“My life abroad feels empty”, “Something’s missing”, “I feel bored and uninspired, there’s gotta be more out there for me!”, I’ve heard so many of my clients say.Expat wives and partners who followed their significant others abroad for a corporate or diplomatic assignment are particularly affected. The relocation may have forced them to give up their career back home and to leave behind their friends, network and support system.
Abroad, they can experience a series of impediments to finding work, including⠀
a language barrier⠀
visa restrictions⠀
skills and diplomas not being transferable
lack of a support system for the children⠀
difficulty to combine a local office job with your international lifestyle and traveling (home)⠀
often, the time to be spent in the host country is limited to a few years (after which you’ll move to another destination and start from scratch) ⠀
Finding Meaning & Purpose Abroad
If your life abroad feels empty and uninspiring, you need to make it a priority to engage in meaningful activities!
I know that the first year in a new country tends to keep you busy with the move, paperwork, adaptating and settling in. For some expat women it seems to fly by, for others it’s a necessary ‘drag’ in order to come to terms with their new life at a new destination.
It’s often in the second year (and beyond) that unsettling thoughts start to surface:
❓What can I do in order to not feel empty, bored abroad? ❓What could provide a sense of purpose and meaning to me? ❓What could challenge me intellectually? ❓How can I build something for myself that will stay with me, despite multiple relocations?
Look for a sense of meaning
When these questions aren’t easily answered, you can start feeling empty and bored abroad.
Back home you had a job or career and opportunities. Seeing what your friends and colleagues there are up to now gives you a sting. You might keep busy throughout the day, but don’t go to bed feeling proud of what you’ve accomplished. Days go by and might even be hectic… but what did you really do?
Many of my expat wife clients also report not seeing eye to eye with their husbands (who have the high-powered job, the contract, the work permit, the income, the power…) The inequality can feel uncomfortable in a happy marriage, and unbearable in a strained one.
Finding meaning during your global lifestyle will look very different for each individual. There is no clear answer and solution and that’s the beauty of it. Remember: you’re a unique being on a unique path. There’s no one way to live a fulfilled life, but there is a way for you!
If you want to explore what’s missing, and how to make your life abroad more meaningful, satisfying and fulfilling I invite you to book a free consultation with me:
trust in your future abroad
Mindsets That Perpetuate You Feeling Empty Abroad
You often feel an initial excitement and momentum to find work, friends and activities in our host country. But after encountering the first challenges, your motivation and optimism can plummet. Watch out for these common mindset pitfalls:
1st Mindset Pitfall: Settling for less⠀
This is especially relevant if you’ve been living abroad for a while and are all settled in… but the meaning puzzle piece is still missing. It’s so easy to “keep busy” and convince yourself that you wouldn’t have time to look for something else anyway. But the difference between being busy and being fulfilled is abysmal! It affects your psychological and emotional wellbeing (and can even affect your physical wellbeing).
2nd Mindset Pitfall: Feeling discouraged ⠀
Maybe you looked and searched for things that could provide you with a sense of meaning but nothing has come up. You applied for jobs you didn’t get, and that community you tried to join was boring. As expat women, it can seem like you always need to make an extra effort and when even that doesn’t work, it’s easy to feel discouraged!
The good news is that meaning & purpose are not hiding somewhere waiting for you to find them. You can create them for and by yourself! ⠀
How? By actively and consciously engaging in activities that provide you with a sense of
accomplishment
joy
making a difference
autonomy
Look out for people who inspire you and who’re doing what you’d like to be doing. Surround yourself with people who encourage you. Network both offline and online.
The online world offers a world of opportunities to expat women: to take courses and acquire new skills; start your own business abroad, a blog or a community; you can find location-independent work…
So many of my clients have previously worked in a career they cannot pursue in their host country (think: lawyer). If that’s your case, it may seem like you’re doomed and that everything you could do would be settling for less. But is it really? Maybe opening yourself up to new possibilities and endeavors could grant just as much meaning to you! Identity is a fluid concept and should never hold you back from evolving. Be open to reinventing yourself if it serves you!⠀
No matter your academic and professional background, I encourage you to reflect on the following questions and keep an open mind while you answer them:⠀
❓What do you really, really like doing, even if you haven’t done it for a while?⠀ ❓What have you always wanted to do, but weren’t really able to do yet?⠀ ❓What elements / tasks are at the core of your previous profession? Could you find those in another job, too?
Does Your “Identity” Keep You Stuck Feeling Empty Abroad?
Did you know that your Identity is merely a story you’re telling yourself? Yes, really! It could be a success story, a romantic one, a hopeful or a hopeless one. But it’s just a story, either way. ⠀
We all are wired to jump to conclusions like that and to turn our fears and insecurities into a whole plot line. By constantly worrying about who we are, who we’d like to be or who we are expected or perceived to be, we’re actually building a cage around ourselves that not only makes it hard to break free, but also to even see beyond the bars!⠀
I want you to know that there are infinite possibilities out there. Infinite reframes to your story. Infinite sudden turns of events, forces majeurs, pleasant or unpleasant surprises that could change your story in a single instant.⠀
So think about yours and ask these 4 questions:⠀
1) What are the stories you tell yourself about why you can’t pursue your dreams? About why you can’t improve an unsatisfying situation?⠀
2) Can you absolutely know that your story is the full truth? (If the answer is ‘yes’, please think again ?) ⠀
3) If fear and money weren’t an issue, what kind of work / activities would you pursue that would give you a sense of meaning and purpose?
4) What’s holding you back from acting on question number 3?
If you can’t motivate yourself…
All of the above practical questions should have left you feeling inspired and motivated to reflect on and define your goals and to take determined action towards achieving them!
But if you’re still feeling hopeless and find it hard to motivate yourself or to get out of that rut, I want to talk to you about Boreout:
Boreout is a disorder caused by chronic underwhelm that leads to a persistent lack of motivation and interest, to frustration, lethargy and in some cases even depression. I’ve encountered these symptoms in several of my expat wife clients.
Boreout symptoms are often dismissed as ‘first world problems’ – which makes it particularly hard for certain expat and diplomatic wives who already feel ‘privileged’ (and fear complaining would make them seem ungrateful) to open up about them.
But feeling empty and underchallenged on a daily basis is deeply unsatisfying and can make you feel useless or worthless. It’s therefore important that you seek professional guidance.
Do you relate to these symptoms (or know someone who does?) Then book a complimentary 45-minute consultation with me, in which you’ll be able to verbally process what you’re going though, get my loving attention and professional guidance.
Connection and belonging are core human needs. But when we move to a different country and have to start from scratch, these needs are not immediately covered. Everyone can and will experience loneliness from time to time, but for expat women this is a particularly common struggle. Especially in the beginning, you’re left with the sometimes overwhelming taks to manage life in a new country, without a hand to hold, friends to confide in and with little emotional support.
Read on to understand what contributes to you feeling lonely abroad and how you can alleviate that unpleasant feeling!
Why Are You Feeling Lonely Abroad?
You might answer: “Simple – I don’t have any friends yet!” But let’s look a little closer:
There are 3 elements that make up loneliness:
Distincitveness: feeling different and separated from others creates a barrier between ‘you’ and ‘them’. It’s almost impossible to fully blend in as a foreigner, be it because of your looks, your accent or cultural conditioning.
Inadecuacy: many expats may feel a bit inadequate in their host country. Sometimes you can feel ‘less than’ the people in their host country (usually if you consider this country ‘more advanced’ than your own, or if there’s a cultural stereotype about your own country of heritage that affects you negatively); other times, a feeling of being ‘more privileged’ can make you feel uncomfortable and like you’re intruding. Both result in a sense of shame.
Fear of Rejection: because of our innate need for connection and acceptance, most humans grapple with a fear of rejection. Especially for expat women living abroad, you may feel helpless, needy and dependant on others. Navigating different cultures, rules and norms adds to that fear. Women who move abroad long-term often fear losing their identity or struggle with “What could have been?”. Whatever your fear is, it can stand in the way of making authentic connections and thus promotes you feeling lonely abroad.
Reflection Prompts:
Can you identify what role of these 3 elements play in your life abroad?
What exactly is perpetuating a sense of loneliness in you?
Think back of a time you felt particularly connected and like you belonged: Where were you? What did you do? What were you like? How exactly did you feel? Who else was there? What else can you notice about that moment? How could you invite all of these elements into your life today?
5 Antidotes to Feeling Lonely Abroad
1. Self Awareness:
The above reflection prompts can help you better understand what loneliness looks like for you in particular. What feeds it and what keeps you stuck in this feeling. This will provide valuable insights in what things you could change, what you could try and avoid, and what exactly is missing that you could add to you life.
2. Connecting With Others:
Humans are wired for connection. When you move to a foreign country, you’ll have to make a bit of an extra effort: be friendly and take genuine interest in people; give others the benefit of the doubt; say yes to plans; reach out to people; be a conversation starter; invite someone for a cup of coffee or a playdate; make someone a heartfelt compliment. Try and actively connect with someone each day.
Another great way to connect, especially for introverts who find it hard to take the first step, is by offering your help to someone. This could be at your kid’s school, by volunteering, collaborating at your member’s club, teaching your language or a skill of yours to someone… There’s always someone that you can help out and this will make you both feel connected.
Also, make sure to be nice to your neighbors and the people you see frequently, including waiters and store clerks. This may not necessarily lead to friendships but will make you feel connected. And what you feel within is not only what you show on the outside but also what you’ll likely attract more of!
In the words of Rupi Kaur: “Loneliness is a sign that you’re in desperate need for yourself”. Being your own best friend and your biggest ally becomes even more important when you move abroad and have to start from scratch in a new country.
It often feel like it’s me, myself and I – especially in the beginning of expat life – so how can you fill your own emotional bucket? How can you be kind, loving and nurturing to yourself? How can you treat yourself like you would treat a person you truly love and care for?
Your connection with yourself is a prerequisite for combatting loneliness and for living a fulfilled life. Why? Because sometimes we look outside for things, people, distractions to give you the love, approval and joy that we’re lacking inside. Therefore, there’s an aspect about loneliness that can be tackled from within.
If you invest in building a loving relationship with yourself, you won’t only make moments alone more bearable; self-love has a ripple effect outward, and other people will feel more drawn to be in your presence. You’ll also become a better friend when you treat others as well as you treat yourself.
Helping you to become your own biggest ally is one of my specialties. I invite you to listen to my podcast episodes:
Then schedule a complimentary consultation with me here:
4. Authenticity:
In order to develop a close relationships with yourself and others (and closeness is key in combatting loneliness!) you’ll need to truly get to know and dare to be yourself. If you don’t allow others to see your ‘true colors’, they can never love you for who you are and no matter what they do, you’ll never feel like you (your authentic self, that is) are truly seen and accepted. That’s why you can feel lonely even when surrounded by people you know.
5. Community:
This is similar to connection, but takes it a step further. I’ve found that – especially for sociable extroverts and people from a collectivist cultures, that is driven by relationships – being part of a community is what makes a place feel like ‘home’. Community creates belonging and belonging eradicates loneliness.
Can you join a community? There are expat clubs and associations, as well as interest groups in most cities.
If not, can you create one? (A client of mine started a book club in a remote area)
Could you volunteer? For a good cause, at your kid’s school, or at your expat club?
If you feel like you need extra support and guidance in establishing and maintaining meaningful relationships, consider seeking expat coaching services.
What has helped you to overcome feeling lonely abroad? Which of the above tips and tools have been most valuable to you?
Friendships and Community play a crucial role in combating loneliness and feeling well in your host country. Even more so if you’re naturally sociable and extrovert, or come´from collectivist cultures, that are driven by relationships.
“How do I make friends abroad?” is a question on every expat woman’s mind – even more so if you live in a place with few other foreigners.
I’ve had to start over in a new country / city / environment many times, so in this article I want to share my best tips for building your network abroad.
But first I want to quickly refer to
Cultural Differences When Looking For Friends Abroad
While it is true that some cultures will seem more open, welcoming and friendly to you than others, this doesn’t necessarily say anything about the quality of friendships you’ll make there. Our culture shapes the way we approach others, but we should refrain from labelling it as ‘better’ or ‘worse’.
In some cultures, there’s an ‘entrance barrier’ to new people. They may not be used to engaging or having small talk with strangers and that can make them seem shut off, even hostile to you. However, I’ve found that it’s often in these countries where very profound and long-lasting friendships are made. Friendships have an exclusive character, they need to get to know you first before considering you their friend. So don’t give up too quickly and don’t jump to conclusions about the locals.
In other countries you’ll immediately feel welcome and connected. Friendly banter with store clerks and random people on the street, smiling faces, even spontaneous party invites. This feels really good to the soul, for sure! But bear in mind that it doesn’t necessarily lead to closeness and intimacy either – both key elements in combatting loneliness.
The bottomline is: don’t jump to any conclusions. You can make good friends in every country and every culture. The way to meet and connect with others may differ, so stay curious and without judgement towards the local way of life.
Befriending Expats vs. Locals
This will of course greatly depend on where you’re based. If there is an expat community, you’ll probably find it easier to access and become a part of. On the other hand, people may come and go and you might have to say goodbye to some of the people dear to you. Sometimes, staying exclusively in an international circle can keep you from truly getting to know and understand your host country and culture.
Befriending locals – while definitely harder – also has clear benefits. It will help you to see a country and culture through their eyes, understand it better, and possibly like and appreciate it more. It can be enriching to adopt certain customs, to master the local language and get to know a different way of life from the inside.
I personally aim for a mix (which has been possible in the countries and cities I’ve lived in): in the beginning, I might feel that I have more in common with other expats and find it easier to connect with them. But my local friends have enriched my life and experience abroad tremendously. They have remained closer friends than my international ones, even after I moved away.
And now, here go:
My 7 favorite tips to make friends abroad
1. Be introduced
This is my personal favorite way to find friends abroad, and it’s worked for me very well: getting a friend or acquaintance to introduce you to people in your new country can grant you access to a community of potentially like-minded people that will not see you as a complete stranger but as “Zoe’s friend” (for instance). Thanks to that referral, there will be a greater sense of commitment, care and responsibility towards you. They’re also more likely to give you a chance, after all, you have mutual friends or acquaintances.
So how does it work:
First, brainstorm who you know that currently lives in your host country? Do you know someone who’s originally from that country? Or someone who used to live there? If not, ask your friends if they know anybody (from) there.
Then, establish contact. If it’s indeed a shared friend this will be easy and they’ll gladly share their knowledge, tips and connections in their country. But even if you don’t know the person well, don’t worry: reach out and let them know you’re moving to their country. Show interest and curiosity and ask them for tips. Everyone loves to give tips about things they know, and they’ll certainly want to you have a really good experience in their country!
I wouldn’t be surprised if they offered to meet you once you get there or put you in contact with others. Also, make sure to stay in touch with that person – let them know when you arrive, or when you tried that restaurant they recommended and thank them. It’s good to stay top of their mind so that when there’s a happening or event that would suit you, they’ll think of you and invite you to it. Most of my best friendships abroad have been made possible thanks to a common link.
2. Bond over interests and commonalities
Shared interests are definitely a driving force when it comes to bonding and making friends abroad.
For moms, their children can be a great vehicle to make friends: at kindergarten / school or at the playground. This will not just benefit you but also your kids.
Also, actively pursue your interests and hobbies. You’re likely going to meet people you have things in common with there (e.g. if you play Golf -> at the Golf court).
3. Join a club or association
Being part of a community is key if you want to feel at home abroad. There are expat clubs and associations in most cities. These are great platforms to meet a bunch of people and to belong. Be an active member, collaborate, volunteer and help out, make an effort to connect with other members.
You can also join a sports club, book club or religious group – ideally somewhere where you’ll actually interact with people and don’t remain anonymous (like you may in a gym).
And if you can’t find a community in your area, think about creating your own club! There are always people looking to connect with likeminded others: find a common theme, such as expats, a nationality, a speaker of your native language, a hobby, interest or circumstance.
If you don’t know anyone locally, you can use platforms like www.meetup.com or social media to invite people.
4. Be friendly to your neighbors, waiters etc
It’s always a good idea to be friendly to the people around you: say hi and chat with your neighbors; greet the waiters and clerks at your favorite coffee house / restaurant / store; smile at people you see around often…
This may not necessarily lead to friendships but it will make you feel connected to the people around you. And when we feel connected we are more open to connect with others. We always attract what we put out there. I’ve been approached by a woman, who became a friend of mine afterwards, in a coffee shop I frequented. An open and friendly attitude certainly helps.
5. Take a Class
This is not only a great way to meet people (with a shared interest), it also gives you something meaningful and gratifying to fill your free time with.
There’s always something new you can learn or a skill you could master – what could that be for you?
6. Volunteering / Offering Help
This is a great tip for introverts who have a hard time reaching out to people. Try offering your help to someone: at your workplace, your kid’s school, a club you’ve joined, to a charitable organisation, or maybe you can teach someone your native language of a skill of yours. There’s always someone that you can help and it’ll make them feel good, it’ll make you feel good and it’ll make you both feel connected!
7. Online Connections
I would have definitely added this point to the list before the pandemic. I’ve bonded with some great people online and certainly call some of them my friends.
However, I don’t think online connections can fully substitute for physical ones. So while it’s great to connect and engage online, I’d like to encourage you to make in-person meetings and local friendships a priority. Especially when you struggle with feeling lonely abroad.
What has helped you to meet people abroad and to connect with them? Please share your tips, do’s and don’ts with this community – we’re all in the same boat and greatly appreciate your inputs!
36 Solo-Parenting Ideas for Expat Moms (Bad Weather Edition)
Are you an Expat Mom who often finds herself solo-parenting, while your partner is working long working hours or traveling?
This is an all too common scenario in many expat families, leaving the woman in charge of the kids most of the time: throughout their daily lives, during the holidays, or maybe due to recent developments like schools closing due to the pandemic.
Back home, you may have had a larger support system, made up of grandparents, siblings and close friends with children to have playdates with. But this just might not (yet) be the case at your current destination.
I personally can come up with plans and excursions when the weather is nice… but where I live, it rains a lot. The weather is not always on a solo-parent’s side: depending on where you’re based, it may be too cold, too hot, too polluted…. etc to go outside. If your kids are anything like mine, spending a whole weekend indoors will end with everyone being exhausted, annoyed and in a bad mood!
So I have collected 36 incredible tips that I’ve received from other solo-parenting expat moms and I want to share them with you so that you can be fully prepared for your next solo-parenting experience!
Things to do with your kids abroad (indoors):
Visit an indoor playground
Go to the swimming pool
Play Bakery: bake cakes, muffins, cookies and then decorate them
Move furniture to build a home gym and play gym class
Play card or board games
Go to a shopping mall
Visit a car dealership and look at cars
Allocate cushions on the floor and jump around
Build a cave (with help of tables, chairs, drying racks, cushions, blankets. Then put in a torch, books or audiobooks and snacks for them to play in it
Theater performance: make Flyers and tickets and then perform
Read books or invent stories
Games like: „I spy with my little eye…“, guessing people etc
Drawing, painting and coloring
Make slime or salt dough for modeling (2 cups of flour, 1 cup of water and 1 cup of salt)
Have a picnic on the floor
Take a wool knuckle, pass it around and create a big spider web. Then have the kids climb through (without touching the web)
Put on a raincoat and boots and jump in muddy puddles
Build a Lego- / Playmobil- / Brio world
Play dress up, paint their faces
Crafts (cutting, gluing, coloring….) Then put the works of art in a frame – and you have a great gift for grandma!
Visit a museum
Movie afternoon: have the kids help you make a Pizza or Popcorn, then watch a family movie with them
Go to the movie theater (you can limit screen time tomorrow)
Paint stones
Organize the toys together – they may find some they thought they’d lost or haven’t played with in a while. The toys they don’t use anymore could be given to charity.
Make seasonal decor and decorate the house (e.g. paint Easter eggs, make Christmas wreaths, paper flowers etc)
Turn the hallway into a bowling aisle: play bowling with empty bottles or Tupperware
Form figures, food, animals etc with Play Doh – and then sell them in your ‘little shop’
Carry out age-appropriate experiments (e.g. what floats / what sinks in water? A baking soda / vinegar volcano…)
Sensory Play with shaving foam – you can even add food coloring!
Play party games: Pass the parcle, sleeping lion, a treasure hunt around your home, musical statues etc
Out of large and empty (moving) boxes, create a playhouse – cut out windows and doors, then paint it.
Body Painting
And don’t forget:
34. Grant yourself small breaks in between to drink your cup of coffee or even one glass of wine 😉
35. Get a babysitter to recharge your batteries for a few hours
36. Treat yourself afterwards!(yes, we know reward systems are inherently flawed, but I think there’s nothing wrong with getting yourself a little gift and thank yourself for being such a #superwoman 😉 because as Solo-Parenting Expat Moms, we really, REALLY are! 😀 )
I’d like to thank all of the Expat Moms who have contributed to this list again!
What would you add? Let us know in the comments below!
Know someone who would benefit from this list? Then please share this blog post with them!
PS: Sometimes the weight on your shoulder can get a bit much…. I feel you. Let’s talk about it in a complimentary consultation I’m offering – click below to book your call:
One thing many people struggle with when they move abroad is their perceived loss or change in identity. Have you experienced that too?
You knew exactly who you were (and who you were not) when you lived back home. There were clues all over the place that sent out a message to yourself and to others about who you were: because of the family you grew up in, the school and university you went to, the people you hung out with, the neighborhood you lived in, the profession you had and so forth. All of these things made up your identity, your self-image, they provided the context and that gave you a great deal security.
But when you moved abroad, all of a sudden these things lost meaning. Now, no-one knows the schools and places you went to, you may no longer continue in your line of work and due to the language barrier and lack of social connections, you may have gone from ‘social extrovert’ to a seemingly ‘quiet loner’.
Having an identity crisis and feeling misunderstood, lost and insecure seems like the logical consequence. But what if I told you that this could actually be a good thing?
Reframing the Expat Identity
Our “identity” and self-image can also hold us back from doing many things we would actually really love to do. The reason for this is the following: throughout our childhood and youth we learnt that in order to belong to and be loved by others, we had to abide by certain rules. We had to disown certain parts of ourselves that were considered “too much” or “weird” and adapt.
Belonging is one of the strongest needs of the human species and as children our survival depends on it! So we go to great lengths in order to feel like we belong and to safeguard our role and our place.
We learnt that if we were too nerdy, daddy would prefer to play with our sister. If we were too loud, we’d be ‘too much’ for others. If we were too sensitive, our friends would make fun of us. And if we pursued our passion and became an artist, our family would be disappointed.
So we put layer over layer on top of our true, authentic selves. We make important life choices, not according to what our heart says, but to what our loved ones, society or culture says – and we don’t even notice! It’s a sacrifice we think we need to make, in order to be safe and loved.
Our self-image is self constructed
What we call our identity, is actually an extension of our ego. It’s a self image we’ve developed and cling to, because we thought it allows us to belong.
There comes a point in everyone’s life where keeping up at least certain parts this self-constructed identity, becomes draining. You may feel like throwing in the towel but by now, it’s difficult to do that: so many things and people depend on you to be the way they’re used to, and for you to keep doing the things they’re used to.
Also, by the time that voice inside you gets louder and points out what’s not working for you, you’ve probably already distanced yourself so much from that innate wisdom of who you are, why you’re here, what your unique gifts are and what truly brings you joy. This can make it hard to find alternatives.
And that’s precisely why leaving your old identity behind like many expats do, can be a great way to discover what else is there for you to discover about yourself. To peal back those layers and see who you are at your core.
How to discover your authentic self abroad
Tool no. 1:Re-thinking your true identity If someone were to take everything away from you: your gender, nationality, race, profession, material things etc: what would be left of you? Now, keep it hypothetical please – don’t think about how shocked you’d be if someone robbed you of that; just try and identify who you would be if it weren’t for all of those things? That will give you great insight into your essence.
Tool no. 2: Who would you be and what would you do if no one was watching? Really, think about it, because the answers might surprise you! I, for instance would be singing and dancing much more, possibly on a stage. My clients have told me things like: I’d finally start that Blog or Vlog without fearing any negative backlash. Or: I’d stop collaborating with this association because I don’t enjoy it at all! Or: I’d finally have the courage to start my own business even though no one believes I have what it takes.
What comes up for you? Can you incorporate these things into your daily life abroad?
Tool no. 3:What did you dream of doing when you were younger? Can you add elements of these activities and dreams into your daily life for more joy?
Tool no. 4: Check in with your body What activities, what opinions, what people, what decisions make you feel light, and what others make you feel heavy? Pay some attention to that in the coming days. Go with your gut feeling, that’s important. You may not always be able to opt for the things that make you feel light but at least knowing about them will be very revealing to you!
As a next step, you can try and add more of the “makes me feel light” things and people into your life and reduce more of the “makes me feel heavy and drained” things.
Conclusion
If you struggle with your loss/change of identity abroad; if you miss the person you used to be back home; if you feel misunderstood and not seen abroad…
-> Allow for the possibility that your identity is not fixed and final. There might be much more to YOU, this beautifully unique YOU, that you have yet to discover. There may be things out there for you that you haven’t considered doing but that would make you so happy. There may be ways for you to share your unique gifts with the world (which you didn’t know you had) and that you didn’t have the chance to before you moved.
So let me ask you: What is one thing you’d love to do with your life if no one was watching?
Expat Couples often experience a shift in the dynamic of their relationship when they move to a new country.
No matter whether you and your beau are more like Ross & Rachel in Season 2 or in Season 3 – the following nuggets of relationship advice will help you to breath new life into your love story!
All easily applicable, these tools are aimed to introduce new perspectives you may not have seen before, as well as increase mutual understanding, closeness and trust – 3 vital ingredients for any “happily ever after”!
The 5 Love Languages for Expat Couples
When you first met and fell in love you talked about all kinds of things… but did you ever pause to figure out:⠀
What makes you feel loved? ⠀
How do you show your love to your significant other? ⠀
What things can you do that will make your partner feel loved – the way (s)he prefers and understands it as a sign of love? ⠀
What things is your partner doing for you that mean “I love you”, even though you may not have interpreted them that way?⠀
Sometimes we feel like “we’re doing so much for the other and not getting enough back” – when quite possibly, we’re simply speaking in a different ‘love language’ to one another, that both fail to properly understand.⠀
> Do you prefer to hear sweet words, get praise and positive feedback? Then your love language is probably Words of Affirmation.⠀
> Do you feel loved when your partner helps you out and takes care of things for you or the family? Then Acts of Service is the way to your heart!
> Do you enjoy receiving thoughtful Gifts – material but also otherwise? Then that’s your love language.⠀
> Or does nothing say “I love you” to you like undevided attention, like a romantic dinner a deux – phones off! Then Quality Time is your thing.⠀
> Maybe you need affection to feel loved: hugs, kisses, cuddles, you name it… Then you’ll feel loved through Physical Touch.
And what about your significant other? Figuring out what each other’s love languages are will allow you to “love each other the right way”.
How Expat Couples Can Strengthen The Bond
So often, Expat Couples can get stuck on certain pain points, unpleasant and recurring triggers or arguments. But by focusing on them so passionately, you’re directing our energy towards what’s not working and become even more stuck with what you don’t want.⠀ ⠀ What if instead, you focused on what IS working, and on improving these areas even more? On doing enjoyable activities together more frequently and in a more special way? ⠀ ⠀ When you work on increasing closeness, trust and intimacy with your partner⠀
certain knots in your relationship will miraculously disappear ⠀
others will become less of a deal, they’ll become “that annoying little thing” you’ll just accept as part of an overall strong relationship⠀
in the case of some other challenges you’ll now have created a solid basis and fertile ground for a constructive and respectful discussion about them ⠀
and if there’s still a big knot left that you weren’t able to undo or loosen, then maybe you can now find it in your hearts to “respectfully agree to disagree” ⠀
Emotional Bids
Everything you say to another person is an invitation to connect – sometimes it’ll be obvious (‘I’d love to take a trip!”) but other times it won’t be (“You never listen to me!”) ⠀ ⠀ You can return a bid by getting involved (“Oh really, where to?”), making a pleasant remark (“That would be nice!”) or block them by either cutting the conversation off (“Yeah right, like we could afford it right now!”) or by ignoring the offer (not looking up, not reacting). ⠀ ⠀ At Gottman’s “love lab” it was discovered that happy couples had a 5:1 ratio of returning bids : blocking them. ⠀ ⠀ Thinking of anything that comes out of your significant other’s mouth as an invitation to connect is a powerful reframe to whatever they may say! Can you try and return it, even though it’s a disguised or hidden bid?
Camilla’s Counter-Thought for Relationships
You know how deeply pleasurable it can be to blame someone else for an upsetting situation? To jump into the soft and comfortable saddle of your high horse and gallop away? ?? Well, I’m about to take that feeling away from you forever with my “counter-thought“ mind hack.
I wrote about this on my blog a year ago, as it’s a tool I used on myself to mentally prepare for my last move: it consists of thinking an opposite thought in order to break your negative thought patterns, increase your resilience and resourcefulness and help you see new aspects you hadn’t seen before in order to come up with new solutions.
But you can also use this in your relationship to question your story and forever say ‘adiós’ to your own excuses and victim mode! Let me give you an example:
Thought: He doesn’t care about me! — Counter-thought 1: He really cares about me! (Think about how he shows you that he does. Maybe his way of caring looks different to what you have in mind?) — Counter-thought 2: I don’t care about him. (Contemplate on how you don’t, when you didn’t or why he could feel that you don’t) — Counter-thought 3: I don’t care about myself. (How is this true? Are you leading by example of what it means to care for you? Do you know and honor your boundaries?)
This will require some practice but when you get into the habit of doing this, your brain will start creating new neural connections and patterns. Counter-thinking will soon become your go-to reaction, opening doors to new possibilities (thoughts, stories and solutions)!
As for me? I stopped being able to bask in the “I’m so right and you’re so wrong” glory a long time ago! Sometimes that sucks. Most times it makes me feel empowered, liberated, more empathic and optimistic! Because there’s always, always a different side to every story!
And last but definitely not least:
The “I” in Relationship
This has been the biggest revelation in my relationship. We’re usually so focused on the US that we totally underestimate the power of the “I” in relationship! ⠀ ⠀ Why that is? Well, in part due to lots of conditioning (thanks Hollywood!) and “wrong-mantic” ideas of what a long-term love story should look like. ⠀ But also, because placing the focus on ourselves requires us to take full responsibility of our own thoughts and actions, and as I established above: that can get pretty uncomfortable!⠀ ⠀ But ⠀ ✅ when you make the choice to detox from playing the blame game, the “yes, but….” and the “he started it!” ⠀ ⠀ ✅ when you stop looking at what the other one’s doing or not doing and start focusing on what YOU are doing⠀ ⠀ ✅ and when you shift your behavior and actions, even if just a little…⠀ ⠀ … you’ll provoke a DOMINO-like chain reaction in your relationship, and yes, that’s DOMINO in capital letters!⠀ ⠀ Being intentional about the way you show up and how you can do so in the best way will go a long way. These questions can help you get started:⠀
Who do I want to be in this relationship?
What do I need to be my best self?
What triggers me and brings out a worse side of me?
The Multicultural Couple’s Checklist
I hope you’ll give these 5 tools a try – positive results guaranteed!
PS: Have you already downloaded my Multicultural Couple’s Checklist? It’s your best guide to turning differences into strengths and to creating a beautifully, blended family culture. You won’t wanna miss out on this one!
We all know what a Burnout is, but have you heard of BOREOUT?
And did you know Expat wives can be at risk of developing Boreout?
Boreout is a disorder caused by chronic mental underload that leads to a persistent lack of motivation and interest, to frustration, lethargy and in some cases even depression.
I recently stumbled across this phenomenon and posted about it on my Instagram Account: what followed were numerous comments and messages by expat women, who’d had similar experiences.
Intrigued, I began researching: Interestingly, most literature and scientific studies I found were in German (which luckily I speak) and related to Boreout in the workplace. But in fact, it can affect many different people and different areas of life, and I see this syndrome in some of my clients who are in their majority non-working expat wives – women who followed their husband’s career abroad but who may find themselves lost and insufficiently challenged in their new country.
If that rings a bell for you or you know someone who fits the description, read on because I’m gonna take the scientific research and make it relevant to YOU.
The reason that this wide-spread phenomenon isn’t talked about as much as it should be, is because boreout symptoms can easily be viewed as desirable, first world problems even:
not having lots of stress,
having enough spare time to google every and anything
being able to watch all of your favorite TV shows and
taking naps in the middle of the day…
Who would say no to that? Would others pity you for that?
Well, as I’m about to show you when this becomes the rule and you feel under-challenged on a daily basis, it’s so deeply unsatisfying it can eat you up from the inside. As a matter of fact, in some literature the syndrome is described as ‘soul-infarct’, because that’s what it can feel like to those affected.
Why Expat Wives may experience Boreout
If you followed your partner abroad for an expat or diplomatic assignment and do not have something meaningful to spend your days with, it can affect your self worth:
The Self Worth Theory in psychology suggests that it’s an innate human need to be seen as capable, competent and able by ourselves and others.
Therefore, your own sense of worth is a direct result of your perceived ability to achieve certain things and to your performance. But when there’s nothing for you to achieve, nothing that challenges you and that makes you feel proud of what we’ve done or gets you praise for that from others around you: your sense of worth can begin to crumble. And this is something that will affect other areas of your lives as well.
How can we spot Boreout:
Boreout is most commonly found in office jobs. Oftentimes, employees enter the workplace with high motivation but then find that either, their tasks don’t fit their expectations and aren’t enjoyable to them, or they may be stuck in an environment where their superiors don’t delegate or only pass on “boring taks” to them.
Soon they’ll find that their motivation decreases, but at the same time they’ll feel badly about not having enough work – which is difficult to communicate to your superiors because a) it could make their position seem redundant and b) they may be given even more of those boring tasks they loathe
Bore-out affected employees typically develop a series of strategies to pretend to be busy – always having a work-related tab open when they’re actually googling their next vacation, eating lunch at their desk, taking files home with them in the evening or making personal calls sound like they could be work-related.
Boreout in Expat Wives
In the case of the woman who’s given up life as she knew it, her job, her social circle etc to move abroad for her significant other she can easily and commonly find herself in a situation that could lead to Boreout. I’ve identified 4 types of accompanying spouses that may either present related symptoms or may suffer from Boreout:
Expat Wife Type 1
She’s unable to work because of visa restrictions, language barrier and the likes – and feels frustrated and under-challenged as a consequence. Her strong desire to work or to be intellectually challenged clashes with her reality of not having any kind of outlet for this desire. If she doesn’t find one, she can fall into the Boreout trap, and it will become increasingly hard for her to get out of bed, to motivate herself and to actively look for meaning-providing activities.
Expat Wife Type 2
She had to take a job that doesn’t actually suit her qualifications and interests, out of a sheer lack of options in her new country – which can make her dread going there and carrying out her “senseless” tasks at work. Especially if she feels overqualified, she can quickly reach a stage of chronic boredom and demotivation, which can lead to Boreout (typically, she’d apply the pretend strategies named above in order to seem busy, out of fear to be out of a job that wasn’t easy to find to begin with).
Expat Wife Type 3:
She chose not to work at all, but at the same time finds it difficult to fill her days with meaningful past-times and activities. She’s also lacking close friendships in her new place. If she has children they may be in school all day, leaving her twiddling her thumbs during chunks of the day.
Expat Wife Type 4:
She stays at home and takes care of her children, which is such a beautiful and important thing to do. However, there are some people that just naturally enjoy things like cooking, building Brio trains and playing hide and seek and others who actually don’t. And that doesn’t make them a bad mother, it just means that they will have to fill up their need for mental stimulation in a different way.
Scientific studies suggest that it’s unlikely for a person taking care of or working with small infants to develop Boreout, because of the nature of the tasks and interaction (like it or not, you can’t pretend to be busy and regularly go into hiding when your children need you or cry for your help). In that case, you may feel intellectually under-challenged or even burned out, but it wouldn’t be labeled Boreout.
>>> No matter what your situation is: it’s normal to feel bored and under challenged from time to time, but if you feel a deep lack of satisfaction in the activities you do all day, and find it increasingly hard to motivate yourself, to get yourself to do anything: you may be suffering from Boreout.
Name it to tame it
I want to give you the name of what it is your experiencing, because when you suffer from boreout you feel terrible about yourself: you’re losing faith in your own abilities; you’re losing hope to find something meaningful out there for you; you may come think of yourself as lazy (or be perceived as such) and feel ashamed about that; also, your frustration won’t stop there, it will bleed into your relationships and create unhealthy patterns and co-dependency.
What feeds the Boreout monster?
1. Digitalisation
has brought us so many pleasurable distractions: Social Media, Youtube, Google, Netflix – there’s always something to do on the internet and it’s easy to convince yourself that what you’re doing is really important or enjoyable. Who would complain about having time for that? And yet, it’s actually making you waste valuable time that you could spend doing much more fulfilling and productive things.
2. Outside Pressure:
If you’re an expat wife you might enjoy certain privileges: a beautiful home, enough help around the house, nannies, and enough money in order to “not worry about it”. You might feel that you should be grateful for that, and others would certainly not understand if you complained and told them that it wasn’t enough. So you stay quiet, feel ashamed for the feelings you’re having and as a result get even more stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling so unfulfilled and unsatisfied, but at the same wanting to pretend that you’re okay.
3. Lack of Integrity:
Studies suggest that at the workplace, a lack of integrity and identification with the company puts employees at a greater risk to suffer from boreout. When you live in another country, and especially if you’re there on a temporary assignment and your stay is limited to a few years, you may experience the same type of dis-identification with your host country. That can lead you to think: “Why bother looking for friends, or a job or a class to take…. I’ll be gone in a few years anyway and besides, I don’t’t think I’d find anything exciting to do around here anyway”.
So now that we’ve analyzed the boreout syndrome from different angles, the question remains:
How to overcome Boreout:
1. Self-awareness:
First of all, it is important to become aware of the existence of this syndrome. Have you experienced a lack of motivation and drive lately? Do you miss a sense significance, stimulation and accomplishment in your daily life? Does shame and wanting to keep up appearances get in the way of admitting this?
2. Self Compassion:
Being able to give your emotional state a name can be a tremendous relief and validates your experience. It’s okay for you to feel the way you do and you are by no means the only one. Be kind to yourself throughout the healing process, as letting go of the shame associated with your symptoms is necessary for your recovery. Try to speak to yourself like you would to your best friend.
3. Talk about it
Has your partner or someone close to you worried about or criticized your lack of drive and motivation? Sharing this article with him can open up a constructive dialogue about what you’re going through. Can you seek the comfort of a good friend? Can you get an accountability partner to motivate you to research and schedule more gratifying activities? I also strongly recommend talking to a trained professional to help you break out of the Boreout cycle.
4. Taking Responsibility:
While you may not be able to change the main circumstances that contributed to your Boreout, you can focus on what’s in your circle of influence and take full responsibility for that. So often, we focus on what we don’t want or have, but in order to grow we need to get clear on what it is we do want for our lives. Setting positive intentions is a vital ingredient for growth:
Reflect on what your goals are in life. What would it take for you to get there and to embody the kind of person you want to be? What would she do? What wouldn’t she do?
Re-think and re-instate boundaries, for yourself and others. Take care of yourself and find a good balance between doing what you have to do and doing what you like to do.
Schedule your time carefully. What tasks could you add to your daily schedule that would fill you with joy? Put a system into place that will make it easier for you to be productive (for instance, set a timer to go off after 20 minutes spent on Pinterest; challenge yourself to meet with 2 people a week, to enroll in a class or to volunteer…)
5. Look for meaning and purpose:
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to go looking for them outside. Purpose can be created from within and regardless of your current location by getting clear on:
what truly brings you joy in life
what your unique skills and values are
what impact you want to make in the world
Also: make sure to actively look for activities that will stimulate your intellect,because that’s exactly what’s needed to overcome Boreout.
Parenting always brings up so many questions and when it comes to multicultural children or third culture kids that grow up with different cultural influences, it can be even harder to determine what’s best for them in a particular situation and how you should react to certain things.
So I’ve been working on a Framework that I baptized “The Multicultural Parenting Model” that you can apply to any kind of situation with your child, that will serve and guide you and give you a greater confidence in your parenting decisions and challenges.
First of all I want to say that each child has a truly unique spirit and so do we all, so if you’ve been looking for a kind of manual on how to raise your children, I’m afraid there is none. (But if you find one, please send it to me! ;-))
I think it’s really up to us to figure out what’s best one situation at a time, taking into consideration:
the unique spirit of our child – who might be more or less sensitive, more or less active, more or less provocative…
your own personality, values and beliefs
the importance and severity of the situation at hand
So while I can’t give you specific answers to your individual parenting concerns, I’ve designed a framework that I’ve been testing and loving, and I’m sure that no matter what’s going on you can apply it.
Multicultural Children need Roots and Wings
I’ve often said the phrase that multicultural children needed a good balance between strong roots and wings to be able to fly. But what does that mean exactly?
Well, let me show you:
Each situation with your children will call for you to choose between those two elements: ROOTS or WINGS. And for each element you have two choices, one is a more proactive, strong approach, while the other is a softer and steadier one.
When you choose ROOTS you can go two ways:
Connection which is soft; it’s about increasing closeness, heartfelt understanding and trust. It’s about loving and nurturing your child.
Boundaries which is firm and active. This is where you might say “no”, or “only this but not that”. Or where you intervene.
And when it comes to WINGS you can choose between
EnlightenedComposure. Enlightened because it really requires a lot of wisdom, maturity and consciousness. It’s about being able to pause. To step back. To listen but not interfere. It’s about accepting what is going on.
Guidance: this again is the more proactive approach where you show and guide your child, where you teach them something they need to learn in order to then be able to do it by themselves, and to fly.
How to Apply The MPM
So let me give you an example: your child comes home from school and is bummed because someone made fun of his/her heritage (e.g. their accent, the way they look or dress etc)
Now ask yourself – and there is no right or wrong answer, this is up to you and your child, and the circumstances: what does my child need now? What should I give him / her:
Is it Roots? Do you want to ground their energy, pull them towards you? And if so, what should this look like?
Should it be through Connection? Then you might have a heartfelt conversation about this issue, giving your child comfort and the feeling that it belongs and is fully accepted in your family.
Or you might opt for Boundaries, where you might say that you’ll speak to the teacher, or you might tell your child that you don’t want them to do or say a particular thing in this particular situation.
Alternatively, you might determine that your child needs Wings, and is able to handle the situation more independently, to fly solo.
Here you might choose between Enlightened Composure, which is a wise and conscious ‘non-reaction’ to the situation or to a request your child has. You might just listening to him/her telling you the story. Repeating and clarifying some things, nodding along in understanding but not giving advice. Trusting that your child will be able to handle this situation by themselves and will grow from the experience.
Or else, you might sense that your child needs Wings but in form of Guidance, where you help them to come up with a plan, to develop a skill, to take them by the hand and show them a way but in order tothen let them spread their wings and fly by themselves.
As I said, each situation will call for a different element but if you apply this framework you always know in which directions you can go.
Tapping into your inner wisdom
Think about a recent incident with your children. Maybe they wanted to dress in a way that you don’t approve of. Maybe they just got their heart broken. Maybe they’re throwing a tantrum. Maybe they’re opposing your upcoming move abroad. Maybe they don’t want to move back home. Maybe they don’t want to eat the food you’ve prepared for them.
Whatever it is, tap into your inner wisdom, reflect and take a moment to decide:
Does my child need Roots now, and if so, in the form of connection, nurturing and understanding or in the form of clear boundaries and rules?
Or should I give them Wings – by either being a kind of loving, trusting and well-wishing bystander or by taking their hand and guiding them towards the take-off point.
I really hope that my MULTICULTURAL PARENTING MODEL will serve you to make better decision, to learn how to tune into what your unique child needs in each unique situation and to tackle these situations with more confidence.
Please let me know your thoughts about this framework and try it out today – I’d love to hear how it’s working for you!
For more tips and guidance about parenting abroad / multicultural children, check out these episodes of The Empowered Expat Woman Podcast:
How to create a strong family culture abroad is one of my biggest concerns as an expat mom. Finding the sweet spot between providing my kids with stability and a connection to their roots, while at the same time helping them to adjust to the local culture and to become open-minded Global Citizens. If you, too, are raising “third-culture kids”, I’m sure you can relate.
We’re a multicultural family (I’m Austrian and my husband is Spanish), speaking German and Spanish at home. After several moves we are currently living near Bilbao in the “Basque Country” — a region which, in spite of being located in Spain, has its own cultural identity and language.
In this post I’d like to share some original ideas and inspirations with you, that will hopefully help your globally mobile family to grow stronger and to flourish — wherever you are!
1) Multicultural Bedtime Stories
Our go-to story is the one of an Austrian garbage man called Fitz who comes to Bilbao. My boys love garbage trucks, which by the way are green here, not orange like in Austria. Even the containers have different colors. (I know, I know, the things you start paying attention to when you have kids!)
So as you can imagine, it’s very confusing for Fitz to find his way around and to understand the instructions of his local colleague Markel… this leads to some very funny incidents and confusions due the different cultures, customs and languages — without ever judging either one, though.
Stories like this one can normalize the challenges related to adapting to a new environment and ease the impact of culture shock.
2) Cultural Theme Nights
Having family dinners is so important and when you’re living abroad — why not spice it up a little? You can do several themes per week or month, maybe one of your country of heritage, one of your spouse’s (if it’s not the same), and one of the country you’re currently living in. Have your kids help you prepare the meals — no matter their age, there’s always something they can do and they’ll not only enjoy it but it’s also a great way to pass on family traditions. You can put on national music, decorate the table accordingly… whatever comes to mind! And share stories… lots of stories.
I have on old, handwritten recipe book from my grandmother, my kids love helping me form Austrian dumplings and I’ll tell them a story, like how I went into labor with my firstborn while eating “Marillenknödel”.
3) Family Playlists
When I was growing up, music was my world and listening to my favorite songs with others made me feel really connected to them. Does it do the same for you and your family? Then you’ll love this idea:
Create a playlist where each family member can choose and add some songs — of course in different languages and from the different countries you lived in. That will sweeten up those car rides…
But be open-minded about it. Just because you don’t like a song your son picked out doesn’t mean it’s “bad music”. With a little effort you can certainly find one thing you like about it (the beat? The voice? The guitar riff?) Remember, it’s about growing closer and inviting everyone to contribute to your family culture.
4) Strengthen the Bond to your Spouse
One thing I’ve noticed in my work with international couples is that they often get stuck on a “pain point”. This certainly happens to all couples, but when one or both partners are living abroad, with all the challenges this can entail, these issues easily become magnified.
My advice? Shift your focus. Not everything needs to be discussed and agreed on in the moment, as a matter of fact, attempting to do so can create a greater distance between the spouses that will make it even harder to overcome the problem. So:
Try focusing more on the things that do already work well between the two of you and make them even better.
Think of the things you enjoy doing together, and do more of them.
When you increase closeness, trust and understanding between you and your significant other, some of the pain points you faced may just miraculously dissolve or become less of a deal.
5) Gratitude
Practicing gratitude isn’t just for expats and families abroad, but it’s such a powerful happiness booster that I had to include in in this list! You can’t be grateful and grumpy or mean at the same time, it doesn’t work.
Furthermore, you train your mind to start looking for things to be grateful for throughout the day, which will fill you up with positive energy.
Gratitude makes us feel loved and connected to one another and to the whole world. I encourage you to help your kids develop this habit from early on.
When I put my kids to bed, we each go through 3 things we’re grateful for. No matter how small or big. It’s a beautiful way to end a day and your world will start looking much brighter when you do this regularly.
6) A New Awareness and Consciousness
One of the beauties of living abroad is that the standards you typically had for yourself and your family back home, become blurry.
What you “had to” do, wear and live like back home is probably not the same in your new country. So it’s a great opportunity to drop some old images and beliefs you held (about yourself, your marriage, your parenting style etc) and to freely think about what feels good to YOU.
This is especially important in parenting. When you stop comparing your kids so much to their peers (as they’re probably from a different culture or background anyway), you create room in which their authentic selves can unfold. It also takes out the pressure you may have felt as a parent back home, because you compared yourself to your friends or wanted them to approve your methods. A lot of parents use their kids as an extension of their ego and — consciously or unconsciously — want to validate themselves through the accomplishments of their children.
I encourage you to step back and curiously figure out who your kids really are, away from everything — you might be surprised! Discovering and accepting your child’s unique spirit is the greatest gift you can give to them. Needless to say, this will make you feel much more connected to each other.
I sincerely hope these ideas inspire you to create a unique and strong family culture abroad and that living abroad will be an enriching experience for you all!
I’d love to find out how these tips are working out for you — so please share your thoughts in the comments below!
Further Resources for Creating A Strong Family Culture Abroad
The other day a client asked me: “Do you never feel down?” We had just exchanged some personal experiences of our cross-border lives and she clearly felt seen and understood by me, leading her to wonder about how I dealt with difficult situations and people.
We all have our share of challenges, hardships and struggles. But throughout my (ongoing) journey of growth and evolving consciousness, I’ve acquired and internalized many tools and healthy habits that make it easier for me to deal with triggers. Of course I still get triggered! But nowadays I’m much more aware of what’s going on; if I fall into a hole of anger or sadness, it’s not as deep and dark as it would have been years ago and I’m able to come out of it faster.
But this blog post isn’t about me but about YOU and how YOU can feel better in times of challenges: you, too, can train yourself to acquire certain tools and habits that will help you shift a “negative state” towards a positive one, more and more frequently and rapidly. Oftentimes, all you need in order to notice relief is a little nudge, and to just pivot into the right direction.
I’ve compiled some of the things I’ve learnt and teach my clients in this article – and as a special gift for youI’ve created a free, fillable workbook (click here to download it) full of great exercises to overcome adversity and to become a more resilient and happier version of yourself.
Understanding H-A-P-P-Y
Happiness. We all want it and chase it, but that doesn’t always lead us to actually feel it. This is due to common misconceptions of what true happiness is. So to start off, I want to make sure we’re on the same page about it. I wouldn’t be surprised if, just by correcting your definition of happiness, you’ll already feel a weight lifting off your shoulders.
HAPPINESS ISN’T:
Attained from the outside in (If I had _____, I’d be happy)
A peak-state, like Euphoria, Ecstasy, Stimulation
The mere absence of problems. In our world of polarity, happiness couldn’t exist without its antonyms. You can find happiness even in difficult times.
Resisting and blocking out negative events or feelings
Sometimes loud, other times quiet. A peaceful, blissful state of abundance
Being fully present in the NOW (not thinking about tomorrow’s deadline and yesterday’s argument)
Being WHOLE. Being able to accept and embrace the bright and the shadow sides that co-exist within you and in life.
Something you can train yourself to feel more and more
Pain is Inevitable. Suffering is Optional.
We will all experience painful events in our lives. Moving abroad can be painful. A fight with your spouse. Harsh words of a dear friend. The loss of a loved one. The list is endless. Pain is a part of life.
But suffering is created after the painful event occurred, because:
>>> You tell yourself a story about the painful event and attach meaning to it or interpret it in absolute terms. (“He didn’t consider me in his decision so that must mean he doesn’t love me. Our relationship is doomed”.) Remember: meaning and interpretation is always subjective. We live in a world of multiple, personal realities.
>>> You resist what’s happened and want to push it away (“I can’t accept this! This is not allowed to happen!”)
>>> You compare yourself to others who are “better off”.
>>> You attach to the dis-empowering story you tell yourself about the painful event and make it a part of you (“I’m just not lucky in relationships”)
In the free workbook you’ll find exercises to transform your suffering.
Increasing Consciousness
The more self-aware and conscious you become of your states of mind, your thoughts, feelings and triggers, the more sense you can make of them and, as a result, the better you’ll be able to deal with them.
In my last post about Understanding and Managing our Emotions, I explain that our feelings are always preceded by a thought (sometimes an unconscious one, rooted in underlying scripts and beliefs). When you can trace your unpleasant feeling back, layer by layer by layer (there are usually numerous ones!) to the root thought, you can start the healing process.
The typical root causes of our unpleasant feelings are:
the fear of failure
the fear of not being good enough
the fear of not being loved
Name it to tame it
Now that you understand where your negative feeling comes from, it’s important to give it a name (label). Bear in mind that each word is loaded with meaning that you’ve attached to it throughout your life. Therefore you can’t afford to choose these labels carelessly. E.g.: you might say you’re depressed but could another term describe your state more accurately? Such as disappointed, lonely, anxious, sad etc? Be very specific about what feelings you are experiencing. It’s only when we can properly name them that we can start taming them too.
Feel your feelings
So often, we think our feelings instead of feeling them. That way you get sucked in more and more into the disempowering, fear-based story you’re telling yourself. Have you ever had whole, lengthy internal monologues about a disturbing event? (“I can’t believe so and so said that! I should have told her right then _______ She must really think so little of me. Next time I see her I’m simply not going to _____ ………”) I know I have!
What helps me to get centered is checking in with my body and noticing these sensations on the physical, feeling level. (You’ll find the instructions for this exercise in the free workbook).
Take care of yourself
When you’re in a “negative” state of mind, it’s important to nurture yourself and to treat yourself with loving kindness and compassion, just like you would treat your best friend.
In her book “Mindful Self-Compassion”, Kristin Neff mentions 6 aspects that make up Self Compassion. Can you analyze which of these you’re needing right now and come up with ways to provide you with them? The exercise in the workbook will help you.
Comforting: How can you make yourself feel better? What do you need right now and can you grant it to yourself?
Soothing: How can you help yourself to calm down? Maybe a walk outside in nature? A bubble bath? What helps you to relax?
Validating: Do you need to feel understood? Can you acknowledge and validate the way you feel?
Protecting: Where do you need to set boundaries? Where can you draw a line to shield yourself from more pain?
Providing: How can you meet your needs for yourself? Do you know what they are? Can you make your needs a priority?
Motivating: Can you bring out your “inner coach” and cheer yourself on, in a loving way?
Increasing Positive Emotions
In their essence, all positive emotions stem from Love and all negative emotions are rooted in Fear. There is no shame in feeling angry or upset, even depressed for some time. Negative emotions can be a motivating force to make us change things in our lives for the better or provide us with valuable lessons on our journey.
The problem arises when we feel negative emotions too frequently and too intensively, maybe even out of proportion to an event that occurred. In that case we’ve likely developed a pattern. But this can be reversed, and the field of Positive Psychology has studied numerous ways to create new and healthier patterns.
Dr. Martin Seligman’s PERMA model is a great and reliable framework for the pursuit of happiness. The five ingredients needed to achieve it are: P: Positive Emotions E: Engage R: Relationships M: Meaning A: Accomplishments
Dr. Barbara L. Fredrickson states that positive emotions not only increase our thought-action repertoire by broadening our mindset, but also make way to increasingly experience “neighbouring emotions” as well, like on the upward spiral in the picture below. (Negative emotions, in turn, narrow our view and – if not attended to – can set us up on a downward spiral).
My 3 favourite ways to increase positive emotions (and to consequently re-wire your brain to experience them more frequently) are:
Daily acts of kindness toward another: What small or big gestures can you make today and every day to make someone else feel good? This will inevitably make you feel good too.
Loving-Kindness Meditation & Mindfulness: you can find guided meditations on Youtube and Spotify.
Surrendering
Are unable to stop worrying about the future? While I’m a total advocate of going for your dreams and working towards achieving your goals… there comes a moment in which we simply have to surrender.
Surrendering means letting go of the need for things to be a certain way. Releasing the stress and anxiety attached to achieving or receiving something. Trusting in God (or any higher power and purpose you believe in) that it will all be okay and things will fall into place. Maybe not exactly like you had hoped or expected, but the way they simply have to be.
Suffering is: not accepting what is. In this day and age we are so accustomed to take matters into our own hands and change or manipulate things for our own benefit. But some things cannot or should not be changed. They need to be the way the are supposed to be. We can’t control all of the events and outcomes in our lives; attempting to do so would amount to an unbearable level of stress.
Ask yourself:
Is the problem I’m struggling with in my circle of influence? Am I actually able to change it? Is it really “my business”, someone else’s or even ‘force majeure’?
Can you reframe your problem by focusing on the lessons learnt from it? Or as a way to figure out what you don’t want more of in your life?
It is through surrendering that we can really be free and happy. And that’s my wish for you!
@ Copyright Camilla Quintana – The Empowered Expat Woman 2024. All rights reserved.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
