Feeling Unsupported As An Expat Woman? Read this!

I recently found myself in a room with very inspiring people. Corporate CEOs, Doctors, bestselling authors – you name it.

We were all asked to say a few words about ourselves and topic of expertise. And as I listened to break-through research in Cancer treatments, economic trends and so forth, I noticed an uneasy feeling creeping up inside of me.

“What on Earth am I gonna share with these people that would be of relevance to them??” the voice of fear fretted.

Immediately after thinking that, I noticed a different voice speak up in my head. And it was basically giving me a pep talk.

My inner voice said “Don’t worry Camilla, you have a lot to say, you have great accomplishments and above all you have your unique perspective to share!”

Being reassured and uplifted that way by myself felt like the warmest hug.

Not only did it make me feel confident and courageous enough to speak, I also knew that no matter what happened, even if I were to make the biggest fool of myself, I still had my own back.

I ended up talking about the importance of becoming your own biggest ally – something most people have yet to master, no matter how successful they may seem to be.

I know from experience that when you get to that place, you’ll be able to handle any challenge. You’ll also make living with yourself a much more enjoyable and inspiring experience!

The Essence of a Fulfilled Expat Life

If I had to name the single biggest game-changer in my own Expat Life it’d be this:

Being my own biggest ally on the journey of being an expat.

You see, as Global Women, we go through so many ups and downs, changes and uncertainty. It’s important to become your own safe haven that you can return to when the storm hits and rocks your boat.

As an expat, no matter whether you’re partnered or single, you’ll have moments of loneliness, sadness and frustration as you’re navigating life overseas.

To get through thisou’ll need to become your own biggest support system, ready to lovingly comfort yourself when there’s no one else to do it for you.

Sometimes, us Expat Women and Expat Moms have to work extra hard. We are faced with the challenges of raising multicultural kids or asserting ourselves in a foreign workplace, in a different language and context.

But you can learn to become your own power plug, to be able to replenish and recharge when you’ve reached that point of exhaustion.

There will be crossroads that others will have difficulty relating to. Think: “Should I move back home??”, “Will my kids handle another relocation?” or “Should I start a business abroad without knowing how long I’ll be here for?”

In these tricky moments where others’ advice likely falls short, you need to become your own most trusted advisor who safeguards your wellbeing, core values and authenticity.

Being able to fully trust yourself to stand by your side, no matter what, is the essence of a fulfilled and successful life – abroad and anywhere.

Why Many Women Struggle with Self-Love

Something I’ve noticed in years of coaching women and expat women in particular, is that we’re especially prone to suffer from Impostor Syndrome.

We tend to have a very vocal Inner Critic, and often battle with insecurity.

(Click here to listen to “How To Effectively Deal With Your Inner Critic & Co” on The Empowered Expat Wife Podcast)

While there’s a myriad of reasons why this may be the case, I quickly want to mention one: and it’s that throughout 10,000 years of Patriarchy, women have been both marginalized and idealized.

We’ve been an object of admiration but also of critical evaluation by men and through the male lens – which could easily set us up for failure.

There’s fascinating research about this phenomenon, and also about how these female experiences have been passed on to us epigenetically by our ancestors. I think this gives us valuable insight into where our deep rooted fears about worthiness come from.

And yet, the wellbeing of women is crucial for the wellbeing of the world. We see that play out on a smaller scale within a family and community where women are often the backbone. And you know where your wellbeing starts?

It starts by feeling completely safe, loved, nurtured and accepted no matter what BY YOURSELF.

Isn’t it funny that we tend to have very clear ideas of what we’d want our romantic partner to be like. We know what we’d want them to say and do, how they should treat us… But when it comes to ourselves we quickly throw those ideals out the window.

You need to be radically loving in your relationship with yourself, because it’s the single most important one you’ll ever have.

You’re the only one who’ll be with you always and no matter what, from the time you’re born until the moment you die.

Even if many of your other relationships feel more important to you, the way you relate to yourself will be absolutely decisive in how fulfilling and healthy your relationships with others will be.

A little bit of self-love is a good start. But radical self-love will improve the quality of all areas of your life like nothing else!

Ambition meets Radical Self-Love

Many of my clients are women planning to start their own business abroad, or expat entrepreneurs wanting to reach the next level. Other coaching clients have a big goal or heart project in mind they want to accomplish.

Without a doubt, they are ambitious global women, ready to push themselves to get ahead.

I think ambition is key – as long as it’s paired with a dose of radical self love. As a self-love and empowerment coach, I understand the importance of balancing ambition with radical self-love.

But bear in mind that the radically most loving things you can do for yourself aren’t necessarily the “very best” things for your business or career as an expat (because that would be ambition again).

Instead it can mean:

Accepting your flaws – without wanting to forcefully change them
Admitting “I’m really struggling with this situation” – without shame and guilt
Or to say “I tried my best. Next time it will work out better” – and leave it at that

Radical Self-Love is a fearless YES, I DO you say to yourself, to your worthiness, your right to exist and your innate dignity.

Click here to listen to “Starting A Love Affair Abroad (8 Steps to Radical Self Love)” on The Empowered Expat Woman Podcast

From Negative to Constructive Self-Talk

The way you talk to yourself is an important symptom of the state of the relationship you have with yourself!

One of my clients recently shared snippets of her self-talk with me. It was harsh and critical, and she blamed herself for everything that didn’t go perfectly in her work and family – even things she rationally knew she had nothing to do with.

As a consequence, she didn’t feel safe in her own mind, and was constantly alert, anxious to drop the ball or to let anyone down.

It’s not easy to transform long ingrained patterns, and I knew that by suggesting she should I would add extra pressure on her, leaving her feeling like a failure – again.

After two hours of Coaching-magic that brought much relief, I asked her to do a simple trick:

Become aware of and pay attention to negative self talk every time it occurred
Add a kind statement after each unkind thought

This could sound something like this: “Man, I really messed up that project! That client will never work with me again…. But I’m proud of how hard I worked on it nevertheless.”

“I really made a fool of myself at that party…. But I looked good in that new dress!”

If you’re having a really hard time coming up with a kind thought in a given situation, try thinking about what a loved one might say to you in that moment.

By offering an alternative, positive statement to your brain, you create new neural pathways and habits. After a little time it will become easier and easier to think of and believe in those after-thoughts. And soon, you’ll be able to replace your negative self-talk with neutral or positive thoughts, more and more often.

Identifying Your Inner Saboteurs

You are likely familiar with the terms ‘Inner Critic’ and ‘Impostor Syndrome’.

But did you know there are actually plenty of other ‘inner voices’ operating under the radar? By failing to identify them, you run the risk of not even noticing them and becoming enmeshed with their message.

So which inner voice typically sabotages you and your efforts?

Maybe it’s an inner worrier, a pessimist, a no-can’t-do kind of voice.
Or an inner complainer, that points out everything you don’t like, what you shouldn’t have to do and put up with.
It could be your inner slug you hear a lot, the one that tells you it’s okay not to try harder, not to take on another task and not to go to the gym.

Let me tell you my own story: I always thought I had my inner critic in check. There was so much focus on that particular inner voice, it was all I’d ever heard and thought about.

Until one day (between an important work-related deadline, my kids and a big dinner party), I realized that there was a different voice getting too much air-time in my mind.

I now call it my ‘little over-achiever’. The one that shows up when things are getting too much, when I start running out of strength, resources, time… and goes: ‘come on Camilla, you can do this. Say yes to yet another thing. You know you can give a little more, push through it? You’ve done it so many times, just do it again.’

Sometimes that voice will even flatter me in a manipulative way, and say something like “You know you can do it faster or better anyway” or “You’ll feel so good after you’ve accomplished this”.

Because of the way my inner overachiever speaks to me, I didn’t detect that it was actually a voice that could harm me or do me a disservice.

Can you relate? Here’s what I recommend to overcome the overachiever inner voice.

Step into Self-Leadership

Building a strong relationship with self, we spend most of our youth wanting to finally be our own boss – but when the time comes: are we actually doing a good job??

In essence, you’re the CEO of yourself and of your life and acting like the CEO of your life will lead you to achieve your Expat goals!

In order to successfully manage the most important entity you’ll ever know (a.k.a. YOU!), you’ll need some solid leadership skills in place!

Some leadership skills and tactics to be CEO of your life include:

Having a clear vision of what you want to achieve
A map of the best way to get there
Learning how to intrinsically motivate yourself in order to stay on track
Making really smart decisions – even the ‘unpopular’ ones
Remaining true to your core values, standards and mission
Creating a plan B if A doesn’t work out

And regarding those inner voices? A great CEO would call a Board Meeting and invite all of them to speak. After all, they all want to be helpful in their own way – they just sometimes fail at it.

But you don’t need to shut your inner voices down entirely. Just make sure your inner CEO skillfully knows how to moderate the conversation and passes the mic on to other, more constructive voices that may not have had the chance to voice their opinions.

So, when Inner Critic had made their point and the Overachiever added their 20 cents – it’s time to call Inner Cheerleader to the front, or to have Inner Optimist give a presentation!

Who is missing at your board table? Whose input are you not getting? Have your inner CEO hire those voices asap, to make your self-talk more empowering, diverse and constructive!

Need Help Finding or Strengthening Your Inner Positive Voices?

If you’ve struggled to identify any positive inner voices in the past, rest assured you aren’t alone. Sometimes it can be hard to identify and trust the positive voices in your head, because the negative voices are so loud.

That’s why managing your inner voices and becoming your own biggest ally is an integral part of my Success Clover Method – which helps expat women like you turn their dreams into reality.

It’s a revolutionary approach to goal-setting and goal-getting, because it focuses on

Figuring out what a fulfilling life looks like to you personally – and embracing it!
(instead of trying to live up to everyone else’s standards and losing yourself in the process)
Stepping into your most authentic, best self and setting goals from her point of view
(no more dreaming and playing small)
Gaining clarity and confidence to take the right action steps towards your goals
(because it’s not about how hard you work but how effective you are!)
Becoming your own biggest ally on this journey
(so that you can stay intrinsically motivated and overcome any challenges along the way)