Expat Couples: Bring Back The Spark In Your Relationship!

Expat Couples often experience a shift in the dynamic of their relationship when they move to a new country.

No matter whether you and your beau are more like Ross & Rachel in Season 2 or in Season 3 – the following nuggets of relationship advice will help you to breath new life into your love story!

All easily applicable, these tools are aimed to introduce new perspectives you may not have seen before, as well as increase mutual understanding, closeness and trust – 3 vital ingredients for any “happily ever after”!

The 5 Love Languages for Expat Couples

When you first met and fell in love you talked about all kinds of things… but did you ever pause to figure out:⠀

What makes you feel loved? ⠀
How do you show your love to your significant other? ⠀
What things can you do that will make your partner feel loved – the way (s)he prefers and understands it as a sign of love? ⠀
What things is your partner doing for you that mean “I love you”, even though you may not have interpreted them that way?⠀

Sometimes we feel like “we’re doing so much for the other and not getting enough back” – when quite possibly, we’re simply speaking in a different ‘love language’ to one another, that both fail to properly understand.⠀

> Do you prefer to hear sweet words, get praise and positive feedback? Then your love language is probably Words of Affirmation.⠀

> Do you feel loved when your partner helps you out and takes care of things for you or the family? Then Acts of Service is the way to your heart!

> Do you enjoy receiving thoughtful Gifts – material but also otherwise? Then that’s your love language.⠀

> Or does nothing say “I love you” to you like undevided attention, like a romantic dinner a deux – phones off! Then Quality Time is your thing.⠀
> Maybe you need affection to feel loved: hugs, kisses, cuddles, you name it… Then you’ll feel loved through Physical Touch.

And what about your significant other? Figuring out what each other’s love languages are will allow you to “love each other the right way”.

How Expat Couples Can Strengthen The Bond

So often, Expat Couples can get stuck on certain pain points, unpleasant and recurring triggers or arguments. But by focusing on them so passionately, you’re directing our energy towards what’s not working and become even more stuck with what you don’t want.⠀
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What if instead, you focused on what IS working, and on improving these areas even more? On doing enjoyable activities together more frequently and in a more special way? ⠀
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When you work on increasing closeness, trust and intimacy with your partner⠀

certain knots in your relationship will miraculously disappear ⠀
others will become less of a deal, they’ll become “that annoying little thing” you’ll just accept as part of an overall strong relationship⠀
in the case of some other challenges you’ll now have created a solid basis and fertile ground for a constructive and respectful discussion about them ⠀
and if there’s still a big knot left that you weren’t able to undo or loosen, then maybe you can now find it in your hearts to “respectfully agree to disagree” ⠀

Emotional Bids

Everything you say to another person is an invitation to connect – sometimes it’ll be obvious (‘I’d love to take a trip!”) but other times it won’t be (“You never listen to me!”) ⠀
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You can return a bid by getting involved (“Oh really, where to?”), making a pleasant remark (“That would be nice!”) or block them by either cutting the conversation off (“Yeah right, like we could afford it right now!”) or by ignoring the offer (not looking up, not reacting). ⠀
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At Gottman’s “love lab” it was discovered that happy couples had a 5:1 ratio of returning bids : blocking them. ⠀
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Thinking of anything that comes out of your significant other’s mouth as an invitation to connect is a powerful reframe to whatever they may say! Can you try and return it, even though it’s a disguised or hidden bid?

Camilla’s Counter-Thought for Relationships

You know how deeply pleasurable it can be to blame someone else for an upsetting situation? To jump into the soft and comfortable saddle of your high horse and gallop away? ?? Well, I’m about to take that feeling away from you forever with my “counter-thought“ mind hack.

I wrote about this on my blog a year ago, as it’s a tool I used on myself to mentally prepare for my last move: it consists of thinking an opposite thought in order to break your negative thought patterns, increase your resilience and resourcefulness and help you see new aspects you hadn’t seen before in order to come up with new solutions.

But you can also use this in your relationship to question your story and forever say ‘adiós’ to your own excuses and victim mode! Let me give you an example:

Thought: He doesn’t care about me!
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Counter-thought 1: He really cares about me!
(Think about how he shows you that he does. Maybe his way of caring looks different to what you have in mind?)
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Counter-thought 2: I don’t care about him. (Contemplate on how you don’t, when you didn’t or why he could feel that you don’t)
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Counter-thought 3: I don’t care about myself. (How is this true? Are you leading by example of what it means to care for you? Do you know and honor your boundaries?)

This will require some practice but when you get into the habit of doing this, your brain will start creating new neural connections and patterns. Counter-thinking will soon become your go-to reaction, opening doors to new possibilities (thoughts, stories and solutions)!

As for me? I stopped being able to bask in the “I’m so right and you’re so wrong” glory a long time ago! Sometimes that sucks. Most times it makes me feel empowered, liberated, more empathic and optimistic!
Because there’s always, always a different side to every story!

And last but definitely not least:

The “I” in Relationship

This has been the biggest revelation in my relationship. We’re usually so focused on the US that we totally underestimate the power of the “I” in relationship! ⠀
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Why that is? Well, in part due to lots of conditioning (thanks Hollywood!) and “wrong-mantic” ideas of what a long-term love story should look like. ⠀
But also, because placing the focus on ourselves requires us to take full responsibility of our own thoughts and actions, and as I established above: that can get pretty uncomfortable!⠀
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But ⠀
✅ when you make the choice to detox from playing the blame game, the “yes, but….” and the “he started it!” ⠀
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✅ when you stop looking at what the other one’s doing or not doing and start focusing on what YOU are doing⠀
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✅ and when you shift your behavior and actions, even if just a little…⠀
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… you’ll provoke a DOMINO-like chain reaction in your relationship, and yes, that’s DOMINO in capital letters!⠀
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Being intentional about the way you show up and how you can do so in the best way will go a long way. These questions can help you get started:⠀

Who do I want to be in this relationship?
What do I need to be my best self?
What triggers me and brings out a worse side of me?

The Multicultural Couple’s Checklist

I hope you’ll give these 5 tools a try – positive results guaranteed!

PS: Have you already downloaded my Multicultural Couple’s Checklist? It’s your best guide to turning differences into strengths and to creating a beautifully, blended family culture. You won’t wanna miss out on this one!