know what your most important values are that inform your every action, opinion and decision?
Or what your inner motivators are, that will make it easy for you to do whatever it takes – not because you have to but because you want to.
What are your preferred states of being? How do you want to show up and what do you want to transmit and embody?
In my Coaching practice, I show my clients how to develop their 5-step Purpose Manifesto, to explore and define all of the above and more.
Step 2: Reflect on the following questions
- When I look back at my life in old age, what do I want to have achieved?
- How would I like to be remembered when I’m gone?
- What makes me unique? What can I do really well or in my own special way?
- How will my life, my presence, and my accomplishments, make this world a better place?
I encourage you to write down the answers to these questions and to verbally process them with someone. Thoughts can be fleeting, but there’s so much power in writing them down or speaking them out.
Also, it will give you the chance to look back on your notes in the future and remember your previous insights. Though the essence of your big vision will most probably stay the same, you might alter and add to it. That’s okay, your vision is supposed to be alive, to grow with you and take on even more detailed forms.
The last question is particularly important and often overlooked.
In my experience with many expat women, we are more likely to meet (and fight for) goals that are ‘bigger than ourselves’. If you can clearly see how your goals will improve not only your own quality of life, but also that of your loved ones, your community, humanity as a whole… you have a powerful motivator and driving force to draw energy and resources from!
Furthermore, you can more easily overcome any self-doubt that may otherwise hold you back – after all, this isn’t just about YOU but about the positive ripple effect you want to create!
When you know which way you’re headed, you will figure everything else out.
As I like to say: A woman with a vision is a woman on a mission and SHE is unstoppable!
Break your vision down into achievable goals
Having a vision will give you a sense of meaning, purpose and direction. But if you don’t act on it, you won’t be able to bring this beautiful vision to life.
What you need now is clarity about what steps you need to take.
There are different ways to do that, which I talk about in more detail in my blog post about Inspired Action. But for now, I want to invite you to think about your 3 year plan. The reason is that
- This will allow you to dream bigger than you would if the timeframe was e.g. 1 year (leading to bigger and better ideas!)
- Things can take more time than flashy adverts may promise. 3 years gives you time to really grow into the new reality you are creating in a profound and sustainable way.
- As expat women, we know that ‘stuff’ can come between us and our goals – think relocations; the aggravating limbo of not knowing whether you’ll move or when; having to adapt to a new country (and help your kids to do the same); dealing with pregnancy/maternity in a foreign country etc.
What’s important to know is that we can achieve big goals in spite of such life-changing events! And a 3 year plan will create enough space to experience them, without burning us out in the process.
Where would you love to be in 3 years time? What will your life look like? What will be different about you as you’ve accomplished certain goals?
What to do if you get stuck in the process
Some women can quickly craft their long-term vision and may just need some support and guidance to follow through.
But maybe, the above reflections bring up a few question marks for you. If that’s the case let me tell you this: not knowing and accepting that is a GREAT starting point!
Because when we don’t know we’re more open, curious and inquisitive. And whenever we are, our brain will actively search for responses and opportunities.
Let me share some things that you can do if you find yourself in a place of not knowing or simply not being 100% sure of what you do know.
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Frequently check in with yourself and ask yourself: How do I feel about this? What do I think about this?
You’d be surprised about how many things you do on autopilot out of a disconnect with yourself. It’s those times you say yes when you mean no. It’s those times when you eat something you don’t really crave. Those times you say something because you think it’s what you’re supposed to say but you don’t really mean it and the list goes on.
Clearly, this will have an effect on your clarity about your likes, dislikes, values and plans for the future. That’s why it’s so important to learn to listen to yourself again, to your intuition and inner wisdom. You’ll achieve this by giving yourself more attention and consideration.
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Reflect on the current or past activities that fill you with excitement, joy, pride and energy
These are really good indicators of what you’re meant to be doing more of.
What do they have in common? It may not be about the activity per se, but about a certain element about it, a feeling you get, or the way in which you’re doing it.
We have so many shoulds and musts and cant’s in our lives, obligations, responsibilities and to-do lists. But creating and going after your long-term vision requires making YOU a priority. It will require you to take good care of yourself, your mind, body and soul. To set healthy boundaries and protect your energy. And when you do, I firmly believe that it will not only be to your own benefit, but also to everyone you love!
As an expat mom, I know very well that there are times when making ourselves a priority isn’t possible. But you can do the next best thing:
- Acknowledge and honor what you feel (e.g. exhaustion) and what it is you would need in this very moment.
- Make a mental note and intend to give this to yourself after dealing with the current crisis.
- Start an inner dialogue about what you could do to make the things that drain you a little better. Could you make this task a little simpler or more effective? Could you delegate some things? Skip them from time to time? Say no next time?
You won’t be able to always make yourself a priority, but making a conscious effort to do so whenever possible goes a long way!
When in doubt, trust your inner knowing
In our quest for clarity, it can be difficult to differentiate between what feels right because of conditioning (by society, culture, peers etc), versus what your inner knowing tells you to be true for you.
The antidote to this confusion is to pay attention to the feeling behind it.
There are things that I subconsciously believe I should do. But when I vividly imagine myself doing them, I may feel ‘euphoric with tension’ (“It’s gotta be this way! I need to achieve this!”).
Other times I notice that the thought of it doesn’t actually feel very good. It might even provoke some anxiety or stress.
When there is a deep inner knowing about something, I can notice a steady feeling of calm. There usually aren’t any big emotions. It’s more like a smile and nod from within, encouraging me to do that thing.
Peace of mind and an ambience of calm can help you tap into this feeling of inner knowing. Try meditating on it, taking a walk in nature, practicing Yoga or any activity that decelerates your life and allows you to hear your thoughts.
When in doubt, look for that calm inner knowing.
Take Action: How can you get clarity on creating your best life abroad?
Have you been feeling stuck as an expat woman? You’re in luck because solving this problem has been my obsession for years and it’s why I’ve created my signature “Success Clover” method.
It’s a revolutionary approach to upleveling your crossborder life, because it focuses on
- Figuring out what a fulfilling life looks like to you personally – and embracing it!
(instead of trying to live up to everyone else’s standards and losing yourself in the process)
- Stepping into your most authentic, best self and setting goals from her point of view
(no more dreaming and playing small)
- Gaining clarity and confidence to take the right action steps towards your goals
(because it’s not about how hard you work but how effective you are!)
- Becoming your own biggest ally on this journey
(so that you can stay intrinsically motivated and overcome any challenges along the way)
… and all of it comes in a super supportive, loving and encouraging container!
If you feel inspired to explore how getting crystal clear on what it is you want and why it could completely change the course of your life, here’s what to do next:
by Camilla Quintana | Jan 24, 2023 | Blog
The Expat Woman’s Struggles
Every woman living abroad may struggle with various aspects of her new life, from feelings of expat loneliness to launching a successful expat career in a foreign country. If you’re here, it’s likely that you have encountered challenges related to living abroad that you may not have previously considered. Expat career coaching can help you overcome these obstacles and thrive in your new home.
I consider myself lucky because as an Empowerment Coach for Expat Women I get to connect with and support wonderful souls from around the world.
This gives me insight into the struggles global women experience in their expat lives (*sigh of relief* you and I are not the only ones! 😉 )
One of the most common stories I hear from expat women like you is this: while they’ve achieved so much and have a pretty good life – something is missing. They feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied. They want more.
Sometimes, the expat women I speak to know exactly what they want to achieve or experience – but they’re not sure how to get there. Or they may feel guilty for wanting more.
Other times, they’re unsure of what’s missing. If that feeling has lingered for some time, they find it hard to muster up the confidence, motivation, and self-trust to start making changes.
Do you recognize yourself in these common struggles faced by women who move abroad?
That’s okay. And I’m here to help.
Start by acknowledging your efforts & sacrifices to move abroad
No doubt, moving abroad is exciting, adventurous, and inspiring – but it also implies having to make sacrifices, such as:
- Leaving your native language and culture behind, having to learn and adapt to new ones as a foreigner in a new country
- Taking a step back professionally and lacking a network to rebuild your career in a new country
- Missing your family and childhood friends, while also seeking to belong in your host country
- Raising your children with a reduced support system and in a cross-cultural context
- Always making that extra effort, just to keep up
The truth is, living abroad can be quite overwhelming and complex.
But as expat women we’re so used to ‘functioning’, we don’t tend to give ourselves enough credit for everything we’re doing! (At this point, let me virtually pat your back, because you’re pretty courageous and outstanding!)
Falling Into The Comparison Trap As An Expat
They say comparison is the thief of joy and I’m sure you, too, have experienced how comparison can affect your self-esteem in a new culture just like I have.
On the one hand, you compare yourself to your friends back home. You see their steady lives, pursuing goals you’d always been taught were worth pursuing, continuing the life you could have lived had you not moved abroad…. Just that they’re actually living it!
But you also compare yourself to your new, local friends and are conscious of what’s expected from you in your host country as you try to navigate the cultural differences as an expat. If you try to live up to the local, cultural expectations, you are likely to fall short because your background and past have shaped your values, views and character differently.
The reason you’re so tempted to compare yourself to others is because of one fundamental error of thought:
You’ve forgotten how unique you are as a human-being and that other people’s solutions are never the answer to YOUR issues, anyway.
Leverage your uniqueness
Think about it: the fact that you are here on Earth is actually a miracle! I recently read an article that the probability of you being conceived is estimated to be about 1 in 400 quadrillion (wow!).
There has never been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. Each and everyone of us has one clear purpose: to live life as the most authentic expression of ourselves.
And yet, we’re often unkind to ourselves by pushing ourselves to live up to standards that aren’t our own or putting other people on a pedestal instead of letting our own vision and standards guide us.
It’s time to remind yourself that you matter for who you are, not for what you’ve done so far or how well you fit in. Your unique gifts and quirks have their place here on Earth.
Your dreams and aspirations matter. And they’re here to guide you home, towards fulfilling your purpose of being that most authentic expression of yourself and loving every minute of it!
The 10x Rule to achieve your goals as a Global Woman
What would your life look like if you fully embraced your unique value and purpose?
You’d have much higher standards and aspirations for yourself!
I recently read the book “The 10X Rule” by Grant Cardone that talks about an interesting concept I have begun leveraging to achieve my goals
The 10X Rule suggests that:
1) Set goals for yourself that are 10X greater than what you currently have in mind
2) Take inspired action that is 10X more massive and impactful than what you think is necessary to achieve these goals.
I don’t know about you, but I was raised to be humble, not too bold, and never boastful. So these questions seemed pretty outrageous to me at first! And yet, I could literally feel the dopamine rush as my mind – finally free to go to these wild, 10x places – started envisioning everything I could do, desire and achieve if I didn’t hold myself back!
I invite you to give it a try:
- Close your eyes, and think of your current list of goals and aspirations.
- Now, turn up the volume and intensity of them by 10. Got it?
- What do your new goals look like?
- How does it feel to achieve them?
Now let’s take action to achieve your 10X goals!
- What would it take to get to your goals? Think of a few action steps that could take you there…
- Now, turn up the volume and intensity again by 10.
- What action steps would you now dare to take?
Take out a notepad and write down your insights! Allow them to take shape and form over the next few days. ENJOY getting a glimpse into your 10X Expat life!
It’s safe for you to want more as an Expat Woman
As women, we have been conditioned for generations (10,000 years of patriarchy) to not stand out, know our place, and put others first.
Our female ancestors rarely had any choice but to obey these rules in order to be safe and secure.
Their collective experiences are passed on to the next generations through Epigenetics and can help to explain why modern, empowered women still struggle with the same issues like:
- standing out
- voicing their honest opinions
- asking for more money / investments
- putting themselves first r
- deciding against traditional female tasks and traits
No matter what is holding you back from living a 10X expat life, the very first thing you must do to get there is to give yourself permission to want more.
Trust your intuition that tells you that there’s got to be more out there for you.
Pay attention to the times you feel a sting of admiration or envy, because it shows you what you, too, are craving.
And forgive yourself for any failed attempts, wasted opportunities and detours. After all, miracles (which we established you are) aren’t logical and predictable 😉 They often appear in the least expected ways and moments.
This is a process that you can simply initiate by:
- becoming aware of it (mindfulness or meditative breaks of some sort can help you)
- repeating the affirmation “It’s safe for me to want more”
- granting yourself the audacity to day-dream about your 10X Expat life.
By doing so continuously you will calm your brain’s limbic system and establish trust in yourself – which is a prerequisite to moving forward.
Ask better questions to get better results
I know from my experience coaching Expat Women on these matters, that every high that’s achieved by daring to dream and play bigger, may be followed by a low.
This is especially true if you let too much time pass between impulse and action, giving your brain time to start doubting your decision or goal.
Don’t you worry though, this is a natural part of outgrowing your old self and stepping into the next best version of you.
It may feel like a step back, but remember: there’s no unknowing what you’ve come to know and no un-dreaming of what you’ve set your mind to. You’re on an upwards trend, and you can overcome the obstacles on your journey!
When you notice yourself falling into a lower state of mind, you may start asking questions that don’t actually serve you such as:
- “Why can’t I achieve this?”
- “Why does this always happen to me?”
- “Why does this need to be so hard?”
Some better and more empowering questions to ask yourself would be:
- “What 3 things can I do right now (or stop doing) that would help me achieve this?”
- “How can I ensure that this doesn’t happen to me again?”
- “What can I do to make this process more smooth and enjoyable”?
I invite you to get into the habit of asking yourself really good questions, because they will significantly improve your wellbeing, as well as your results!
What are some questions you often ask yourself that keep you stuck and make you feel worse?
How else could you phrase them to open yourself up to new resources and opportunities?
The importance of setting yourself up for success
All too often I see women – including myself – take on way too many projects, say ‘yes’ to too many things and pursue goals that don’t really light them up.
This tendency seems even more common in Expat Women, perhaps due to the comparison game mentioned earlier!
Whenever that happens, you may notice that you end up feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, and drained – which clearly isn’t setting yourself up for success! And when you consequently don’t achieve these goals, you start doubting yourself.
It can turn into self doubt and unhelpful thoughts that maybe you weren’t capable enough, you weren’t smart enough, maybe you weren’t hard-working enough, or maybe there’s something wrong with you?
With that eroded trust in yourself and in your capabilities, you will likely find it more and more difficult to see projects through, or to even get started. And that’s such a waste of your potential!
The antidote to this self-doubt is simple: CULTIVATE SELF TRUST.
And luckily, this is something you can foster and nurture yourself, by:
- Being more true to yourself – which includes choosing your goals more wisely and consciously
- Learning how to intrinsically motivate yourself so that you can actually finish what you started
- Keeping the promises you make to yourself, not letting yourself down
- Treating yourself with kindness, respect, and love
All of this and more is something I work on intensely with my clients, with the help of empowering tools and spirit-lifting exercises.
Listen to these episodes of The Empowered Expat Woman Podcast for more tips on strengthening the trust you have in yourself:
One simple practice that I recommend you start right away is:
Gratitude for self-compassion as an expat
There’s a real magic to acknowledging and appreciating things in your life on a regular basis – and that magic is actually scientifically proven.
Positive Psychologists have found that by fostering positive emotions such as gratitude has sustainable and significant healing effects on the mind and body.
Dr. David Hawkins, who was a pioneer in consciousness research, was able to assign an energetic frequency to our emotions and Gratitude is among the highest calibrating ones.
When you feel deeply grateful, your personal energetic frequency is highly elevated. You can’t be grateful and grumpy at the same time, it doesn’t work (feel free to try!)
There will be days and times where gratitude comes easily. In that case, don’t forget to pause and dwell in that feeling for a little bit.
But sometimes, life may seem so grim that you have a hard time feeling thankful. Rest assured that it’s not about the magnitude of your gratitude, but about the authenticity of it. It’s okay to be thankful for “feeling a little better than yesterday” (even if you’re still feeling bad). Or simply for the sky, a beautiful cloud, a delicious meal.
Stepping outside your comfort zone – again!
Sometimes, we’ll get into a dull state of mind simply because we’ve grown too comfortable. Human beings have an innate need to experience novelty and a good challenge, and being an expat is a great example of that!
Continuously stepping outside your comfort zone can not only meet that need, but is also a great way to foster trust in yourself, while at the same time taking you closer to your 10X life!
It doesn’t have to be via massive action, it could simply be by pushing yourself just one or two steps further. Kind of like when you’re at the gym and your legs hurt from doing squats? By doing just two more than you thought you could handle, your muscles will expand and you will gradually become stronger.
You will also develop a greater trust in your body to handle just a little more, because you’re proving it to yourself every time you hit the gym. Seeing the results will motivate you to continue.
The same holds true for your mind and what you believe yourself capable of achieving in life.
You may have heard of the 1% Rule that states that just by increasing your efforts or the time spent in a given activity by 1%, we are able to create significant and sustainable changes in the long run. Plus, there’s a compound effect that will even accelerate that process naturally!
So let me ask you: On your way to your 10x life…. where can you commit to gradually stepping out of your comfort zone by just 1% to reach your goals?
What would that look like, exactly?
Jot down a few 1% changes in your journal and choose one that you want to commit to today. Then, promise yourself you’ll follow through and don’t let yourself down, because remember:
The trust in yourself is your most powerful currency!
Taking Action: How can you create your best life abroad?
You’re in luck because this has been my obsession for years and it’s why I’ve created my signature “Success Clover” method.
It’s a revolutionary approach to goal-setting and goal-getting, because it focuses on:
- Figuring out what a fulfilling life looks like to you personally – and embracing it!
(instead of trying to live up to everyone else’s standards and losing yourself in the process)
- Stepping into your most authentic, best self and setting goals from your point of view
(no more dreaming and playing small)
- Gaining clarity and confidence to take the right action steps towards your enticing goals
(because it’s not about how hard you work but how effective you are!)
- Becoming your own biggest ally on this journey
(so that you can stay intrinsically motivated and overcome any challenges along the way)
… and all of it comes in a super supportive, loving and encouraging container
If you feel inspired to explore what your 10X life could look like, and how you could actually make it a reality, here’s what to do next:
