The other day a client asked me: “Do you never feel down?” We had just exchanged some personal experiences of our cross-border lives and she clearly felt seen and understood by me, leading her to wonder about how I dealt with difficult situations and people.
We all have our share of challenges, hardships and struggles. But throughout my (ongoing) journey of growth and evolving consciousness, I’ve acquired and internalized many tools and healthy habits that make it easier for me to deal with triggers. Of course I still get triggered! But nowadays I’m much more aware of what’s going on; if I fall into a hole of anger or sadness, it’s not as deep and dark as it would have been years ago and I’m able to come out of it faster.
But this blog post isn’t about me but about YOU and how YOU can feel better in times of challenges: you, too, can train yourself to acquire certain tools and habits that will help you shift a “negative state” towards a positive one, more and more frequently and rapidly. Oftentimes, all you need in order to notice relief is a little nudge, and to just pivot into the right direction.
I’ve compiled some of the things I’ve learnt and teach my clients in this article – and as a special gift for youI’ve created a free, fillable workbook (click here to download it) full of great exercises to overcome adversity and to become a more resilient and happier version of yourself.
Understanding H-A-P-P-Y
Happiness. We all want it and chase it, but that doesn’t always lead us to actually feel it. This is due to common misconceptions of what true happiness is. So to start off, I want to make sure we’re on the same page about it. I wouldn’t be surprised if, just by correcting your definition of happiness, you’ll already feel a weight lifting off your shoulders.
HAPPINESS ISN’T:
Attained from the outside in (If I had _____, I’d be happy)
A peak-state, like Euphoria, Ecstasy, Stimulation
The mere absence of problems. In our world of polarity, happiness couldn’t exist without its antonyms. You can find happiness even in difficult times.
Resisting and blocking out negative events or feelings
Sometimes loud, other times quiet. A peaceful, blissful state of abundance
Being fully present in the NOW (not thinking about tomorrow’s deadline and yesterday’s argument)
Being WHOLE. Being able to accept and embrace the bright and the shadow sides that co-exist within you and in life.
Something you can train yourself to feel more and more
Pain is Inevitable. Suffering is Optional.
We will all experience painful events in our lives. Moving abroad can be painful. A fight with your spouse. Harsh words of a dear friend. The loss of a loved one. The list is endless. Pain is a part of life.
But suffering is created after the painful event occurred, because:
>>> You tell yourself a story about the painful event and attach meaning to it or interpret it in absolute terms. (“He didn’t consider me in his decision so that must mean he doesn’t love me. Our relationship is doomed”.) Remember: meaning and interpretation is always subjective. We live in a world of multiple, personal realities.
>>> You resist what’s happened and want to push it away (“I can’t accept this! This is not allowed to happen!”)
>>> You compare yourself to others who are “better off”.
>>> You attach to the dis-empowering story you tell yourself about the painful event and make it a part of you (“I’m just not lucky in relationships”)
In the free workbook you’ll find exercises to transform your suffering.
Increasing Consciousness
The more self-aware and conscious you become of your states of mind, your thoughts, feelings and triggers, the more sense you can make of them and, as a result, the better you’ll be able to deal with them.
In my last post about Understanding and Managing our Emotions, I explain that our feelings are always preceded by a thought (sometimes an unconscious one, rooted in underlying scripts and beliefs). When you can trace your unpleasant feeling back, layer by layer by layer (there are usually numerous ones!) to the root thought, you can start the healing process.
The typical root causes of our unpleasant feelings are:
the fear of failure
the fear of not being good enough
the fear of not being loved
Name it to tame it
Now that you understand where your negative feeling comes from, it’s important to give it a name (label). Bear in mind that each word is loaded with meaning that you’ve attached to it throughout your life. Therefore you can’t afford to choose these labels carelessly. E.g.: you might say you’re depressed but could another term describe your state more accurately? Such as disappointed, lonely, anxious, sad etc? Be very specific about what feelings you are experiencing. It’s only when we can properly name them that we can start taming them too.
Feel your feelings
So often, we think our feelings instead of feeling them. That way you get sucked in more and more into the disempowering, fear-based story you’re telling yourself. Have you ever had whole, lengthy internal monologues about a disturbing event? (“I can’t believe so and so said that! I should have told her right then _______ She must really think so little of me. Next time I see her I’m simply not going to _____ ………”) I know I have!
What helps me to get centered is checking in with my body and noticing these sensations on the physical, feeling level. (You’ll find the instructions for this exercise in the free workbook).
Take care of yourself
When you’re in a “negative” state of mind, it’s important to nurture yourself and to treat yourself with loving kindness and compassion, just like you would treat your best friend.
In her book “Mindful Self-Compassion”, Kristin Neff mentions 6 aspects that make up Self Compassion. Can you analyze which of these you’re needing right now and come up with ways to provide you with them? The exercise in the workbook will help you.
Comforting: How can you make yourself feel better? What do you need right now and can you grant it to yourself?
Soothing: How can you help yourself to calm down? Maybe a walk outside in nature? A bubble bath? What helps you to relax?
Validating: Do you need to feel understood? Can you acknowledge and validate the way you feel?
Protecting: Where do you need to set boundaries? Where can you draw a line to shield yourself from more pain?
Providing: How can you meet your needs for yourself? Do you know what they are? Can you make your needs a priority?
Motivating: Can you bring out your “inner coach” and cheer yourself on, in a loving way?
Increasing Positive Emotions
In their essence, all positive emotions stem from Love and all negative emotions are rooted in Fear. There is no shame in feeling angry or upset, even depressed for some time. Negative emotions can be a motivating force to make us change things in our lives for the better or provide us with valuable lessons on our journey.
The problem arises when we feel negative emotions too frequently and too intensively, maybe even out of proportion to an event that occurred. In that case we’ve likely developed a pattern. But this can be reversed, and the field of Positive Psychology has studied numerous ways to create new and healthier patterns.
Dr. Martin Seligman’s PERMA model is a great and reliable framework for the pursuit of happiness. The five ingredients needed to achieve it are: P: Positive Emotions E: Engage R: Relationships M: Meaning A: Accomplishments
Dr. Barbara L. Fredrickson states that positive emotions not only increase our thought-action repertoire by broadening our mindset, but also make way to increasingly experience “neighbouring emotions” as well, like on the upward spiral in the picture below. (Negative emotions, in turn, narrow our view and – if not attended to – can set us up on a downward spiral).
My 3 favourite ways to increase positive emotions (and to consequently re-wire your brain to experience them more frequently) are:
Daily acts of kindness toward another: What small or big gestures can you make today and every day to make someone else feel good? This will inevitably make you feel good too.
Loving-Kindness Meditation & Mindfulness: you can find guided meditations on Youtube and Spotify.
Surrendering
Are unable to stop worrying about the future? While I’m a total advocate of going for your dreams and working towards achieving your goals… there comes a moment in which we simply have to surrender.
Surrendering means letting go of the need for things to be a certain way. Releasing the stress and anxiety attached to achieving or receiving something. Trusting in God (or any higher power and purpose you believe in) that it will all be okay and things will fall into place. Maybe not exactly like you had hoped or expected, but the way they simply have to be.
Suffering is: not accepting what is. In this day and age we are so accustomed to take matters into our own hands and change or manipulate things for our own benefit. But some things cannot or should not be changed. They need to be the way the are supposed to be. We can’t control all of the events and outcomes in our lives; attempting to do so would amount to an unbearable level of stress.
Ask yourself:
Is the problem I’m struggling with in my circle of influence? Am I actually able to change it? Is it really “my business”, someone else’s or even ‘force majeure’?
Can you reframe your problem by focusing on the lessons learnt from it? Or as a way to figure out what you don’t want more of in your life?
It is through surrendering that we can really be free and happy. And that’s my wish for you!
Have you seen “Inside Out”? It’s an animated movie I recently watched with my boys about our emotions. The characters are based on the universal emotions of Sadness, Anger, Fear, Disgust and Joy, which are personified and shown to be sitting in a young girl’s brain, working hard to steer her actions and to protect her – without her having much say over them! While that’s a cute and palpable explanation for children, it’s actually far from the truth.
Emotions don’t happen us. (Can I have a dime for every time I’ve heard someone say, and in the past have said it myself: “… but I can’t help the way I feel!”) Actually: yes, you absolutely can and in this article I’ll explain
– how our emotions are createdand constructed – how we become “addicted” to our emotions – how we can break the addictive cycle – how culture plays a role in the way we perceive and react to feelings
Emotions are triggered by thoughts – not the other way around
Understanding this has been such a game changer for me. Many different theories about why we experience emotions have appeared and disappeared throughout history, but over the last century it has been thoroughly examined and demonstrated that thoughts alone can produce emotions. (Psychiatrist Aaron Beck was one of the pioneers to draw this conclusion in the 1960s and Neuroscientists have carried out numerous studies and scans to prove this theory).
If this surprises you, it might be due to the fact that our common definition of “thought” is quite narrow: it’s not just the thoughts we actively think but also includes deeply engrained beliefs, stories and interpretations that run on autopilot, far beyond our conscious awareness. This can make it hard for us to pinpoint the thought that preceded an emotion. Remember, it is estimated that about 95% of our brain’s activity is unconscious!
Emotions as Indicators
That’s precisely the reason why emotions are such great indicators of what state we’re currently in. We might not be able to deconstruct the thought process behind it, but we usually are well aware of our feelings: firstly, because the Limbic System of our brain (sometimes referred to as the “emotional brain”) has more neural connections than other parts of the brain. Secondly, because our emotions often manifest on the physical plane as well – your hands may start sweating as you’re stressing out over an upcoming deadline, or a betrayal may quite literally feel like a punch in the stomach.
The Complexity of Emotional Constructs
In essence, each of us constructs their emotional responses and creates certain patterns, “go-to reactions”. These are deeply engrained in us and often stem from childhood, from the relationship dynamic with our parents, from mirroring others around us:
Experiences & Limiting Beliefs: When we were children, we couldn’t make sense of many things (for instance: “Why is mommy sad?”), either because we didn’t understand grown-up issues or because we simply weren’t told. We therefore drew infantile conclusions – oftentimes egocentric ones (“Daddy doesn’t listen to me because I’m not smart enough”), which led us to create underlying, limiting beliefs and pain points that accompany us into adult life.
Neuroscience: Furthermore, by emotionally reacting a certain way repeatedly, we create strong neural pathways in our brain that make it easier to continue to do so. At these same time, once a strong neural connection is established, it becomes more difficult to react in a different way (which would mean: thinking new thoughts, looking at a situation from a different angle, thus leading to a a new emotional response).
Conditioning: Society has trained us well to put labels onto everything. This is good. This is bad. Oftentimes, your emotional reaction seems to be predetermined by the mainstream, by what we “should feel” or the way “others would react to this”. If we don’t question it, we’ll blindly adopt this generic and unconscious approach to life.
Addicted to Emotions
The truth is, we become “addicted” to the emotions we regularly experience, even the negative ones. Not because we necessarily like them, but because they’re familiar to us. This can also be scientifically explained:
When we are triggered to feel very angry, anxious or sad by an unpleasant outside event (a perceived threat), we go into “fight or flight mode”, our brain’s response to acute stress. Our adrenal glands are stimulated to release stress hormones, we become highly alert, laser-focused, tensed. In this so-called “survival mode”, we’re unable to be creative or to come up with new solutions.
When such an experience becomes frequent or chronic, and it often does (just think of living in constant tension due to a difficult relationship with a family member), neural pathways are created accordingly and your mind-body memory is activated: your unconscious autopilot takes over. The unpleasant event you experienced will run on replay in your mind. As you’re fixating on the negative situation, you start noticing more things that confirm your theory. The next time you encounter a similar trigger, your brain will scan its memory bank within a split second and “propose” a similar reaction. We have therefore contributed to wiring our brain to access certain emotional patterns in response to certain triggers. Luckily, we know now that our brains can be re-wired (Neuroplasticity).
Breaking our Emotional Patterns
A lot of literature suggests that we attract our circumstances or the people in our lives and they will in turn trigger an emotion. Actually, we attract our EMOTIONS. And our circumstances or the people in our lives will merely trigger these familiar feelings in us. That’s why focusing on how we want to feel is so powerful – and yet, this will require us to do some deep, inner work on our limiting beliefs and stories in order to truly evoke different emotions in an intentional and sustainable way. A good coach can help you with this tremendously.
So, in order to break our emotional patterns we must:
A) Become aware of them. Take some time to truly introspect (keeping an open mind and a sense of curiosity as you do), to reflect, journal or meditate on the typical ways you respond to outside events emotionally. Also, analyze how others do. You’ll see that there is no one “normal” reaction to triggers, only highly individual ones.
B) Don’t resist what is. The emotions you’re experiencing in this present moment are what they are. Don’t reject them, don’t feel guilty or ashamed for feeling them. What we resist persists. But know, that these emotions will pass and that you can change your patterns in the future if you…
C) Take determined action. It takes about 21 one days to break a habit, neuroscientists estimate. This is also what it takes to weaken neural connections in your brain. By repeatedly doing something differently, the neural pathways you’ve previously established become less connected, and new pathways can be created. This is not a matter of genes or pre-disposition, it’s a fact that holds true for everyone. We are all capable of changing the way our brain is wired (Neuroplasticity) which is what will ultimately occur when we decide to adopt:
>>> New ways of thinking (questioning or replacing old stories, limiting beliefs) You can read my recent blog post about the power of thoughts and words Change Your Words, Change Your Life for more inspiration.
>>> New ways of interpreting outside stimuli (when A happens, it does not necessarily mean B. When I notice myself falling into this thinking trap, I ask myself out loud: “Says Who!?” To upgrade your habitual thinking and to become more resourceful and creative in your reactions and interpretations, please read and apply this mind hack: Camilla’s Counter-Thought
>>> New ways of feeling. You are not meant to be in a negative emotional state for pro-longed periods of time. And you don’t have to. You have a lot of power and tools in your hands to create better responses and produce more pleasant emotions (remember: become aware – accept the status quo – take determined action to change).
Emotions in a crossborder context
The emotions my clients experience as a result of their relocation to a different country vary, just like their motives and circumstances. In our sessions we spend much time deciphering them, getting to the root of them and becoming more intentional about the stories we tell ourselves and the emotions we want to feel as a consequence.
You might want to ask yourself: Q: What emotions are being triggered by my experience abroad? Q: When have I encountered these emotions before? Q: In what ways are these emotions a part of me, more than they are a part of the “general experience”?
Multilingualism as a Gateway to a Richer Emotional Experience
Have you noticed how certain words to describe a feeling cannot be properly translated into another language? Or how the “standard response” of your host culture to a potential trigger varies to your own? By learning new ways of expressing ourselves through more nuanced terms and by observing and mirroring different reactions, we can open ourselves up to new emotional experiences.
On the other hand, studies have shown that in cultures where a certain feeling can’t be described, its people won’t experience it either. Anthropologist Robert Levy coined the term “Hypocognition” to describe a society’s inability to exactly express a certain feeling or experience.
In German, for instance, there’s the common and sought after concept of “Gemütlichkeit” (a cozy feeling, state of being/doing or experience) – which, as I was made aware of my community, is similar to the Dutch word “gezellig” – both difficult to translate into other languages.
Then there’s “Schadenfreude” (the feeling of delighting over someone else’s misfortune) that can’t be properly translated either. Or think of “Wanderlust” – literally the desire to hike/walk, now internationally used to describe the desire to travel.
The Portuguese concept of “Saudade” (longing for something or someone who’s absent) cannot be properly translated either, as it’s something more than “missing something/someone” or “nostalgia”.
“Ya’aburnee” in Arabic describes one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how unbearable it would be to live without them.
“Toska” is Russian for “longing for something that’s missing but not knowing what it is”.
A fascinating discovery for me was, that in Tahitian culture there is no real expression for “sadness”. Instead, it’s described as a “flu-like fatigue” – can you imagine how that must impact the emotional experience they’ll have when something “sad” occurs!?
Emotions and the Mind-Body Connection
Finally, let’s not forget that our mind-body connection is undeniably strong. Prolonged, negative emotional states, such as chronic stress, depression, anxiety or resentment are linked to disease, as backed up by Science. Taking care of our emotional wellbeing, by doing inner work and making self-care (which is not to be confused with selfishness) a priority, will positively affect your psychological and physical health.
Emotions are also contagious, so by fostering positive ones whenever possible, we are not only serving ourselves but also our loved ones and society as a whole!
When one or both spouses live in a country (sometimes even city) that’s not their own, they are exposed to different circumstances and conditions, leading to a shift in their relationship dynamic. My clients are, in their vast majority, women who moved abroad for their significant other, and by doing that they’ve put themselves in a vulnerable position:
unconventional advice to make your relationship thrive abroad
They left their family and friends behind, who love and cheer for them; they’ve sacrificed jobs and careers, speaking in their native language (which is closely tied to our self-esteem), yes, in many cases even “blending in”. Essentially, they leave the life they’ve known behind for love. This can lead to a sense of loss of identity and safety and feeling lost, lonely and isolated. All of which will inevitably affect their relationship.
When your relationship is going through a rough patch while you’re far away from home, it’s harder to deal with. There’s an added sense of urgency to the situation, as your spouse is often the main reference for you abroad and thus, being a team is important.
So in this post I want to share 6 pieces of unconventional relationship advice that, quite possibly, no-one has ever told you. And yet, in my work with my clients, I found they work everytime! Ready? Let’s go:
1. If you want to improve your relationship, think about yourself first.
Us women have traditionally been taught that it’s selfish to take care of ourselves first and still many of us are struggling with feelings of guilt when we put our own needs above the ones of our family. So let me offer you a little reframe for this: it’s only when you have nurtured and taken care of yourself that you can truly nurture and take care of others.
We all have certain unresolved issues, baggage and insecurities. They come out at those times we overreact, those days on which we feel “not quite ourselves” and those moments we feel triggered, defensive and emotionally charged. Why? We might not know. But we expect our partner, our “other half”, to know how to deal with it and to make us feel good. In fact, we need our partner to be a certain way, to do and say certain things in order for us to feel loved and validated. This is essentially self-centered and leads to a very transactional and co-dependent kind of love, disappointments guaranteed.
Self-care has a lot to do with Self-Awareness: as you start to do inner work and grow more conscious and connected to yourself – to your thoughts and feelings, your triggers, your go-to reactions – you become more centered, less reactive. As you start to understand yourself better, you learn to understand the ones around you better, and you show up as a whole new, empowered version of yourself that doesn’t need your partner – or anyone for that matter – to fill up a hole inside of you.
Furthermore, you teach people how to love and treat you by the way you treat yourself. Knowing where your limits and boundaries are, for instance, is vital. If you’re not totally clear about yours and able to convey them to others, you will find others abusing them and you suffering as a consequence.
2. When something’s not working in your relationship abroad, focus on what IS working.
Sometimes we get so hung up on one very disturbing thing in our relationship that it really clouds the whole atmosphere and only distances us even more from our partner. In order to be able to overcome a challenge together, there needs to be love and respect, team spirit, intimacy, vulnerability and authenticity.
So if there’s a lingering, painful trigger that’s causing arguments and just won’t go away, I want to suggest to agree to disagree for the time being. Then, actively focus on the things that work well in your relationship and on making those better. Brainstorm the areas in your relationship that are going well, the activities you enjoy doing together and then do more of them, or do them in a more special way.
This way, you’re strengthening the bond to your spouse, creating happy memories and nurturing the relationship. Once you’ve increased or restored intimacy and team spirit, you can go back to that nagging issue and address it again. You’ll often find that the problem has miraculously improved by then anyway, sometimes even lost importance altogether.
3. If you want to grow closer, look at your partner as if you didn’t know him.
Have you ever gazed at your spouse from the other side of the room at a cocktail party, and all of a sudden remembered why you fell in love with him in the first place? Moving abroad and into a new environment can feel like that, too. Take a step back and curiously watch yourself and your partner as you adapt and evolve in your host country.
As I always say, this is one of the beauties of living abroad, because the standards you typically had for yourself and your family back home, become blurry. You stop comparing yourself so much to your peers, your husband to other husbands and your kids to other kids because the context is different!
This is a great opportunity to see things in yourself and in your family members you hadn’t seen before, and to grant each one the space to develop some new traits without being held back by previous labels.
This is also the time to create new traditions together, away from the shoulds and musts you may have encountered back home. What feels really good to you, as a couple and family? Think about it and put it in action!
4. If you want your partner to change, don’t ask him to.
Nagging your partner to change a certain behavior doesn’t work. But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with everything, after all, living together and sharing your life with one another requires some level of thoughtful consideration!
A much more effective way is to reinforce the good in your significant other, to look at him with benevolent and not critical eyes. It has been well documented that humans will work hard to uphold the positive image another has of them; whereas their motivation to make an effort decreases when they don’t feel valued by another.
So do call your partner out on what (you consider) he does well much more often than on what he doesn’t. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman talks about the “magic ratio”, according to which positive interaction should be 5 times as high as negative, in order to have a happy relationship.
This is especially important when you find yourself abroad and outside of your comfort zone, spending more time alone together than you might have back home (with friends and family nearby). Be kind to one another. Be generous with compliments. And watch what happens. I believe this is your best chance at inspiring positive change in your significant other.
5. If you want to work on your relationship abroad, don’t try everything.
In my work as a coach I’ve come across this statement several times: “I’ve tried everything. It’s hopeless.” To which I like to respond: “You’ve tried everything you could think of. But you haven’t tried what’s needed to create a change.”
When it comes to improving our relationships, we are likely to do the things that we’d personally appreciate ourselves. But our partner is not like us. It’s a completely different person, with different sensibilities, modalities and preferences. In order to get inside his mind and heart, be curious and put your detective’s hat on. (Disclaimer: As explained in Point 1, you need to know all of these things about yourself, first!)
What is it that your partner needs, even if it might seem “silly” to you? Finding out what his love language is, for instance, can be very revealing – you can read more about this in Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” or on www.5lovelanguages.com
What gestures, words and things make him feel loved, respected and happy?
What do you think are his main values? (E.g. someone who values Peacefulness will act and react very differently than someone who values Power)
Reflect on your happiest times together or on the beginning of your relationship. What’s changed? How are you treating him differently now than before?
Reflecting on these questions and observing your partner closely will give you important clues on how to most effectively bring about positive change in your relationship. You don’t need to try everything. Just the things that’ll really work!
6. Watch your thoughts – they CAN be read!
We tend to think that our thoughts are private and as a result may occasionally engage in a big and juicy internal rant about our significant other. “It’s not like I’d actually tell him that!” you might argue, but the truth is that our thoughts do matter and in a way, they can be read.
First of all, when we’re very close to someone and know them very well, we intuitively read between the lines. Body language, pauses, looks, the way in which a question is formed or the fact that it’s being asked at all… our thoughts are being transmitted to the other, even if our words say something else.
Secondly, repeatedly thinking negative thoughts about a person or incident creates a negative, energetic charge that will manifest in your behavior. You intensify the negative feelings associated to your partner by dedicating so much time to stew over them, even if only in your mind. This will not go unnoticed and make you feel even worse about the situation, causing you to feel more stressed about it. In such a state of mind, it becomes difficult to come up with constructive and creative solutions and you’ll likely feel stuck.
And thirdly, we must not forget that our view of our relationship and of our partner is just that: our view of it. It may seem very real, it may hurt and it may affect you profoundly. But there are many different sides to any story. There is no one, absolute truth – much rather, a bunch of “subjective, co-existing realities”. By feeding your mind with your side of the story only, you make it very difficult to see other aspects to it, to see the positive or even the exceptions in your spouse’s behavior.
So be careful about how you think of your significant other daily and regularly. Because thoughts become things, and they can be read. (Read more about the Power of Words here)
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I hope these unconventional tips will help you to create a positive change in your relationship and to overcome the struggles you’re facing as a couple abroad! Feel free to contact me in case of any questions and let me know how these tips are working out for you!
How to raise bilingual children successfully (according to the experts)
A few weeks ago I attended a conference on bilingualism, held by Kay Gonzalez, a renowned Linguistics Professor and Researcher. It was extremely interesting and insightful! Being a parent to bilingual children and a multilingual individual myself, I’ve been compiling facts and advice on this topic through literature and conversations with professionals and parents in the field. In this blog post, I’m excited to be able to share my take-aways with you!
Defining ‘bilingual’
Two of the most commonly referred-to definitions for that term, that resonate with me are:
A bilingual person has a native like control of 2 languages.
(Leonhard Bloomfield)
A bilingual person has the practice of alternatively using two languages.
(Uriel Weinreich)
Forget about Grammar
Anyone who’s ever learnt a foreign language has definitely struggled with mastering the grammar. Well, according to the latest research, “grammar” does not exist from our brain’s viewpoint. Our brain processes a language by two means: 1) Merge (combining words) 2) Concord (evaluating if they’re a good match.)
Therefore, what we really need to do in order to speak another language is to learn the words (vocabulary) and its traits. For instance: Word: go Trait: I / you; + to = I / you go to…
Linguists agree that the traditional lecture-style approach to teaching a language does not work, as the information we receive is processed by the brain’s central module but cannot pass through to the language center. So, even though you might learn a language lecture style, it will result in lots of thinking, mental word by word translations and difficulties to engage in a flowing and fluent conversation.
How to learn a language effectively
To truly learn a language we need to expose ourselves to it, to live and breath in it, to experience it. There are two fundamental learning factors to be taken into account:
INPUT: hearing the language as much as possible.
OUTPUT: trying and learning to speak it (by trial and error)
Both elements are crucial, and if one is missing the language cannot be acquired on an advanced level.
In case you’re wondering: this is why watching TV in order to learn a second language doesn’t work (unless it’s used to reinforce a language your children are already exposed to in real life). TV only delivers input, and a passive one at that: we’re not required to respond at any time so the way we listen is different compared to the way we listen to a person in a conversation. The Output element is inexistent here, therefore a language cannot be acquired on an advanced level simply by watching TV.
Acquiring a native level
According to Kay Gonzalez a child learns a language on a native level when it’s exposed to it 25% of their waking time. For a child that would mean about 3 hours a day of full immersion in this language. In addition, the child should ideally be in contact with more than 3 native speakers of that language (to be exposed to various ways of speaking it and not limited by one person’s pronunciation or vocabulary).
I found that a super interesting piece of information that clarified my personal doubt about raising children with more than 2 languages. Yes, of course it’s possible – but the question is how many hours a day and how many native speakers you have available to pass a language onto your child. For instance, if a grandmother sees the child twice a week for 2 hours and speaks in a different language – the child may become familiar with it, but definitely not reach a native level.
I also asked a burning question of mine, which is: “How important is it, that the child receives the input by a (near) native speaker?” To which Mr. Gonzalez confirmed what I was thinking: the way a language is transmitted to a child is the way it learns it, even if on a first language level. He gave an example of a Spanish couple he knew who decided to speak to their child in (non-native) English only. The child grows up as a “native English speaker”, having been primarily exposed to this language in his home and with his primary care-givers; however, this “native English” features a Spanish accent and certain imperfections.
Stronger / weaker language
Despite being bilingual, many children will develop a stronger and a weaker language. In the first years, the language of the primary caregiver is usually the strong language in which the child commences to speak. When children go to school, they’re very likely to adopt the language of their teachers and peers as their strong language.
Strong and weak languages can also vary over time; for instance, after spending a summer immersing themselves in their “weaker language”’s country and culture, they might come back seemingly having forgotten their “strong language”. (This is completely normal and doesn’t say anything about the command of their strong language, however, confirms a deeper understanding and command of their “weaker one”.)
Do’s & Don’ts for raising bilingual children
DO NOT:
Switch languages. One parent, one language. This is the recipe for success but sometimes overlooked. It’s okay for a parent to abandon their native language in a social context, however, the direct communication between parent and child should always be held in the same language (an exception here are multilingual children, where a parent wants to transmit two languages to a child)
Correct your child. This can make them feel insecure and frustrated about communicating in that language. A better approach is to respond to what the child was trying to say, subtly paraphrasing it or giving a more suitable alternative for an expression – without drawing attention to the error.
Force your child to speak in your language if it doesn’t want to, BUT continue to speak it to them anyway. Children and teens will go through phases and might reject your language (often, to fit in well with their peers – a completely normal part of their development) but they’ll eventually thank you for not giving up on their second language.
Create a negative connotation for a language (for instance: language A is only used when mommy’s mad)
Talk disrespectfully about their second language or culture (whether it’s your spouse’s or the school’s)
DO:
Foster relationships to family members who speak the language, contact them, tell stories, and if possible meet with them regularily.
Look for fun activities or friends to strengthen their second language.
Read and write in the “weaker language”: When your child goes to school it learns to read and write in the language of education; encourage them to practice reading and writing in their second language also (e.g. letters, e-mails or text messages to friends and family abroad…).
Transmit the language’s culture: languages open the doors to the cultures in which they’re spoken. Make sure your kids have access to your culture. Cook traditional food and have them help you, listen to music (ideally: that they’ll enjoy) in your native tongue. Take them to a cultural fare or exhibition by an artist from your native country…
Take trips to your home country so that your children can create real memories, connections and friendships there!
I hope you got lots of valuable information out of this article! Do you have any more tips for raising bilingual children? Please share them below in the comments!
7 Ways to Develop and Cultivate your “Inner Happy Place”
If you’ve been following me around, you’ll have come across this expression several times: “Inner Happy Place”… but what the heck does this mean?
Don’t worry, it’s a legitimate question. After all, I invented the term one afternoon in my living room back in Vienna/Austria, while I was video-calling my sister in Sydney.
At the time I was mentally preparing myself for (yet another) international relocation. Quite frankly, in the stage of my life I was in, this could have been really hard on me – everything indicated that it should be!
But I had made a determined decision to make the best of it. To see it as a blessing in disguise and an opportunity for growth. And once I made that decision there was no alternative way of being anymore.
In the months and years prior to this event, I had already committed myself to my own personal and spiritual development, applying many helpful tools I had learnt or come up with alonge the way. As I spent more and more time with myself and my mind, I noticed becoming more grounded within myself.
“You are already at home, within yourself”
Despite the upcoming move, that would mean: giving up my established career, saying goodbye to my family, friends and the home I felt so happy in, I was becoming more calm and peaceful inside. It was almost like something whispering from within me: “Don’t you worry. Everything is going to be alright. No matter where you go, you are already at home within yourself.”
And that’s what I was telling my sister on the phone when she asked me how I felt about our upcoming move. How I felt this deep connection to myself, this inner calm… like an internal, tight embrace. It felt so good, so empowering, so trustworthy and real: “I’ve found my inner happy place.”
And you can find yours, too. When you do, you’ll be able to meet whatever challenges and transitions you’re facing in your life from a place of internal stability, wholeness and consciousness. And even though you might lose it from time to time, you’ll be able to go back to that place. Because once you’ve found it, you can’t go back to not knowing it’s there. That’s the beauty of it.
In this post I want to share the 7 habits that helped me develop that state of mind:
1. Growing Self-Aware – the pathway to accessing your Inner Happy Place
Do you know who you are away from all the noise? Do you know what things really make you happy and what others trigger you to feel bad?
Knowing your authentic self is crucial. If you don’t, you might be living your life with shackles on your hands, which your culture, family, peers or society have imposed on you. You’ll act in a way and react to things without really understanding why. You might be sabotaging yourself – by procrastinating, making the wrong choice over and over again, by maintaining destructive habits – and not even realizing it. You follow the “rules” of others blindly, wondering why you feel so empty and lost inside. Why you can’t seem to live up to the expectations of others or why, if you do, it doesn’t fill you with joy.
It’s probably because you haven’t really gotten in touch with your authentic self. Coaching is an amazing way of becoming more self-aware and growing more connected. Getting to reflect deeply on things with the help of a professional who’ll ask you the right questions is priceless. Everyone should have a coach – I work with them, too!
As I always say, once you know something you can’t go back to not knowing. Investing in truly getting to know yourself is probably the most important thing you’ll ever do. And I promise you that it won’t only benefit yourself but also the way you show up, connect and contribute to each and every person around you!
2. Upgrade your Thoughts and Words
Thoughts are really just words we say to ourselves. And in case you didn’t know, any emotion is preceded by a thought, no matter how fleeting or unconscious. The things we say (think) to ourselves over and over again can actually have a hypnotic effect on us and become deeply ingrained in our subconsciousness. Furthermore, a simply thought can induce a biochemical reaction in our body.
So getting to know our thought patterns and upgrading them is a vital tool for self mastery! I have written about this extensively in another blog post: Change Your Words, Change Your Life – check it out!
3. Change the Storyline
The way we experience the world and any given situation feels so real to us. And yet, there are other people who look at the same world, the same situation or person – and have completely different thoughts about it! How can this be??
Fact is, there is no “reality”. Only the stories each and everyone tell ourselves about it. This stories are informed by the way we were raised, our many, different experiences, society, culture, religion etc. We tend to cling to our version of reality, because this gives us a feeling of safety and stability. And yet… it really is just a story. And therefore a choice in how we WANT to look at the world.
The scientific explanation behind this points to our brain’s reticular activating system (RAS). It is responsible for filtering what we focus on and for scanning our surroundings for proof that will validate what we already believe and anticipate.
That’s why, if you believe that others can’t be trusted, you’ll probably experience that they really can’t. Or if you believe that you’re never going to be successful, you’ll probably find plenty of ways to proof to you that you can’t. Quite certainly there are many things in your life that indicate the opposite, but it’s hard to see them when your brain is wired not to.
The problem is that we don’t notice our RAS in action. Our underlying beliefs, which it diligently seeks to validate, run on autopilot in our subconsciousness. Most limiting beliefs are formed in our childhood and are very likely to be simplified perceptions or even completely outdated protection mechanisms that we don’t need anymore as adults. But if we’re unaware of what’s happening, we’ll think that “this is simply the way it is”.
One tool that has helped me tremendously to overcome disempowering story-telling – and that I practice with my clients – is my Counter-Thought Exercise (read about it here). It’s a clever and fun way to break your patterns, to grow more resourceful and creative and start writing a much more empowering script for your life!
4. Gratitude
Oh gratitude… This really is one of the best habits you can possibly develop and once you do, you’ll never want to go without it.
There’s a real magic to acknowledging and appreciating things in your life on a regular basis – I encourage my clients to set triggers to remind them to give thanks. For instance, do you have a habit of pressing the Snooze Button when it’s time to get up in the morning? No worries, let me show you how to actually put this button to great use: in the minutes left until the next alarm goes of, think of a few things you’re grateful for – big and small. This is not only a healthy habit with a powerful ripple effect to be noticed within days – its also a great way to start the day!
Dr. David Hawkins was able to assign our emotions an energetic frequency and Gratitude is among the highest calibrating ones. That means that when you feel deeply grateful, your personal energetic frequency is highly elevated. You can’t be grateful and grumpy or mean at the same time, it doesn’t work.
5. Choosing Love over Judgement
In a I’ve introduced you to my model “Lover Mode” versus “Judger Mode”. When you’re in Lover Mode you’re open, constructive, resourceful and empathic. A great pre-requisite to come up with effective solutions to any challenge, to think outside the box, to be motivated and inspired.
On the other hand, when we’re in Judger Mode we’re crtitical, harsh, thinking in terms of blame, we’re intolerant and look at situations with a tunnel vision. We want to win and be right.
I’d like to take this concept a step further here and ask you this: Whenever you chose Judger over Lover Mode in the past, did you feel happier? Did it make you feel light, cheerful, free and expansive or rather heavy, grim and tensed? Did you feel more connected to yourself and others, or rather separate, scared to show your vulnerability, to loose your face or to trust others.
Could it be that we only think that we should adopt the Judger mindset in order to supposedly shield us from pain? But actually, the fact that we’re pulling away, judging and grudging is what’s causing us even more pain?
In my life, I certainly never regretted meeting people with love and kindness… I have regretted doing the opposite.
6. Growing your “Spiritual Muscles”
Whether you call yourself religious or spiritual… believing in a higher power can provide you with a lot of meaning and make you see life events as parts of a greater, spiritual journey.
Faith and spirituality have always been central to me. No matter your personal background and preferences, I’d like to encourage you to spend some time with this topic, reading religious or spiritual texts and noticing what touches your heart, what brings joy to your spirit and what you feel most drawn to.
Personally, I believe that the approach many people traditionally had to religion is outdated and very “human” – not “God-like”: using religion to separate from others, using it as an excuse to judge, criticise, even harm others, or to hide behind a wall of “morals” in order for their humanity and vulnerability not to show. This has got to be the last thing God desires.
Faith and spirituality can and shall make us feel so enriched, so loved, and so guided. Let’s make sure we keep it that way!
7. Meditation and Mindfulness:
You don’t have to sit in lotus pose for an hour in order to experience the benefits of meditation or mindfulness. Nowadays, there are great, short, guided meditations that can help you turn inwards and reap its benefits.
If meditating doesn’t “call out your name”, then try taking a few minutes from time to time to simply be mindful. To be fully present in the moment.
If you’re fully present in any situation in your life, you can give your mind a break from past events entering your thoughts, and the pain, anger or regret you may associate them with. Neither do you let the future step into it, in the form of stress, worry or anxiety. Give your full self and your attention to whatever it is you’re doing in that moment.
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These were the seven habits and strategies I applied and that helped me unfold that beautiful state of mind I refer to as our inner happy place. It made such a big difference in my life and in the way I respond to challenges, and I’m certain it will do the same for you. Do let me know!
Update: Years after writing this post, the Elephant Journal published an article I wrote about my personal journey towards finding my Inner Happy Place. Read it here.
My (not-so) Secret Formula to Happiness – Wherever You’re Based
Have you noticed how these days, people always want to convince you that they have the secret formula to your heart’s desires? Be it losing weight, finding love, earning more money or settling in abroad. Headlines like “Do these 5 things and you’ll ___” or “How to get ___ in 10 days” surely catch our attention.
Now, while I might be guilty of playing around with such catchy titles as well (and of buying into such promises myself, purchasing all kinds of things that sometimes worked and oftentimes didn’t) it’s a phenomenon that’s made me wonder:
Is there a secret shortcut to happiness?
And what does it say about us that we’d rather spend our time looking for the “miracle cure” out there, than to roll up our sleeves and start doing the things that will ultimately get us the desired results (such as: eating less, working out more, spending more wisely, creating passive income channels etc)?
Could it be that we’re just distracting ourselves, acting busy, because it’s too painful to admit how badly we want certain things, and how scared we are of not getting them – simply because we have no clue how to go about it?
The answer is that producing long-lasting changes and improvements in your life requires work. First and foremost internal mindset work. Albert Einstein said: “You cannot solve a problem with the same mind(set) that created it” and this also applies to improving your current situation and quality of life.
You can’t find outside what’s not within
One thing I’ve always wanted really bad is to feel like I “belonged”. To be part of a close-knit group, kind of like having a seat reserved on the FRIENDS couch. I’m truly blessed with a number of incredible friendships, many of them cultivated since childhood and many others acquired along my journey.
But moving around so much made it harder to maintain that feeling of belonging to a group and a place. As a matter of fact, that sense of safety was shattered and replaced by the exciting tickle of novelty every time I started from scratch in a new environment.
For a long time I looked outside to feel safe, seen and integrated. Until I realized that if I wasn’t able to produce those feelings inside of me and for myself, no-one and nothing else could make me feel them either.
Are you living in a House of Cards?
If your emotional wellbeing depends solely on outside factors, you’re living in a house of cards. This leaves you in a very weak and unstable position – even more so when you’re in the adventurous process of building a new life abroad: a fight with your husband, the bitchy attitude of a waiter, an old friend not keeping in touch or a new friend ditching the date you were so looking forward to, are enough to seriously disturb you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and seen by the people we like and love, as long as our inner foundation is solid. The difference is that in the examples above, outside factors control our inner peace; we’re looking outward to feel worthy and complete. But what we need to do is to meet eye to eye with others from a place of being whole and complete already.
Only then, our interactions with others won’t be transactions (“If you give me this I’ll give you that”; or: “I’ll be happy and nice as long as you……”). Only then, our interactions won’t be motivated by the need to feel approved of and affirmed. They will be pure, gratifying and enjoyable for both parties. And if they aren’t, they won’t cause you so much pain anymore; you’ll be able to shake them off, bless them and let them go.
The “Inner Happy Place” Mindset
In my work with expat wives and women who moved abroad longterm for love, I refer to this concept as creating your inner happy place: it’s building that solid foundation within ourselves, that inner peace, contentment and wholeness, on which we can build everything else on – our family, our friendships, career and so forth. Not because we need them to complete us but because we truly want them to complement our lives.
If our emotional container is flawed, anything added there by others or outside factors (love, joy, compliments, new opportunities etc) will seep through. It’s like wanting flowers to grow on infertile ground. That ground is our mindset, and we’re responsible for it. Only when we take care of our inner garden, seeds can sprout and flowers blossom.
And only when we’ve found our inner happy place we’ll feel at home, safe and loved within ourselves. That’s the perfect foundation for building our lives on.
My Secret Formula to Happiness
Unfortunately I don’t have a shortcut to happiness to sell you, but I do believe to have the secret formula! It’s one that has worked for me personally and for many other women I’ve worked with. I’m confident that it will work for you, too. It does require a sincere effort and total commitment to growth, stepping out of your comfort zone and the willingness to transcend to the next level!
At the core of my approach lies your inner happy place. This is the state of mind we’re ultimately after, this is what I want to enable you to develop and then carry with you forever, wherever you go. This will not only make your world so much brighter, but also light up the people around you.
“But how do I get to that place?”, you might wonder. I’ll help you get there by building and strengthening 4 essential pillars in your life:
4 Pillars for a Fulfilled Life – wherever you are
1. Radical Self-Love and Acceptance
Do you know who you are away from all of the noise? Away from the shoulds and musts? Do you know what you truly desire and aspire in life? Do you understand why certain things and people trigger you, and others don’t?
Becoming self-aware is key to living a prosperous and joyful life. If you lack self-love and acceptance, it will negatively affect all other areas in your life. But self-love can be trained and fostered. It’s never to late to start a deep friendship, yes even a love affair with yourself 😉
2. Resilience and Resourcefulness
These two traits are essential for life mastery. Life consists of ups and downs, we all face different challenges from time to time. But by training yourself to become more resilient in times of despair and more creative and resourceful when trying to find solutions, you will quickly reap the benefits!
As human beings we long to feel connected. We need love like the air we breathe – it’s no surprise that having loving relationships is directly linked to our health, longevity and overall wellbeing. But at the same time, our intimate relationships can cause us so much pain and bring out the worst in us…
That’s why my approach to creating a beautiful relationship and family life focuses heavily on increasing your consciousness, resourcefulness and self-awareness, as the solid basis for marital/family bliss.
4. Meaning and Purpose
I’m convinced that we’re all here on Earth for a unique purpose, with a unique mission. Figuring this out and taking the steps to live according to your deepest values and goals is crucial for a fulfilled life. It’s like the engine that will drive each and every action of yours, and the compass that will gear them into the right direction. When starting a new life abroad, engaging in meaningful activities is especially important.
In the coming weeks I will write about each of these 4 Pillars in more detail, stay tuned 🙂
Meanwhile if you’re interested in diving deeper into this topic, doing 4 Pillar Work with me and in discovering your Inner Happy Place, click here:
Raising little nomads and thriving abroad (Interview with Flor García)
Today I have the enormous pleasure of interviewing Flor García, a charismatic Venezuelan native, expat wife, cultural trainer, speaker and woman behind the popular blog “Little Nómadas”. She tells us about her experiences living abroad, raising three little nomads, as she calls them, and shares valuable advice on how to thrive overseas.
Flor García
CQ: Tell us a little bit about your family’s international journey.
FG: We are a family of five traveling around the world and learning about new cultures along the way. Dad and the kids were born in the United States and I was born in Venezuela.
In 2002 my husband and I got married in Fort Worth, Texas and lived there until 2014. Those were challenging times raising three children, my husband attending university, reinventing my career while integrating ourselves to another culture. We matured so much in those years!
In 2014 we moved to Germany due to my husband’s new job and we started an exciting adventure learning a third language, getting to know the German culture and driving around Europe.
CQ: What’s one valuable thing you’ve learned in each of these destinations?
FG: I guess there is so much I have learned all these years. In the United States, I learned to be more independent. My family and friends were far away and I found myself raising kids, studying, and getting to know my way overseas without their support. So I had to redefine what “being independent” meant to me at that time and the way I would have to face challenges by myself with the love and understanding of my husband.
In Germany, I discovered that being curious is a key factor to meet new people and adapt faster to a new culture. I’m always curious and motivated to know more about diversity. I could also add “don’t take anything personal”. People react accordingly to their experiences, cultural background and knowledge of others; unless it is a blunt racist comment, those “not so nice” reactions are most of the time based on that person’s beliefs and they have nothing to do with you.
CQ: What are your definitions for the much-used terms “Third Culture Kids” and “Global Citizens”?
FG: To me a Third Culture Kid or TCK is a child that grows up exposed to two or more cultures. Usually this exposure comes from years spent abroad or multicultural families. When I think about a Global Citizen, my mind pictures a person who is comfortable everywhere he or she goes. A person who is curious about other countries and their cultures and isn’t afraid of leaving their comfort zone to explore the world.
CQ: “Identity” has been a very rigid concept in the past, one that doesn’t fit for many people nowadays – certainly not for third culture kids and global citizens. What does “identity” mean to you and how would you propose we teach this concept to our multicultural children?
FG: In my opinion identity is such a broad and flexible term. I think that today’s world claims a broader and much more adjustable definition of “identity”. To me “identity” involves affections, belonging, values, memories and history, and for multicultural children these principles might translate into belonging to more than one physical place, loving people in different countries, interacting with diverse cultures and having as a foundation the values of a multicultural background and upbringing.
How to promote a well rounded identity in multicultural children? Let’s encourage curiosity, reading about other people’s traditions, reinforce our own culture and love the possibility of calling “home” more than one place. We usually describe our children’s identity as a colorful mosaic!
FG: For us it is very important to keep our children connected to their roots. We usually expose our kids to Venezuelan traditions: music, food, literature and history. We promote American traditions at home as well, specially Texan music and food.
However, it is equally relevant to learn about our destination country to create a sense of belonging. For that we explore our new surroundings, read a lot about the history of that place in particular (this helps to explain the locals’ behaviors and customs) and volunteer at the local church to meet new people. I think that once you accept the fact that your family’s identity will be multicultural, it’s easier to balance diversity as part of our own individual identities. Go with the flow, don’t resist!
CQ: Shared traditions can create a very strong bond between people. What are your most treasured family traditions?
FG: To guarantee some continuity during transition due to moving abroad, we have and nurture some traditions at home. They are our commonalities in the middle of so much diversity. We love to play board games on Sunday afternoon, have pancakes and Venezuelan style eggs (Perico) on Saturday and we always spend Christmas with relatives. I think these shared traditions constitute the base of our global family.
CQ: What has been the most difficult part of “nomadic life” for you?
FG: I think the most difficult part of our nomadic life has been missing out on family and friends events. It is sad to miss birthdays, weddings, graduation, and other important milestones that our relatives are celebrating or going through far away from us.
CQ: What advice can you give to women and families struggling with expat life and raising third culture kids?
FG: Many women contact me on a regular basis asking me about happiness overseas. My advice is always the same: accept the fact that at this precise moment you and your family have to live there. Don’t fight it. Review the reasons that pushed you to make the decision to move abroad and embrace your reality.
Once we stop wasting our money and energy fighting against the fact that we are living far away from home, we start concentrating on creating a new life, falling in love with the host country and emotionally growing as citizens of the world. You have to give yourself the chance to enjoy change!
CQ: You’re a cultural language trainer, tell us about the work you do:
FG: Since 2011 I teach the Spanish language and Latina culture to children and adults in both the United States and Germany. I am a speaker and a writer and I give Intercultural Communication seminars to expat families. I am crazy in love with my cultural background and my mother tongue, therefore being a language and cultural trainer has become my dream job!
FG: I think my passion for traveling around the world has allowed me to visit amazing places and get to know interesting people. It is important to me that my husband and I pass this passion of being “on the move” to our children who are growing to become citizens of the world or Little Nómadas like we call them.
But to be able to appreciate diversity we also need to focus on our own culture and biases, therefore exposure to Venezuelan roots is a key element of our children’s upbringing.
Sadly Venezuela’s current critical situation doesn’t allow us to visit frequently and stay there for longer periods of time. But I trust that sooner than later freedom and peace will come to all of those Venezuelan families that suffer because of the ambition and corruption of the government for the last twenty years. My biggest wish is to retire in one of Venezuela’s beautiful beaches! I miss the blue Caribbean Sea so much!
CQ: How can we help Venezuela?
FG: One of the things I admire the most about Venezuelans is their resilience and effective way of handling difficult situations. The humanitarian crisis suffered by our country has allowed people to show their best intentions. Solidarity is a value well shown by every Venezuelan that works for those in need.
Personally, I have dear friends and family members who are actively involved in amazing initiatives to help fellow Venezuelans. Please, take a minute to check out these links below and choose the right cause to support. I guarantee that your donations will reach children and adults in extreme poverty suffering the horrible consequences of government corruption and economic disaster.
Feeling homesick is often a faithful companion of expat life… There are so many things you treasure that you’ve left behind, in your home country or a previous destination. The food, traditions, weather, being able to speak in your native tongue, healthcare, public services and, of course, your loved ones.
I feel you. And so let me outline 8 STEPS to overcome homesickness. (To make this a little more fun, the 8 points spell out homesick so that you can easily remember them!)
Home Sweet Home
Do you like coming ‘home’ to your current address? Just because you may not live there forever does not mean you can’t and shouldn’t invest in making the place cozy and welcoming.
Even if you’re renting a furnished house, you can still move stuff around and arrange it differently, placing some additional, personal touches here and there.
You might even want to research and apply Feng Shui techniques for an optimal energy flow.
Make sure there is at least one feel-good-spot that you feel drawn to. A place where you enjoy sitting down with your favorite beverage, where you feel inspired to work, or from where you call up your loved ones.
Personally, I’m a huge fan of having fresh flowers around the house – that makes me feel very much “at home”.
Once you’ve cozied up the place, the mood and energy of your physical home, you will feel so much better and peaceful there emotionally. (Oh, and your whole family will appreciate it, too!)
Optimism
I know it’s hard to see the glass half full when it’s so clearly half empty, right!? And yet, Optimism and constructive thinking are muscles you can train and strengthen. This is important for everyone, but particularly for Expat Women.
Have a look at my article on the Counter-Thought Excercise (click here), a powerful mind training that will help you grow more resourceful and constructive.
While it’s totally normal for expat women to feel homesick, we don’t want this feeling to take control over you. There’s a reason you moved abroad and there’s a higher purpose in you living there. What could that be for you?
Monotony Be Gone
Monotony is a killer of joy and creativity and therefore has to be eliminated! If you don’t find your current daily routine inspiring, it’s time to think about how to change that:
What’s missing in the way you spend your days? And how can you add more of that?
Which of the things you do day in day out are simply not working for you, draining your energy?
How could you make your daily tasks and chores more exciting?
I dare you to come up with 100 answers to the above questions 😉 Way to elevate your expat life!
Engage
… in meaningful activities, that grant you a feeling of purpose, significance and accomplishment. It’s not enough to just be occupied – whether that’s at a job you’re over-qualified for, or going from Zumba to Pilates and back.
You need to feel like you’re making a difference in some way, that what you do is meaningful and feel good about your achievements at the end of the week.
If you lack that, you run the risk of developing Boreout, a disorder caused by chronic mental underload that leads to a persistent lack of motivation and interest, to frustration, lethargy and in some cases even depression.
Few things beat the power of friendships, of connecting to people, or having a heart to heart talk with someone you care about…
When you move abroad you have to be open-minded when meeting new people. Don’t be too selective or hold them to the standards of friends in a previous country. If you give others the benefit of the doubt and a chance and get to know them, you might be surprised!
Have you already researched all the places worth seeing in your new area? Where could you spend next Sunday and where could you be taking your next trip to? What restaurant might you go to for your next date night? What activities could you sign your kids up for?
There’s so much to research and investigate in a new country – you can even combine this task with socializing, by asking locals and expats for their advice. A great way to break the ice… 😉
Of course, you could also spend this investigation time researching business ideas, courses and so forth. Expat life brings new adventures and opportunities into your orbit – don’t miss them!
Coaching
If you’re struggling with your life abroad, a professional coach can be of tremendous help to you.
In contrast to a good friend, a coach will listen to you profoundly, with no agenda other than to understand what you are going through and what you need to feel better, providing you with the tools, strategies and skills to get you there.
While there are commonalities, every person and every situation is unique so there is no one fit solution for everyone – what matters is to find yours!
A coach will be by your side and guide you towards your goals and hold you accountable on your way to getting there.
Last but not least, make sure to stay in regular contact with folks back home! Schedule your dates with them and choose video and audio over messages, if possible. Even if they can’t fully relate to your new life, tell them about it, and make sure you take interest in their lives (even if they themselves consider them “ordinary” in comparison to yours). Insist and ask questions, you want to be among the people they can count on to share their problems, even though you’re far away.
Maintaining your connections back home will provide you with a sense of belonging and roots, which can keep you grounded in difficult and lonely times abroad.
However: You also want to be present in your host country, so don’t close yourself off to new friendships, even though they may take some time to blossom.
I sincerely hope these tips will help you to feel better when homesickness strikes!
Just remember: Home Sweet Home Optimism Monotony Be Gone Engage Socialize Investigate Coaching Keep in Touch
What do you do feel better? Drop me a comment below and let me know!
In the midst of the busyness of moving to a different country, it’s easy to get carried away by the seemingly most urgent demands. As a consequence, you might wake up one day feeling lonely, disconnected, frustrated and bored with your new life.
The 8 simple and yet crucial steps I outline below will help you to make the most out of your relocation experience and to set yourself up for success for your life abroad!
1. Get out there!
Make sure you become an expert on your new city and surroundings and keep an open mind while doing so. Get to know the different areas and districts, the sights, restaurants and so forth.
I personally love taking long walks through different neighbourhoods and just observing… how do the locals act, dress and talk? What do they like to do and where do they like to go? If you can get a local to show you around and give you insider tips – even better! And if you don’t have anyone available, a good travel guide or blog and facebook groups of your new city can give you great insight. I’m sure you’ll find some hidden gems and treasures!
But also, look for potential substitutes for the places you frequented back home. Coffee houses, parks and playgrounds, gyms, art galleries, movie theaters, supermarkets offering international products… or simply a neighborhood with a special vibe that you relate to. Once you’ve really gotten to know your city, you won’t run out of places to go and will feel much more secure and versatile.
2. Learn the language
If you’re lucky, you already speak the local language (or one of them). But if you don’t, making an effort to learning it will not go unrewarded!
Being able to understand the signs around you, to buy and order things and to participate in conversations is priceless. It also makes connecting to locals so much easier – plus, when you go to your next destination you’ll have another skill to add to your CV or list of accomplishments!
Of course there are some very intimidating languages out there and you might feel that you’ll never be able to speak it well, let alone fluently. Still, language is the gateway to culture: Have you ever noticed how differently words and expressions are used and phrased, depending on the language and culture? Those are valuable clues and will help you to better grasp the people and life in your new home.
3. Connect with both, locals and expats
Whether you consider yourself an extrovert or an introvert, human beings innately long for connection and so building a network of contacts is a crucial step. Make an effort to introduce yourself and have a short conversation with colleagues, neighbors, parents at the playground or at school or other people you see regularly.
Often, one of your friends will know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone that happens to live in your new country. Definitely reach out to them and see if you can connect or meet new people through them. Befriending locals will grant you a unique insight into their culture and lifestyle, making it easier to adapt and accept the way of doing things around there. Making local friends has always been a priority for me and I can only recommend that strategy!
Finally, look for an expat community – contact your embassy, a cultural institute, language course, international schools etc. It’s nice to be able to connect to people of a similar background, to reminisce and vent from time to time. Most importantly, to lend support – they’re in the same position as you and so intensive and gratifying friendships can emerge.
Both, local and expat friends and acquaintances will provide value to your life abroad, so once you’ve found them, treasure them!
4. Nurture your friendships back home
Now that you’ve connected with people in your new home, I’d like to emphasize on the importance of staying in touch with your friends and family back home (or in previous destinations). It has never been easier to do that with such a multitude of call, video and messaging service at our disposal.
Hearing/seeing loved and familiar voices/faces can give you an incredible boost of positive energy at times when you’re feeling a little low or lonely. It’s also a way to remain close to your loved ones, reminding them that you’re there for them even though you might be far away. Good friends are like stars, they say; you can’t always see them but you know they’re there.
I encourage you to be proactive! Schedule “dates” with your friends in advance – life can get very busy for all of us, so it’s best not to leave it up to chance.
5. Strengthen the bond to your spouse
Whether you moved with or to your partner… chances are you’ve made some sacrifices and probably find yourself in the more vulnerable situation.
It’s easy to feel like your partner’s responsible for it and raise your expectations in him to become a “substitute” for your family, friends and work back home (or at a previous destination). As human and understandable as that is, it would be impossible for your significant other to live up to that expectation.
My coaching tip? When you find yourself in this kind of emotional situation in your relationship, it’s often better to focus on making the things that already work well in your relationship BETTER, instead of focusing on (and thus intensifying) the conflicts. There certainly are activities you love to do together: Dinners a deux, trips and excursions, a shared hobby… I encourage you to do more of them in this phase! Have more fun doing them or do them in a more special way.
Sometimes all it takes is to strengthen the bond in order to release the knots.
6. Take time to engage in a meaningful activity for yourself
Moving abroad keeps you busy in all kinds of ways. You’ve probably had to organize and supervise a million things, learn about the new way of life and requirements on site, making sure you and your family settle in and are off to a good start in your new country. Maybe you are already working and are absorbed by the daily tasks…
It’s easy to get carried away by these thing and to focus on everything and everyone else but yourself. That’s why finding something that gives you a sense of purpose and joy is so important!
You might consider taking a course, learning to play an instrument, doing charity work, joining a book club or starting your own business… any activity that you look forward to, that means something to you and that puts you in a state of “flow”, allowing you to forget everything else for a little while, will do the trick!
7. Become your own best friend
This is always important, but especially when you’re creating a life away from your home and loved ones! Here are my 3 steps to becoming your own best friend:
i. GET TO KNOW YOURSELF PROFOUNDLY
Do you know what exactly triggers you to feel angry or sad? Do you know why? Why else? Do you know what you really want and crave from the bottom of your heart? What things, people and activities are good for you and which ones are not? Are you filling your days with things and people that don’t actually make you feel good or that aren’t aligned with your true purpose? What would be a better way to spend your time?
These are some important questions to figure out. If we don’t truly know ourselves, we can never live up to our full potential! A good life coach can tremendously help you to get clear on all of these – and many more – questions, thus increasing the quality of your life significantly.
ii. BE KIND TO YOURSELF *
Moving abroad is a serious life change and may confront you with all kinds of different emotions and thoughts. It’s a time to be particularly kind to yourself.
Take time to notice how you talk to yourself inside your head. What words do you chose? How do you react when you mess up? Do you forgive yourself for your mistakes or weaknesses? If not, please stop right here and choose again. You are a unique human-being, you are here on purpose and with a purpose. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend: with love, compassion and kindness.
*My transformational coaching program “The Inner Happy Place Roadmap” is heavily dedicated to learning strategies to become your own best friend, releasing limiting beliefs about yourself and to eliminate negative patterns and habits. Failing to truly love and accept ourselves its the greatest epidemic of our time and must be tackled. You can book your free first session here.
iii. SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS (because you deserve the best!)
Once you figured out what’s good for you and what’s not, what you’re really after in life and what is distracting you from getting there…. create a surrounding in which you can truly thrive: choose activities and people that make you feel GOOD! People who take a real interest in you, value you for who you are & inspire you to be better! Learn how to create boundaries and say “thanks, but no thanks” to the ones that bring you down. Choose your daily activities wisely so that they may help you achieve your true goals in life and not distract you from going after them.
8. Be open to reinventing yourself
Over the years you’ve probably created a very strong sense of identity: certain personality traits, your profession, style, the places you go to and people you hang out with….
When you’re taken out of that context and find yourself in a completely new environment, this identity might start to crack or crumble: maybe you worked as a lawyer back home but are unable to practice law in the new country you’re in. Maybe you were the funny one in your group of friends – but without that close-knit group you feel shy and insecure at social gatherings. Maybe you were the articulate, opinionated leader in discussions and now, due to the language barrier, find yourself reasoning in the simplest terms.
Identity is a very fluid concept and in our essence, we are so much more than just an image portrayed to and perceived by the outside. I believe that we get to define and to re-define our identity if we choose to along our journey – without ever having to sacrifice our authentic inner selves!
I hope these tips will help you too to flourish abroad!
Do you have any more tips for expats trying to make the best of their life abroad? We’d love for you to share them in the comments below!
Words are powerful – and the mind is listening (Marisa Peer)
There is a saying in Spanish that goes: “las palabras se las lleva el viento” (words are carried away by the wind). But the truth is that the words we choose have an immense power over our mind, our body and our emotions. In this blog post I’ll explain how what we are saying and thinking to ourselves can have a hypnotic effect on our subconscious and shape our inner and outer perception.
But don’t be alarmed – with the 3 power tools I’m sharing below you’ll be able to get control over your thoughts and emotions and even change your (previously labled: hopeless) circumstances!
“Words are thoughts. Without them we can’t think” (Dangerous Minds movie)
Words are indeed thoughts, as in: words we say to ourselves quietly. If you’ve had any experience with meditation and mindfulness practices, you’ll know that our mind is constantly thinking (talking) about any- and everything. It’s like a record played nonstop and over and over again to which we listen, oftentimes without even noticing it… hey, does that remind you of anything? It does, doesn’t it, of nothing less but hypnosis!
Hypnotherapist are known to give their patients tapes to listen to over and over again, with words that are supposed to infiltrate into their subconsciousness and help them overcome an addiction, achieve weight loss, free them of fears and phobias… you name it!
Words repeated to yourself often will indeed cling to your subconscious mind and continue to act below the surface. That’s why it’s incredibly important to analyze what stories we continuously feed ourselves and whether it’s doing us harm or empowering us!
Thoughts become things
So what kind of things you saying to yourself?
Every word you choose has a meaning attached to it that may be rooted in cultural or societal beliefs, or in your own experiences and history.
The meanings you attach to words lead to your EMOTIONS. We often think that we “can’t help the way we feel”, but in fact, emotions are always reactions (that occur within a millisecond) to something we say to ourselves, as neuro-scientific studies prove.
Furthermore, words can induce a biochemical reaction in our bodies. When you say things like “I’m so sad” or “This makes me feel depressed”, your shoulders are likely to slug, your breath becomes shallow, you might lose your appetite… Saying that you’re disappointed (and consequently feeling that way) might result in a pain in the stomach, a lump in your throat and so forth.
Whatever physical manifestations you experience, make no mistake, it was a word or story that set this reaction into motion!
Change your thoughts, change your life (Tony Robbins)
So if repeated words are the root cause of our emotions and can work like a hypnosis tape on our subconsciousness… we absolutely cannot afford to speak them carelessly! I encourage you to become aware of them and write down the most common thoughts and stories you tell yourself. Awareness is the first step to change and the more conscious your grow, the more carefully you will choose the words you speak.
With the help of the 3 Power Tools below, you will be able to make profound and lasting changes in your life:
POWER TOOL 1: Pimp your vocabulary!
It’s estimated that we use only a fraction of the vocabulary available to us in any language. Studies show that people tend to experience up to a dozen emotions on a regular basis. When contrasted with the broad array of emotions there are, you’ll come to find that what you’re feeling is most probably a simplification: let’s say for instance that you find yourself feeling “angry” on a regular basis. Is it possible that half of the time you’re feeling something else instead, for instance annoyed? Bewildered? Embarrassed? Misunderstood? Overloaded? Peeved? Uneasy? Vulnerable?
To get your juices flowing I’d like to share a few links with you with extensive lists of emotions (in English, auf Deutsch y en español) for you to go through.
If you can become more assertive in your choice of words, you’ll find that you’ll be feeling different emotions and in different intensities; your body will modify its biochemical reactions accordingly, too.
POWER TOOL 2: Word-Upgrade Challenge
For one week, I’d like to encourage you to purposely exchange some of the negative words (and emotions) you’re saying (feeling) to less intensive ones. At the same time, upgrade your positive words and emotions!
Instead of saying things like “this is a catastrophe” or “this sucks” you might say “This is quite a challenge” or “this is annoying”. Or instead of saying “I’m fine” or “the movie was good”, why not dare to say “I’m feeling fantastic” or “the movie was breathtaking!”
Note how, thanks to this little vocabulary hack, your emotions and physical reactions that follow are completely different in the before and after?
As always, my advice is to:
start this challenge with minor things like in the examples above (you’re not gonna be laid off your work and tell yourself how it’s “a little annoying”! This exercise is not meant to make you stupid, but to make you more assertive and resourceful by correcting the simplifications and ambiguity we all experience when expressing ourselves).
You don’t have to force yourself to believe it just yet. No need to start arguing with yourself (à la: “This is a bit of a challenge… No, this is a freaking mess!!! … I mean, it’s an annoying situation…. Although it really, truly sucks!!” ) Just keep an open mind and substitute new (better) thoughts for the old ones, without questioning it. After some time you will start doing this automatically and grow incredibly more resourceful, resilient and in control of yourself. If you want to better understand why this works and how, check out my blog post about Neuroplasticity.
POWER TOOL 3: Change your negative commands to positive ones
Have you ever noticed how our brain cannot process negative commands? For instance, if you tell yourself “Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look”….. what will you most probably do? Look! Whenever we make a negative command to ourselves, we are actually intensifying and attracting that very thing we do NOT want. I’m sure you’ve experienced such monologues many times before: “I can’t eat another piece of cake, I cannot! It’s just so delicious, maybe if I have a teeny tiny one…” or “Don’t cry now… don’t cry… don’t you (sob, sob, sob…)”
By making positive statements, you’ll be able to take control over your mind. Instead of “Don’t look” you might say, “I want to see something pleasant” (and your brain will go look for more pleasant things to see). Instead of saying “I can’t have that cake” say “I really want to feel healthy and good in my body.” And your brain’s solution might be to have a large glass of water and if you’re still hungry, to eat an apple.
Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world (T. Harv Eker)
By applying these three power tools to your life, you will notice how through changing your personal narrative and thus provoking different emotions, your perception and therefore your circumstances will change.
You’ll strongly benefit from increased assertiveness in your choice of words: a catastrophe really isn’t the same as a challenge, an obstacle or an unpleasant incident! And there is no need to put your mind and body, which are connected, through the incredible stress of “facing a catastrophe” – which our brain equals to an attack of a sabre-toothed tiger (as in, the kinda “catastrophes” our ancestors faced…)
The new year is a great time to implement positive changes into your life, and if you give these hacks an honest shot you will reap the rewards!
As always, drop me a comment to let me know how this is working out for you!
@ Copyright Camilla Quintana – The Empowered Expat Woman 2024. All rights reserved.
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